1 00:00:09,099 --> 00:00:11,900 Hello and welcome to the sweat box... 2 00:00:11,939 --> 00:00:13,939 that is Cambodia. 3 00:00:44,457 --> 00:00:47,777 Now, there are many ways we could get across this fascinating country. 4 00:00:47,817 --> 00:00:50,817 We could use horses or tuk-tuks or tractors. 5 00:00:50,857 --> 00:00:54,978 But Mr Wilman decided we should meet at this very spot 6 00:00:55,018 --> 00:00:56,817 with three boats. 7 00:00:56,857 --> 00:01:00,537 And that hasn't gone down very well with my colleagues. 8 00:01:00,578 --> 00:01:02,176 - No. - There we go. 9 00:01:02,216 --> 00:01:04,856 Because I hate... I'm from Birmingham, I've explained. 10 00:01:04,897 --> 00:01:07,697 Which is as far as you can get from the sea in the UK... 11 00:01:07,777 --> 00:01:09,055 - Full of canals! - We don't do boats. 12 00:01:09,057 --> 00:01:11,057 People from Birmingham are always saying, 13 00:01:11,137 --> 00:01:12,897 "It's the Venice of the North," 14 00:01:12,936 --> 00:01:15,593 like Venetians always say, "We live in the Birmingham of the South." 15 00:01:15,617 --> 00:01:17,415 Canals are just for moving coal around. 16 00:01:17,417 --> 00:01:19,016 I don't want to do that either. 17 00:01:19,057 --> 00:01:22,296 I'm from Birmingham, I don't ski and I don't do boats. End of. 18 00:01:22,337 --> 00:01:24,015 - I signed up for a car show. - Yes. 19 00:01:24,055 --> 00:01:27,495 Not cookery, not restoring frescoes and not boats. 20 00:01:27,536 --> 00:01:30,656 - I don't like boats. You can't trust a boat. -That's exactly the right word. 21 00:01:30,695 --> 00:01:34,111 You can't trust any vehicle that isn't necessarily where it was when you last parked it. 22 00:01:34,135 --> 00:01:36,575 Problem No.1. They can sink. Cars can't do that. 23 00:01:36,615 --> 00:01:38,376 - What are the viewers gonna think? - What? 24 00:01:38,415 --> 00:01:40,376 What if you turned on Jamie Oliver, 25 00:01:40,415 --> 00:01:41,712 you thought, "I love that cooking show... 26 00:01:41,735 --> 00:01:44,096 Oh, he's doing some watercolor painting." 27 00:01:44,135 --> 00:01:47,254 - We did it in lorries... -Lorries are vehicles. They go on the road. 28 00:01:47,295 --> 00:01:50,174 - We've been on horses. - Oh, that went well! 29 00:01:50,215 --> 00:01:54,094 Anyway, listen, let's not get bogged down with your prejudices. 30 00:01:54,134 --> 00:01:58,055 Because the challenge is actually quite simple. 31 00:01:58,094 --> 00:02:01,575 We are here, yes, near Siem Reap in the north of Cambodia. 32 00:02:01,614 --> 00:02:04,894 And we've got to use all these waterways, well, not all of them... 33 00:02:04,935 --> 00:02:06,933 we've got to find a path through them, 34 00:02:06,974 --> 00:02:10,533 to Vung Tau, which is at the bottom of the Mekong Delta, 35 00:02:10,574 --> 00:02:12,574 in Vietnam. 36 00:02:12,614 --> 00:02:16,213 There is, however, one small problem. 37 00:02:22,653 --> 00:02:25,294 As I've said, I'm no expert on boats and boating. 38 00:02:25,334 --> 00:02:28,893 - But... there's no water. - No, there isn't. 39 00:02:28,932 --> 00:02:32,052 Is that pontoon thing there, is that where Mr Wilman thought we should meet? 40 00:02:32,093 --> 00:02:34,733 Yes, in a field. -JAMES: He's a half-wit, isn't he? 41 00:02:34,772 --> 00:02:36,733 Anyway, the problem is... 42 00:02:36,772 --> 00:02:39,372 there isn't enough water in there to drown a witch. 43 00:02:39,372 --> 00:02:40,652 No. 44 00:02:40,733 --> 00:02:42,293 So, why don't we get some wheels 45 00:02:42,332 --> 00:02:43,651 and go and find some water 46 00:02:43,652 --> 00:02:44,829 and then we'll launch our boats there? 47 00:02:44,853 --> 00:02:46,133 Right. 48 00:02:47,413 --> 00:02:48,771 Having found some wheels, 49 00:02:48,812 --> 00:02:50,372 we began our search. 50 00:02:55,812 --> 00:02:57,812 Oh, how the mighty are fallen. 51 00:02:59,372 --> 00:03:01,372 We are in tune with the times, though. 52 00:03:01,412 --> 00:03:03,412 Exactly right. Exactly right. 53 00:03:03,451 --> 00:03:05,931 There is global warming, there is climate change. 54 00:03:05,972 --> 00:03:08,252 And if you hosted a car show now, 55 00:03:08,292 --> 00:03:10,411 I think you'd feel foolish. 56 00:03:10,450 --> 00:03:12,450 Bloody car, you maniac! 57 00:03:12,490 --> 00:03:14,490 What's up with you, you lunatic? 58 00:03:14,531 --> 00:03:16,971 - You selfish maniac! - Hit him! Hit the car! 59 00:03:17,010 --> 00:03:18,450 Mad man! 60 00:03:19,931 --> 00:03:21,931 Several exhausting miles later, 61 00:03:21,971 --> 00:03:25,211 the river was still depressingly empty. 62 00:03:26,651 --> 00:03:28,651 The problem we've got is it's June 63 00:03:28,691 --> 00:03:31,930 and it's supposed to be raining here, really raining, 64 00:03:31,969 --> 00:03:35,250 pouring down constantly. 65 00:03:35,289 --> 00:03:37,289 And it isn't. And it hasn't for months. 66 00:03:39,170 --> 00:03:41,170 And when we reached a fishing village, 67 00:03:41,210 --> 00:03:44,770 the scale of the issue became clear. 68 00:03:44,810 --> 00:03:47,889 These houses, as you can see, are on stilts 69 00:03:47,930 --> 00:03:50,289 because that's where the river should be. 70 00:03:51,569 --> 00:03:53,168 Just stop here. Look. 71 00:03:54,929 --> 00:03:56,929 That's where the water level is. 72 00:03:56,968 --> 00:03:58,968 That's incredibly gone, isn't it? 73 00:04:01,329 --> 00:04:03,729 And it's not just climate change that's to blame, 74 00:04:03,769 --> 00:04:06,009 because there's another problem. 75 00:04:06,049 --> 00:04:09,889 China. They've dammed the river 76 00:04:09,929 --> 00:04:11,384 that feeds all the water systems round here. 77 00:04:11,408 --> 00:04:13,407 How much sense does that make, sitting here, 78 00:04:13,448 --> 00:04:15,967 in your house on stilts with no water around it, 79 00:04:16,007 --> 00:04:18,207 to learn that the Chinese have nicked all your water? 80 00:04:18,247 --> 00:04:20,247 A funny world, isn't it? 81 00:04:20,288 --> 00:04:22,286 The really funny thing is, 82 00:04:22,288 --> 00:04:24,983 China builds a coal-fired power station every 20 minutes or something 83 00:04:25,007 --> 00:04:26,648 and everyone shouts at them, saying, 84 00:04:26,687 --> 00:04:28,408 "Oh, you're killing the planet." 85 00:04:28,487 --> 00:04:30,726 When they build a clean, green, hydro-electric dam, 86 00:04:30,728 --> 00:04:33,183 everyone shouts at them, saying, "Now, look, you're killing the planet!" 87 00:04:33,207 --> 00:04:36,247 Well, it'd be nice if they could do it without nicking somebody else's water. 88 00:04:37,726 --> 00:04:39,846 Eventually, though, we found a lake. 89 00:04:39,927 --> 00:04:41,846 - Oh, look at that! - Hello. 90 00:04:45,007 --> 00:04:48,687 But as we launched our boats and headed for a nearby pontoon... 91 00:04:50,086 --> 00:04:52,206 the rainy season arrived... 92 00:04:52,247 --> 00:04:54,086 with a vengeance. 93 00:05:01,646 --> 00:05:03,206 God above! 94 00:05:07,406 --> 00:05:09,406 Erm... I don't know how to park a boat. 95 00:05:09,485 --> 00:05:11,045 I'm not gonna lie. 96 00:05:11,086 --> 00:05:13,086 Trying to park. 97 00:05:14,565 --> 00:05:17,204 Ooh! How do I stop it? 98 00:05:17,245 --> 00:05:19,723 Having another attempt. 99 00:05:19,725 --> 00:05:21,685 Wait a minute, my engines are... 100 00:05:21,725 --> 00:05:23,125 Oh, no, that one. 101 00:05:23,165 --> 00:05:25,403 Yeah. 102 00:05:25,404 --> 00:05:27,084 I think that went well. 103 00:05:27,125 --> 00:05:28,644 Right. 104 00:05:28,685 --> 00:05:30,685 Stop moving around! 105 00:05:30,725 --> 00:05:32,564 I've parked you! 106 00:05:34,004 --> 00:05:36,725 Well, I was gonna leap from my boat and say, 107 00:05:36,764 --> 00:05:39,283 "And fresh from Miami Vice... 108 00:05:40,324 --> 00:05:42,124 a boat." 109 00:05:42,163 --> 00:05:44,324 It's pointy, which means it's a fast boat. 110 00:05:44,363 --> 00:05:46,124 Oh, I've got my leg caught. 111 00:05:47,603 --> 00:05:50,163 At this point, Jeremy emerged from the gloom. 112 00:05:50,204 --> 00:05:53,524 And as he's the only qualified boat driver on the team, 113 00:05:53,564 --> 00:05:56,244 I was expecting a smoother arrival. 114 00:05:56,283 --> 00:05:57,963 Here we go. 115 00:05:58,004 --> 00:05:59,523 Parking a PBR. 116 00:06:05,242 --> 00:06:07,242 - Argh! - No, no, no! 117 00:06:07,283 --> 00:06:09,442 Oh, brilliant! 118 00:06:09,483 --> 00:06:12,002 It's really windy! I'm backing in. 119 00:06:13,643 --> 00:06:15,442 Oh, no, that's... 120 00:06:15,483 --> 00:06:17,483 Totally uncontrollable. 121 00:06:18,523 --> 00:06:19,843 This is better, this angle. 122 00:06:23,002 --> 00:06:24,682 Argh! 123 00:06:24,721 --> 00:06:27,481 - OK. -Could you help and get that rope? 124 00:06:28,882 --> 00:06:30,882 Can you pull me along? 125 00:06:30,922 --> 00:06:32,922 Please pull me along! 126 00:06:34,442 --> 00:06:37,161 This is no time for cocking about! 127 00:06:37,201 --> 00:06:39,201 This is dangerous work we're doing! 128 00:06:40,961 --> 00:06:44,040 I'm glad you got here cos I think it looks like rain. 129 00:06:46,961 --> 00:06:48,600 Me! 130 00:06:49,600 --> 00:06:50,961 - Erm... - What? 131 00:06:51,000 --> 00:06:53,161 Isn't that like the boat out of Apocalypse Now? 132 00:06:53,201 --> 00:06:55,880 Exactly what it is, PBR - Patrol Boat, River. 133 00:06:55,920 --> 00:06:57,641 - Mark II. - Yeah. 134 00:06:57,680 --> 00:07:00,521 Is that entirely tactful? We're going to Vietnam. 135 00:07:00,560 --> 00:07:03,839 - You can't drive that around! - You can! Because... 136 00:07:03,879 --> 00:07:07,120 You probably don't know this, but... Vietnam won. 137 00:07:08,199 --> 00:07:10,879 So driving that through Vietnam 138 00:07:10,920 --> 00:07:13,815 is like walking through Old Trafford, which is where Manchester United play, 139 00:07:13,839 --> 00:07:15,639 in a Charlton Athletic shirt. 140 00:07:15,680 --> 00:07:17,680 It doesn't matter, cos you're a loser. 141 00:07:17,720 --> 00:07:19,040 They don't mind. 142 00:07:19,079 --> 00:07:20,879 You believe that? 143 00:07:20,920 --> 00:07:22,560 Is that... Is that a Scarab? 144 00:07:22,600 --> 00:07:24,119 Yeah. 145 00:07:24,158 --> 00:07:25,959 Hammond, you have accidentally chosen 146 00:07:25,999 --> 00:07:27,759 - quite a good boat... - Have I? 147 00:07:27,798 --> 00:07:30,918 If you were on the inter-coastal waterway in Miami. 148 00:07:30,959 --> 00:07:32,358 You see, that's cool. 149 00:07:32,399 --> 00:07:34,399 I've got two V8s in that. 150 00:07:34,439 --> 00:07:37,879 - I've got two V8s in there. - How many horsepower? 151 00:07:37,918 --> 00:07:42,558 850 in total, 425 per engine. 152 00:07:42,598 --> 00:07:44,598 - It's too much. - What have you got? 153 00:07:44,639 --> 00:07:47,478 350 a side. I've got 700 in total. 154 00:07:47,518 --> 00:07:49,957 - 850. - Yeah, but that's better. 155 00:07:49,997 --> 00:07:51,358 It's not. 156 00:07:51,398 --> 00:07:52,877 What do you think May will have? 157 00:07:52,918 --> 00:07:55,117 - Some. -Probably, with a bit of luck. 158 00:07:55,158 --> 00:07:58,718 Soon, his late arrival was explained. 159 00:07:58,757 --> 00:08:01,358 He'd come from the 18th century. 160 00:08:04,997 --> 00:08:06,997 Look at that! 161 00:08:07,036 --> 00:08:08,836 That's the world's least appropriate thing! 162 00:08:08,877 --> 00:08:10,877 What was he thinking of? 163 00:08:10,916 --> 00:08:12,716 How old is that thing? 164 00:08:12,757 --> 00:08:14,557 James? About 60. 165 00:08:15,557 --> 00:08:16,757 You ready with this rope? 166 00:08:16,797 --> 00:08:19,317 Hang on, it's going backwards. 167 00:08:19,356 --> 00:08:21,356 Why's it doing that? 168 00:08:21,396 --> 00:08:24,437 He is absolutely hopeless. 169 00:08:25,836 --> 00:08:28,435 He's got one knob and one wheel. 170 00:08:30,396 --> 00:08:32,395 Oh, here he comes. 171 00:08:32,436 --> 00:08:34,436 He's trying a new technique here. 172 00:08:34,475 --> 00:08:36,355 He's broken his flagpole. 173 00:08:37,716 --> 00:08:39,196 - James? - Yes? 174 00:08:39,235 --> 00:08:42,956 That's the most inappropriate thing I've ever seen. 175 00:08:42,995 --> 00:08:44,355 What do you mean? 176 00:08:44,436 --> 00:08:47,836 Well, it's entirely not designed for where we are. 177 00:08:47,875 --> 00:08:49,315 It's a river boat. 178 00:08:49,355 --> 00:08:51,115 - We're on a lake. - It's a pleasure craft. 179 00:08:51,195 --> 00:08:52,674 But we're gonna be on rivers. 180 00:08:52,715 --> 00:08:55,234 And it's only a gentle lake. It's not stormy or anything. 181 00:08:55,235 --> 00:08:56,634 Really? 182 00:08:56,674 --> 00:08:59,075 - Have you got a big V8? - No, of course I haven't. 183 00:08:59,115 --> 00:09:01,355 - What is it? - It's a four-cylinder diesel. 184 00:09:01,434 --> 00:09:03,434 - Power? - Yes? 185 00:09:06,794 --> 00:09:08,595 99 horsepower. 186 00:09:08,634 --> 00:09:11,594 - When was your boat built? - 1939. 187 00:09:11,634 --> 00:09:14,474 - Sorry... it's 80 years old? - Yes. 188 00:09:14,514 --> 00:09:16,754 - It's 80? -It's older than the Battle of Britain. 189 00:09:16,793 --> 00:09:18,234 So it's an antique. 190 00:09:18,313 --> 00:09:19,754 It is an antique, yes. 191 00:09:19,793 --> 00:09:21,953 - You're sailing in a sideboard. - Pretty much. 192 00:09:21,994 --> 00:09:24,354 - How much was it? - £16,000, inc... 193 00:09:24,433 --> 00:09:26,474 What? You paid 16 for that? 194 00:09:26,514 --> 00:09:30,073 That's chea... That's a Ford Focus. And it's got a new engine in it. 195 00:09:30,114 --> 00:09:33,832 Is that vulgar-looking thing that I don't even want to look at yours? 196 00:09:33,873 --> 00:09:35,352 - Yeah. - How much was that? 197 00:09:35,432 --> 00:09:37,231 Er, 23. 198 00:09:37,232 --> 00:09:38,673 - Really? - That's reasonable. 199 00:09:38,712 --> 00:09:40,312 That's how much boats cost. 200 00:09:40,352 --> 00:09:42,232 - £23,000? - Yes. 201 00:09:42,312 --> 00:09:44,312 - How much was that? - What, the PBR? 202 00:09:44,352 --> 00:09:46,232 Mine, how much was it? 203 00:09:46,312 --> 00:09:48,312 - It's, er... - What? 204 00:09:48,352 --> 00:09:49,993 How much? 205 00:09:50,072 --> 00:09:52,751 100,000. 206 00:09:52,792 --> 00:09:54,111 - $100,000? - 100,000 what? 207 00:09:54,192 --> 00:09:56,192 - No, pounds. - £100,000? 208 00:09:56,231 --> 00:09:59,312 - Yes, it was. - You spent 100 grand on that? 209 00:09:59,351 --> 00:10:00,751 Mm-hm. 210 00:10:00,792 --> 00:10:02,351 But it's... 211 00:10:02,432 --> 00:10:04,110 Is that because of its provenance? 212 00:10:04,111 --> 00:10:05,672 No, I had to build it. 213 00:10:05,711 --> 00:10:07,230 - What, it's not real? - No. 214 00:10:07,231 --> 00:10:09,192 Hold on, hold on. 215 00:10:09,231 --> 00:10:10,751 It's incredibly complicated. 216 00:10:10,792 --> 00:10:13,431 They had to find the original designs of the original hull, 217 00:10:13,471 --> 00:10:16,510 work out where the engines went, why it's mid-engined... 218 00:10:16,551 --> 00:10:19,791 It was an immensely complicated thing to do and I've done it. 219 00:10:19,831 --> 00:10:22,951 And I bought a little bit of history, at great expense, 220 00:10:22,990 --> 00:10:24,591 back to Southeast Asia. 221 00:10:24,630 --> 00:10:26,990 It's a fake, though. That's essentially a kit car. 222 00:10:27,071 --> 00:10:29,990 Is it based on the chassis of a Beetle or a Triumph Herald? 223 00:10:29,990 --> 00:10:32,447 - It's a purpose-made chassis. -A two-litre Pinto engine. -Yes, exactly. 224 00:10:32,471 --> 00:10:34,470 It's a purpose-made chassis. 225 00:10:34,509 --> 00:10:36,070 And a brand-new engine. 226 00:10:36,110 --> 00:10:37,990 100 grand on a... 227 00:10:38,070 --> 00:10:40,470 What we've got here... Can we do some car stuff? 228 00:10:40,509 --> 00:10:42,309 What we've got is a Corvette, definitely. 229 00:10:42,350 --> 00:10:44,070 That is a Corvette. Nothing wrong with them. 230 00:10:44,110 --> 00:10:45,429 Big engine, inexpensive. 231 00:10:45,470 --> 00:10:46,909 Yes, plastic and inexpensive. 232 00:10:46,950 --> 00:10:50,629 A Mercedes G Wagon, which it is... and a Rover 90. 233 00:10:50,669 --> 00:10:52,830 Yeah, I'll actually go with that. 234 00:10:52,870 --> 00:10:54,989 I've just thought of something. 235 00:10:54,990 --> 00:10:56,749 I haven't christened my boat. 236 00:10:58,028 --> 00:11:01,828 So I quickly organised an official ceremony. 237 00:11:01,869 --> 00:11:05,269 May God bless this ship and all who sail in her. 238 00:11:09,749 --> 00:11:11,749 That's what it's like when the Queen does it. 239 00:11:13,028 --> 00:11:15,389 I've now got a bottle of wine on my boat, 240 00:11:15,428 --> 00:11:16,947 which is called Du Ma, by the way. 241 00:11:16,988 --> 00:11:19,107 - Is it? - Yeah, means "boat machine". 242 00:11:22,827 --> 00:11:24,467 With the christening ceremony complete 243 00:11:24,508 --> 00:11:26,388 and the rainy season over, 244 00:11:26,427 --> 00:11:31,028 it was time to begin our epic 500-mile voyage. 245 00:11:32,187 --> 00:11:33,587 - Thank you. - Oh, sorry. 246 00:11:33,628 --> 00:11:35,508 We are underway. 247 00:11:35,548 --> 00:11:38,547 The Du Ma is mobile. 248 00:11:38,586 --> 00:11:41,586 I've just noticed Hammond's boat's called Razzle Dazzle. 249 00:11:42,746 --> 00:11:44,866 That's sophisticated, isn't it? 250 00:11:46,947 --> 00:11:49,106 The first leg of our aquatic road trip 251 00:11:49,147 --> 00:11:52,226 involved a sprint across the Tonlé Sap Lake. 252 00:11:52,267 --> 00:11:57,147 And I'd been looking forward to unleashing some speed and power. 253 00:11:57,187 --> 00:12:00,306 Sadly, though, that wasn't possible. 254 00:12:00,346 --> 00:12:02,745 OK, the problem is - and it is a big one - 255 00:12:02,785 --> 00:12:04,785 despite that massive rainstorm, 256 00:12:04,826 --> 00:12:07,706 this lake is 80 miles across. 257 00:12:07,745 --> 00:12:11,625 And at this time of year, it should be five times more than that. 258 00:12:11,666 --> 00:12:14,162 This is not the best camerawork you've ever seen and I apologise. 259 00:12:14,186 --> 00:12:16,186 But I think it makes the point. 260 00:12:16,225 --> 00:12:17,586 This road here, 261 00:12:17,625 --> 00:12:20,304 this is the road that goes round the lake. 262 00:12:20,345 --> 00:12:23,465 But the lake at the moment is only that big. 263 00:12:23,504 --> 00:12:25,504 It just isn't big enough. 264 00:12:25,544 --> 00:12:27,345 Which means it isn't deep enough. 265 00:12:28,985 --> 00:12:32,105 And don't worry, the irony is not lost on me. 266 00:12:32,144 --> 00:12:35,304 The man who hosted a car programme for 30 years, 267 00:12:35,345 --> 00:12:38,345 limited to seven miles an hour by global warming. 268 00:12:41,624 --> 00:12:43,624 Is your boat... How can I put this? 269 00:12:43,663 --> 00:12:45,663 Having a dump? 270 00:12:45,703 --> 00:12:47,703 Is that mud? 271 00:12:47,744 --> 00:12:50,063 Yes, that's mud. You're grounding out. 272 00:12:51,423 --> 00:12:53,303 I'm basically using a boat in a field. 273 00:12:55,783 --> 00:12:58,344 This did not happen in Miami Vice. 274 00:13:00,423 --> 00:13:03,143 Shallowness wasn't the only problem. 275 00:13:03,182 --> 00:13:07,582 We also had to deal with an underwater labyrinth of hidden fishing nets. 276 00:13:13,582 --> 00:13:15,143 It doesn't feel good. 277 00:13:17,222 --> 00:13:19,102 Doesn't sound good. 278 00:13:19,143 --> 00:13:21,663 Turning round. 279 00:13:21,702 --> 00:13:23,783 Oh, he's done... What's he done, 100 yards? 280 00:13:26,182 --> 00:13:29,062 - What the hell have you done? - I don't know. 281 00:13:29,101 --> 00:13:30,621 Oh, you just... 282 00:13:30,662 --> 00:13:32,142 Hammond? 283 00:13:32,182 --> 00:13:34,542 What? Everybody stop crashing into me! 284 00:13:34,581 --> 00:13:35,942 Are you stuck? 285 00:13:35,981 --> 00:13:38,022 No, I just thought I'd stop here! 286 00:13:38,062 --> 00:13:39,662 I've caught a net. 287 00:13:39,701 --> 00:13:41,662 Why don't you just go and cut it off? 288 00:13:41,701 --> 00:13:43,461 Why isn't this happening to you? 289 00:13:43,501 --> 00:13:45,900 What? -Why aren't you catching your props in nets? 290 00:13:45,941 --> 00:13:48,140 I haven't got any props. It's a PBR! 291 00:13:48,181 --> 00:13:50,181 It's a jet boat. I've got two jets. 292 00:13:50,221 --> 00:13:51,821 Really? 293 00:13:51,860 --> 00:13:53,380 Right. 294 00:13:55,581 --> 00:13:57,581 Leaving Hammond to clear his props... 295 00:14:00,701 --> 00:14:03,221 There! That is the problem. 296 00:14:05,380 --> 00:14:08,139 I sailed onwards with Rear Admiral Slow. 297 00:14:10,299 --> 00:14:12,700 James May's boat is the sort of thing 298 00:14:12,740 --> 00:14:15,860 I can imagine they gave to Prince Charles when he was a boy 299 00:14:15,899 --> 00:14:17,899 to play with in the bath. 300 00:14:19,700 --> 00:14:23,740 My boat, on the other hand, was designed for fighting. 301 00:14:23,779 --> 00:14:27,179 See, when the American military realised in the mid-'60s 302 00:14:27,220 --> 00:14:29,338 that they needed some kind of fast patrol boat 303 00:14:29,379 --> 00:14:31,658 for the shallow rivers of Southeast Asia, 304 00:14:31,698 --> 00:14:33,499 they went to Hatteras, 305 00:14:33,538 --> 00:14:36,698 which was a very respectable boat builder in America and said, 306 00:14:36,739 --> 00:14:38,739 "You know that pleasure craft you make, 307 00:14:38,778 --> 00:14:41,938 the 31-footer, plastic hull, Mum and Dad boat? 308 00:14:46,459 --> 00:14:49,298 Could you convert that, move the engines further forward, 309 00:14:49,337 --> 00:14:51,337 fit it with jets instead of propellers, 310 00:14:51,378 --> 00:14:55,778 give it a range of 250 miles and a cruising speed of 25 knots?" 311 00:14:55,817 --> 00:14:57,817 Massive job, really massive. 312 00:14:59,378 --> 00:15:02,577 And Hatteras had it ready in six days! 313 00:15:02,618 --> 00:15:04,618 Six days! 314 00:15:06,258 --> 00:15:08,258 What they created was epic. 315 00:15:08,298 --> 00:15:11,736 But even so, I had to have this made because today, 316 00:15:11,777 --> 00:15:15,777 there are no working PBRs left. 317 00:15:15,817 --> 00:15:17,297 And I find that extraordinary. 318 00:15:17,336 --> 00:15:19,753 They've saved all the other memorabilia from the Vietnam War - 319 00:15:19,777 --> 00:15:23,496 Hueys and guns and fighter planes and so on, 320 00:15:23,537 --> 00:15:26,336 but nobody thought to say, "Let's save a PBR." 321 00:15:29,136 --> 00:15:32,336 It's a brilliant bit of design, it really genuinely is. 322 00:15:33,975 --> 00:15:37,975 Original PBRs had two Detroit diesel engines, 323 00:15:38,015 --> 00:15:40,015 no electrics, better with water. 324 00:15:40,056 --> 00:15:42,536 And jets made by... 325 00:15:42,576 --> 00:15:44,176 Jacuzzi. 326 00:15:45,176 --> 00:15:47,775 I kid you not, they were Jacuzzi jets. 327 00:15:50,135 --> 00:15:54,174 Yes, the jets make it very difficult to steer at slow speed. 328 00:15:54,215 --> 00:15:59,014 But apart from that, I was able to cross Cambodia's giant paddling pool 329 00:15:59,054 --> 00:16:01,054 without any issues. 330 00:16:03,054 --> 00:16:05,054 Oh, that's not good. 331 00:16:05,095 --> 00:16:08,095 Things, however, were rather different for my colleagues. 332 00:16:09,375 --> 00:16:11,735 James had snagged a net too. 333 00:16:11,774 --> 00:16:13,734 Yeah! 334 00:16:13,774 --> 00:16:15,774 Take that, you bastard. 335 00:16:19,894 --> 00:16:22,974 And as Aquaman struggled to get back on board... 336 00:16:24,213 --> 00:16:26,293 Bollocks! 337 00:16:26,333 --> 00:16:30,134 The cooling system on Hammond's pointy Scarab filled with mud. 338 00:16:31,854 --> 00:16:33,854 This is a lot worse than... 339 00:16:33,894 --> 00:16:35,893 nets round the props. 340 00:16:38,013 --> 00:16:40,332 And just after James had dried off... 341 00:16:42,812 --> 00:16:44,812 he was back under his boat again, 342 00:16:44,852 --> 00:16:47,932 because his intakes had also filled up with sludge. 343 00:16:50,972 --> 00:16:54,253 This meant I had to go back and become a tow truck. 344 00:16:56,491 --> 00:16:58,491 Ready for the dead stop? You'll like this. 345 00:16:58,532 --> 00:17:00,731 Shit. 346 00:17:00,772 --> 00:17:02,251 Sorry. 347 00:17:02,292 --> 00:17:03,611 Clarkson! 348 00:17:03,652 --> 00:17:05,531 Right, I've got you. 349 00:17:05,612 --> 00:17:09,092 James insisted on taking charge of tying the boats together. 350 00:17:09,132 --> 00:17:12,451 Which meant I was free to film some scenery. 351 00:17:20,010 --> 00:17:22,009 But eventually we were tethered, 352 00:17:22,010 --> 00:17:24,010 and set off in search of Hammond. 353 00:17:25,090 --> 00:17:26,530 - There he is! - Yep. 354 00:17:26,611 --> 00:17:28,611 Hammond ahoy! 355 00:17:28,651 --> 00:17:32,090 I hate boats! 356 00:17:32,131 --> 00:17:35,371 Turning on the horn. 357 00:17:35,411 --> 00:17:38,450 International Crap Rescue is coming. 358 00:17:38,490 --> 00:17:42,690 I wonder how many low-grade pornographical movies 359 00:17:42,730 --> 00:17:45,849 have been made on Hammond's boat. 360 00:17:45,890 --> 00:17:47,730 Hey, you wanna come out rootin' and tootin'? 361 00:17:47,769 --> 00:17:52,329 Hammond, how much semen have you found on that boat? 362 00:17:52,369 --> 00:17:56,650 Please, I've tried to block the thought from my mind. Every... 363 00:17:56,690 --> 00:17:59,769 Honestly, going below is like climbing into a teenager's sock. 364 00:18:03,009 --> 00:18:07,249 With both broken boats hitched up to Thunderbird 2, 365 00:18:07,328 --> 00:18:12,209 we trundled on, until eventually we were swamped by the night. 366 00:18:16,249 --> 00:18:19,368 Have you got, like, a military searchlight on your boat? 367 00:18:19,409 --> 00:18:21,407 Yes, I have. 368 00:18:21,448 --> 00:18:23,488 Oh-hoo-hoo! 369 00:18:23,528 --> 00:18:24,928 Hello! 370 00:18:28,968 --> 00:18:32,127 Many hours later, having covered only ten miles, 371 00:18:32,167 --> 00:18:34,167 we were feeling a bit unhappy. 372 00:18:35,167 --> 00:18:36,847 But then... 373 00:18:36,887 --> 00:18:39,167 James, are they lights? 374 00:18:40,407 --> 00:18:41,647 Oh, yeah. 375 00:18:41,688 --> 00:18:44,967 I think that is the town of Pursat. 376 00:18:45,007 --> 00:18:47,406 It's not completely the bottom of the lake, 377 00:18:47,447 --> 00:18:49,926 but we should be able to find a hotel there. 378 00:18:51,767 --> 00:18:53,326 Having parked up... 379 00:18:53,366 --> 00:18:54,926 Shit! 380 00:18:54,967 --> 00:18:57,767 We checked into the town's only guesthouse 381 00:18:57,846 --> 00:19:02,207 and then, absolutely famished, sat down for dinner. 382 00:19:02,247 --> 00:19:05,645 Sadly, though, there wasn't much on the menu for Hammond. 383 00:19:05,685 --> 00:19:08,405 So this is... Well, these are dragonflies. 384 00:19:08,445 --> 00:19:10,405 Don't eat dragonflies. 385 00:19:10,445 --> 00:19:12,461 - You've never tried one? - Nobody eats dragonflies. 386 00:19:12,486 --> 00:19:15,125 This is... crickets. 387 00:19:15,165 --> 00:19:17,165 These are water beetles. 388 00:19:17,205 --> 00:19:19,605 - I don't eat water beetles. - They're tarantulas. 389 00:19:19,645 --> 00:19:21,645 I especially don't eat tarantulas. 390 00:19:21,685 --> 00:19:23,965 Or big spiders, anyway. 391 00:19:24,006 --> 00:19:26,924 The thing is... during the time of Pol Pot, 392 00:19:26,964 --> 00:19:30,523 they were starving and they had to. 393 00:19:30,525 --> 00:19:32,605 And they actually discovered that they're lovely. 394 00:19:32,644 --> 00:19:34,724 Do you know what Pol Pot means? 395 00:19:34,765 --> 00:19:36,884 - Everyone thinks it's his name. - Bad menu? 396 00:19:36,924 --> 00:19:39,444 It stands for Political Potential. 397 00:19:39,484 --> 00:19:41,525 Same as Jeremy Corbyn. Same policies. 398 00:19:41,605 --> 00:19:44,085 You're eating a taran... 399 00:19:44,125 --> 00:19:46,124 No, it's a dragonfly. 400 00:19:46,163 --> 00:19:48,243 - What do they taste like? - Dragonflies. 401 00:19:50,963 --> 00:19:53,242 - Oh! - I knew you'd have a problem. 402 00:19:53,243 --> 00:19:56,163 So I got you some hard-boiled eggs, Hammond. 403 00:19:56,203 --> 00:19:57,443 Is this a... 404 00:19:57,483 --> 00:19:59,364 This is a cricket, look. 405 00:19:59,403 --> 00:20:01,203 Can you see that? 406 00:20:01,243 --> 00:20:04,124 Do you eat it or do you disembowel it and then eat the flesh? 407 00:20:04,163 --> 00:20:05,644 Oh, my God! 408 00:20:05,683 --> 00:20:07,682 It's got a bird in it! 409 00:20:07,722 --> 00:20:09,722 What? 410 00:20:09,762 --> 00:20:12,202 That may be beyond my line... 411 00:20:12,242 --> 00:20:14,241 I'm just looking at it, thinking, "Really?" 412 00:20:14,242 --> 00:20:16,001 That is pretty revolting. 413 00:20:16,002 --> 00:20:19,522 It is, I know, but if you've got a socialist running, 414 00:20:19,603 --> 00:20:22,001 you know, like Britain when we've got Corbyn... 415 00:20:22,002 --> 00:20:24,762 this is what we're going to be eating. 416 00:20:26,843 --> 00:20:29,000 After our feast, it was time for bed. 417 00:20:29,001 --> 00:20:32,241 And we were shown to the best rooms in the house. 418 00:20:39,761 --> 00:20:42,201 Hang on, is that... That generator goes all the time? 419 00:20:42,241 --> 00:20:45,520 The noise - da, da, da, da... 420 00:20:45,521 --> 00:20:47,521 Can you make it, like, off? No? 421 00:20:47,602 --> 00:20:51,121 Off? Da, da, da, da... 422 00:20:52,121 --> 00:20:53,240 No? 423 00:20:53,240 --> 00:20:54,641 OK. 424 00:20:54,681 --> 00:20:57,520 It's impossible to think how this could be worse. 425 00:21:03,641 --> 00:21:05,520 And there it is. 426 00:21:18,319 --> 00:21:19,720 This... 427 00:21:22,680 --> 00:21:24,680 What's this? Why... Why? 428 00:21:24,720 --> 00:21:26,519 Why are they... 429 00:21:26,519 --> 00:21:28,880 What's that, in a grown man's bedroom? 430 00:21:42,878 --> 00:21:45,479 Dawn was magnificent. 431 00:21:45,519 --> 00:21:48,118 And there was no need to wake the cameramen to film it. 432 00:21:49,719 --> 00:21:53,917 Because they, like us, hadn't had a wink of sleep. 433 00:22:05,557 --> 00:22:09,438 That. That... 4:26. 434 00:22:09,478 --> 00:22:11,117 - Yeah. - 4:26. 435 00:22:11,157 --> 00:22:13,157 At midnight... 436 00:22:13,198 --> 00:22:16,076 2am, music stops. 437 00:22:16,116 --> 00:22:18,277 - And the dog-barking competition starts. - Yeah. 438 00:22:18,317 --> 00:22:20,676 - Till 4:26, cockerel starts. - Yeah. 439 00:22:20,717 --> 00:22:23,037 Till five. Fishing boats go out. 440 00:22:25,037 --> 00:22:27,037 Why don't they invent the silencer? 441 00:22:27,076 --> 00:22:29,237 They haven't got silencers for those or generators. 442 00:22:29,277 --> 00:22:32,237 It simply hasn't reached this bit of the world for some reason. 443 00:22:32,277 --> 00:22:33,876 Why do we do this? 444 00:22:33,916 --> 00:22:35,915 This is a boating holiday. 445 00:22:35,955 --> 00:22:38,715 - Yeah. Brilliant. - Life afloat. The glamour. 446 00:22:40,036 --> 00:22:41,556 To cheer ourselves up, 447 00:22:41,596 --> 00:22:43,635 we decided to shop for provisions. 448 00:22:43,675 --> 00:22:46,076 And we were in for a bit of a surprise, 449 00:22:46,115 --> 00:22:49,836 because this town was the Venice of the East. 450 00:22:57,634 --> 00:23:00,714 There were floating houses with satellite TV, 451 00:23:01,714 --> 00:23:03,714 floating workshops, 452 00:23:05,515 --> 00:23:07,275 floating supermarkets, 453 00:23:08,914 --> 00:23:10,315 a hospital 454 00:23:10,355 --> 00:23:12,355 and even a church. 455 00:23:14,234 --> 00:23:16,234 Look at this! It's a high street. 456 00:23:16,275 --> 00:23:19,354 So they've moved the town to where... 457 00:23:19,394 --> 00:23:21,529 Well, wherever the lake is, the town is always at the edge of it. 458 00:23:21,554 --> 00:23:22,874 Well, it moves itself. 459 00:23:22,913 --> 00:23:24,594 So what do we need? 460 00:23:24,634 --> 00:23:27,554 We need earplugs, we need sleeping pills, 461 00:23:27,594 --> 00:23:30,250 something to wash the sleeping pills down, I'm thinking strong beer... 462 00:23:30,273 --> 00:23:31,433 Yeah. 463 00:23:31,473 --> 00:23:33,513 Maybe so strong it's called whisky. 464 00:23:33,554 --> 00:23:35,153 Yeah, that beer. If nobody minds, 465 00:23:35,193 --> 00:23:37,394 I'd like to buy some cleaning products. 466 00:23:37,433 --> 00:23:39,729 Oh, because of the pornography that's gone on on your boat? 467 00:23:39,752 --> 00:23:44,113 Eugh! What's gone on down there does not bear thinking about. 468 00:23:45,512 --> 00:23:47,712 Unfortunately, trying to navigate 469 00:23:47,752 --> 00:23:49,792 through the busy streets 470 00:23:49,833 --> 00:23:53,153 exposed the PBR's Achilles heel: 471 00:23:53,192 --> 00:23:57,192 its mind-of-its-own steering at slow speeds. 472 00:23:57,232 --> 00:23:59,633 Oh, God! 473 00:23:59,672 --> 00:24:01,672 Look at it. Full left lock. 474 00:24:01,711 --> 00:24:03,791 Just concentrate on... 475 00:24:03,832 --> 00:24:06,031 Don't do that! 476 00:24:06,071 --> 00:24:08,071 This one is now going... This one's back. 477 00:24:09,112 --> 00:24:10,951 And that one's forwards. 478 00:24:10,991 --> 00:24:13,311 - No, that hasn't worked. - Backwards, backwards. 479 00:24:13,352 --> 00:24:16,471 Anything you want to buy from this shop? Cos we're arriving at it. 480 00:24:16,511 --> 00:24:18,271 - Oh, oh! 481 00:24:20,112 --> 00:24:23,750 Having finally crashed into the correct shop... 482 00:24:23,790 --> 00:24:26,310 we set about loading up with supplies. 483 00:24:27,550 --> 00:24:29,830 - Got mops. - That says beer. 484 00:24:29,871 --> 00:24:31,871 Do you have, erm... 485 00:24:31,911 --> 00:24:33,911 tablet for... 486 00:24:33,951 --> 00:24:35,871 Yeah, but for... 487 00:24:35,911 --> 00:24:38,310 for sleeping... ..elephant. 488 00:24:38,351 --> 00:24:40,230 So, big. 489 00:24:40,270 --> 00:24:42,069 But not for... Well, it could kill him. 490 00:24:42,109 --> 00:24:43,789 - That's what I mean. - Oh, right, OK. 491 00:24:44,789 --> 00:24:46,269 With the shopping done, 492 00:24:47,869 --> 00:24:49,470 we resumed our journey 493 00:24:49,509 --> 00:24:51,789 across the shallow, net-infested lake. 494 00:24:55,910 --> 00:24:58,029 I am under my own power for now. 495 00:24:58,069 --> 00:25:00,430 Ts and Ps looking good. 496 00:25:00,470 --> 00:25:02,630 Hammond too had mended his engines. 497 00:25:02,670 --> 00:25:04,788 But he daren't fire them up 498 00:25:04,828 --> 00:25:07,189 for fear of destroying them in the mud. 499 00:25:07,229 --> 00:25:09,628 So he was still being towed. 500 00:25:10,989 --> 00:25:14,269 I found a very kind and generous local fisherman 501 00:25:14,308 --> 00:25:16,308 to pull me along behind his little boat, 502 00:25:16,348 --> 00:25:18,068 that doesn't have a silencer on it. 503 00:25:20,229 --> 00:25:21,909 That boat wasn't powerful enough, 504 00:25:21,949 --> 00:25:23,365 so he found a mate and then another mate, 505 00:25:23,388 --> 00:25:25,708 and they've tied all their boats together. 506 00:25:25,748 --> 00:25:27,948 None of their engines have silencers. 507 00:25:30,907 --> 00:25:35,228 And we are now travelling at a speed too slow to register on any device. 508 00:25:39,708 --> 00:25:42,347 Bo-o-o-ored! 509 00:25:44,067 --> 00:25:45,866 Unlike my colleagues, 510 00:25:45,906 --> 00:25:48,987 I wasn't struggling with a Dickensian propulsion system. 511 00:25:53,227 --> 00:25:55,586 Thank you. 512 00:25:55,626 --> 00:25:58,267 But even so, I had run into a problem. 513 00:25:59,346 --> 00:26:01,106 Right, this is the end of the lake. 514 00:26:01,146 --> 00:26:02,626 I've made it. 515 00:26:02,666 --> 00:26:04,666 And there's the river, I think, over there. 516 00:26:04,707 --> 00:26:07,105 However, between me and it... 517 00:26:07,145 --> 00:26:09,625 there is a small obstacle. 518 00:26:14,066 --> 00:26:19,586 The mouth of the river was absolutely jammed with densely packed weed. 519 00:26:27,826 --> 00:26:31,265 So, to get through it, I decided to ditch Slow and Careful, 520 00:26:31,305 --> 00:26:34,664 and call on my old friends Speed and Power. 521 00:26:36,184 --> 00:26:37,384 Come on! 522 00:26:37,424 --> 00:26:38,664 Rise! 523 00:26:39,904 --> 00:26:41,744 Ye-e-e-eees! 524 00:26:41,785 --> 00:26:43,785 No! No! No! It's all gone wrong! 525 00:26:45,825 --> 00:26:48,785 Yeah, we're stuck. 526 00:26:48,825 --> 00:26:51,263 I think I filled my intakes up with leaves. 527 00:26:51,304 --> 00:26:52,743 Aarg! 528 00:26:54,864 --> 00:26:57,384 Meanwhile, back on the lake... 529 00:26:59,304 --> 00:27:01,624 my life was getting even worse. 530 00:27:01,663 --> 00:27:05,104 Right, situation update. I've run aground. 531 00:27:05,144 --> 00:27:07,784 I can't even turn my boat into wind cos it's stuck. 532 00:27:09,104 --> 00:27:12,063 And there's a storm coming. 533 00:27:12,103 --> 00:27:14,262 And it wasn't like my camera boat could help 534 00:27:14,303 --> 00:27:16,623 because that was beached as well. 535 00:27:17,863 --> 00:27:20,143 Oh, look at those poor sods. 536 00:27:20,182 --> 00:27:23,103 And then, to rub salt in the wounds... 537 00:27:27,303 --> 00:27:29,903 Are you stuck? I thought you were waiting for me. 538 00:27:29,942 --> 00:27:32,862 No, I'm stuck. But my boat's not powerful enough to tow... 539 00:27:32,902 --> 00:27:36,382 Nothing I can do. I thought you were waiting for me. I didn't know you were stuck. 540 00:27:36,422 --> 00:27:38,422 I'm really sorry. 541 00:27:48,902 --> 00:27:50,701 Oh, hell. 542 00:27:50,741 --> 00:27:52,741 Oh, God. 543 00:27:56,780 --> 00:27:59,181 Back in the lettuce field, I'd enlisted the help 544 00:27:59,221 --> 00:28:03,060 of the few remaining locals not being employed by James and Richard. 545 00:28:07,461 --> 00:28:09,381 It is actually moving. 546 00:28:09,421 --> 00:28:11,421 Yes! Yes! 547 00:28:11,461 --> 00:28:13,260 Yes! 548 00:28:13,300 --> 00:28:17,220 The mighty PBR has been freed by the local chaps. 549 00:28:19,859 --> 00:28:22,539 Soon, I was also being towed. 550 00:28:22,579 --> 00:28:26,660 So I had time to reflect on the awfulness of our boating holiday. 551 00:28:27,700 --> 00:28:29,180 I mean, it's farcical. 552 00:28:29,220 --> 00:28:31,700 We've got half of Cambodia in the water 553 00:28:31,740 --> 00:28:34,859 freeing us from fishing nets and ropes, 554 00:28:34,900 --> 00:28:37,939 and trying to pull out the camera crew boats. They're all stuck. 555 00:28:37,979 --> 00:28:39,818 It's rubbish! 556 00:28:39,858 --> 00:28:41,739 Are you stuck? 557 00:28:41,778 --> 00:28:43,138 Yeah? 558 00:28:43,179 --> 00:28:45,179 Is he stuck? 559 00:28:45,219 --> 00:28:46,618 Right. 560 00:28:46,659 --> 00:28:48,659 They're all stuck. 561 00:28:50,898 --> 00:28:53,778 Eventually, though, Hammond and I found deeper water, 562 00:28:53,818 --> 00:28:56,778 and were able to proceed under own own steam. 563 00:29:02,498 --> 00:29:04,298 I have two engines! 564 00:29:07,778 --> 00:29:09,018 It's Clarkson. 565 00:29:09,057 --> 00:29:11,778 Calling Commander Clarkson. 566 00:29:11,817 --> 00:29:14,498 Right, chaps? Er... welcome, 567 00:29:14,538 --> 00:29:16,137 first of all. Nice to have you here. 568 00:29:16,178 --> 00:29:17,977 No time for pleasantries, though. 569 00:29:18,017 --> 00:29:21,737 The problem we have is that is a very significant chunk of weeds, 570 00:29:21,777 --> 00:29:27,057 and this can do everything except go through them. 571 00:29:27,096 --> 00:29:30,376 The issue was that my giant V8s would suck the leaves 572 00:29:30,416 --> 00:29:32,416 into the jets and clog them up. 573 00:29:34,656 --> 00:29:38,656 So Hammond and May decided to slice a path through the veg patch 574 00:29:38,697 --> 00:29:40,695 using their old-fashioned props. 575 00:29:41,855 --> 00:29:43,655 Here we go into the reeds. 576 00:29:46,296 --> 00:29:47,935 Hand on throttle. 577 00:29:50,576 --> 00:29:53,375 I was then towed through by a local. 578 00:29:54,496 --> 00:29:56,615 Here I am going through the salad, 579 00:29:56,655 --> 00:30:01,055 pre-minced by Hammond and May with their 19th-century propellers. 580 00:30:02,335 --> 00:30:04,694 Ooh, it's not liking this at all. 581 00:30:04,734 --> 00:30:07,375 Watching my temperatures. They're climbing already. 582 00:30:14,454 --> 00:30:15,694 Bit snaggy. 583 00:30:15,734 --> 00:30:17,734 Oh, come on. 584 00:30:17,775 --> 00:30:20,174 Come on, boat. 585 00:30:20,214 --> 00:30:24,773 Nevertheless, our salad mincers kept chopping away. 586 00:30:24,814 --> 00:30:26,773 Hammond, it opens up down there. 587 00:30:26,814 --> 00:30:28,493 Can you see? About 200 yards. 588 00:30:28,534 --> 00:30:30,733 Yes, clear water. Oh, yes. 589 00:30:33,933 --> 00:30:35,013 Yes! 590 00:30:35,054 --> 00:30:36,453 I'm weed free! 591 00:30:37,933 --> 00:30:39,973 What a victory for the antique, eh? 592 00:30:41,933 --> 00:30:44,012 We then sailed down a narrow channel 593 00:30:44,052 --> 00:30:45,813 created by the fishermen. 594 00:30:47,573 --> 00:30:50,093 Do you know what's the most amazing thing about these reeds, 595 00:30:50,133 --> 00:30:52,068 apart from that they look like giant flat-leaf parsley? 596 00:30:52,093 --> 00:30:55,653 It's that, according to a local, if I understood him correctly, 597 00:30:55,692 --> 00:30:57,853 they weren't even here ten days ago. 598 00:30:57,893 --> 00:31:00,692 And now there are miles of them. 599 00:31:00,732 --> 00:31:02,573 Ten days! 600 00:31:02,613 --> 00:31:04,771 Imagine if you could grow vegetables that quickly. 601 00:31:07,932 --> 00:31:11,051 Joyfully, though, the river eventually opened up. 602 00:31:11,092 --> 00:31:14,692 And, finally, after two days of frustration, 603 00:31:14,731 --> 00:31:17,652 all of us were able to open the taps. 604 00:31:22,932 --> 00:31:25,171 For me especially, this was great 605 00:31:25,211 --> 00:31:28,490 because it meant I finally had some steering. 606 00:31:29,851 --> 00:31:32,211 Oh, yes! Look at this! The speed! 607 00:31:33,851 --> 00:31:35,411 The speed! 608 00:31:39,330 --> 00:31:40,651 Oh-ho-ho! 609 00:31:40,691 --> 00:31:42,691 Oh, my word! 610 00:31:49,009 --> 00:31:50,410 Come on, boat machine! 611 00:31:50,450 --> 00:31:51,849 Du Ma! 612 00:31:54,250 --> 00:31:56,890 Mind you, when I say all of us had opened the taps... 613 00:32:00,930 --> 00:32:02,730 Fuel and temperature's good. 614 00:32:03,730 --> 00:32:05,210 Oil pressure is excellent. 615 00:32:06,210 --> 00:32:08,209 I believe I am boating. 616 00:32:10,328 --> 00:32:12,528 We were now on the Tonlé Sap, 617 00:32:12,568 --> 00:32:14,969 the only river in the world where the flow 618 00:32:15,009 --> 00:32:17,489 changes direction according to the season. 619 00:32:17,528 --> 00:32:19,209 And straightaway, 620 00:32:19,249 --> 00:32:22,368 Hammond and I had important work to do. 621 00:32:22,409 --> 00:32:24,368 Do you wanna see who's got the quicker boat? 622 00:32:24,409 --> 00:32:26,528 Oh, this is so inevitable! 623 00:32:26,568 --> 00:32:29,968 Right, what we're gonna have now is a drag race. 624 00:32:30,008 --> 00:32:34,847 And that's when he will see the vast superiority of the jet, 625 00:32:34,887 --> 00:32:38,008 the instant torque and acceleration of jet power. 626 00:32:39,567 --> 00:32:42,248 With a far-off bridge chosen as the finish point, 627 00:32:42,288 --> 00:32:44,288 we lined up for a run. 628 00:32:44,327 --> 00:32:48,248 Three... two... one... Go. 629 00:32:55,967 --> 00:32:58,207 Oh, no! 630 00:32:58,247 --> 00:33:00,886 There you go, there's the difference. Trimming my jets. 631 00:33:03,846 --> 00:33:05,846 And that's goodbye, Mr Hammond. 632 00:33:07,446 --> 00:33:08,767 I'm up on the plane now. 633 00:33:11,125 --> 00:33:12,165 Ha-ha! 634 00:33:13,526 --> 00:33:15,526 Oh, no, he... Look at him. 635 00:33:15,566 --> 00:33:17,766 And here he's coming back at me. 636 00:33:17,806 --> 00:33:20,286 Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on! 637 00:33:20,326 --> 00:33:23,526 No! Come on, boat machine, you can do this! 638 00:33:26,766 --> 00:33:29,726 No! No! I won't have this! 639 00:33:29,766 --> 00:33:32,404 I'm gonna do it! Come on! 640 00:33:32,444 --> 00:33:34,244 Here's the finish line! 641 00:33:34,285 --> 00:33:35,845 Yea-aaah! 642 00:33:35,884 --> 00:33:38,565 - No! No! 643 00:33:38,605 --> 00:33:42,365 Ghastly little Brummie in his HMS Pornography. 644 00:33:44,244 --> 00:33:46,484 Having lost the ridiculous drag race, 645 00:33:46,525 --> 00:33:49,805 I proposed a high-speed brake test. 646 00:33:49,845 --> 00:33:52,964 Ready? We're in full forward thrust with my jets. 647 00:33:54,804 --> 00:33:58,804 And I'm about to go into full reverse thrust. 648 00:33:58,844 --> 00:34:00,723 Instantly. Just lowers some buckets down 649 00:34:00,763 --> 00:34:03,044 and the water shoots forwards instead of back. 650 00:34:03,084 --> 00:34:07,284 What Hammond didn't know is that this is a PBR party piece. 651 00:34:08,284 --> 00:34:10,403 Three... two... one... Go. 652 00:34:23,322 --> 00:34:25,322 Jesus Christ! 653 00:34:29,762 --> 00:34:32,041 No, I-I will give you that! You won that! 654 00:34:32,043 --> 00:34:35,041 That was quite a soaking. 655 00:34:35,043 --> 00:34:37,961 Famously, these PBRs can stop from top speed to a dead stop 656 00:34:38,001 --> 00:34:40,001 in their own length, 31 feet. 657 00:34:40,041 --> 00:34:43,762 There's water still dribbling down that camera, look, from that wave! 658 00:34:45,322 --> 00:34:48,521 I think I just proved... that story's true. 659 00:34:50,161 --> 00:34:52,041 Meanwhile, several miles back, 660 00:34:52,081 --> 00:34:55,561 I'd pinned my engine to try and catch up with the other two. 661 00:35:06,920 --> 00:35:08,559 Oh, cock! 662 00:35:08,561 --> 00:35:10,561 My cushion's in the water. 663 00:35:23,360 --> 00:35:24,880 Bollocks! 664 00:35:28,159 --> 00:35:31,000 So, if I go full-right steering... 665 00:35:33,079 --> 00:35:34,360 Stop. 666 00:35:34,400 --> 00:35:36,400 What the bloody hell is...? 667 00:35:39,958 --> 00:35:42,918 Hammond, you've gotta try a bit of wave jumping, it's hilarious. 668 00:35:47,719 --> 00:35:50,318 Oh, I like that game! 669 00:35:53,079 --> 00:35:55,038 There's Richard Hammond playing in the waves. 670 00:35:55,039 --> 00:35:56,798 What could possibly go wrong? 671 00:35:58,878 --> 00:36:00,878 Unlikely to be a fire for once. 672 00:36:04,518 --> 00:36:07,838 Damn it, I'm enjoying it! Must not enjoy boating. 673 00:36:08,998 --> 00:36:10,358 Ya-ha-ha-hay! 674 00:36:20,438 --> 00:36:23,876 While May entertained the locals, 675 00:36:23,916 --> 00:36:27,356 Hammond and I were nearing Cambodia's capital city. 676 00:36:30,317 --> 00:36:32,077 Yes! Phnom Penh. 677 00:36:33,157 --> 00:36:35,157 There's Phnom Penh dead ahead. 678 00:36:43,795 --> 00:36:45,795 I am in slight wonderment. 679 00:36:45,835 --> 00:36:48,554 Nobody told me when I failed my A Levels 680 00:36:48,556 --> 00:36:50,996 that one day I'd be driving a PBR 681 00:36:51,036 --> 00:36:54,554 down the Tonlé Sap River into Phnom Penh. 682 00:36:54,556 --> 00:36:57,315 Mainly because back then Cambodia was... 683 00:36:59,516 --> 00:37:01,835 entirely impossible to get into 684 00:37:01,876 --> 00:37:05,554 because it was run by the biggest lunatic the world's ever seen, 685 00:37:05,554 --> 00:37:07,434 Pol Pot. 686 00:37:09,195 --> 00:37:13,195 The man killed 25 per cent of the Cambodian population. 687 00:37:13,235 --> 00:37:15,235 25 per cent. 688 00:37:15,275 --> 00:37:19,275 He just said that anybody who could speak a foreign language, 689 00:37:19,315 --> 00:37:23,034 or who had soft hands, or wore glasses... 690 00:37:23,034 --> 00:37:27,032 Anyone remotely intelligent had to be killed. 691 00:37:27,034 --> 00:37:29,233 If you haven't seen the movie The Killing Fields, 692 00:37:29,273 --> 00:37:32,034 please watch it, please. 693 00:37:34,153 --> 00:37:36,554 You'll get an idea from that of the horror. 694 00:37:39,034 --> 00:37:43,233 Having parked up, we decided to wait for James at the FCC. 695 00:37:45,074 --> 00:37:47,432 I reckon this is one of the coolest bars 696 00:37:47,472 --> 00:37:49,833 anywhere in the world. 697 00:37:49,873 --> 00:37:53,432 Back in the day when Cambodia was, let's say, a troubled nation, 698 00:37:53,472 --> 00:37:56,648 this is where all the foreign correspondents for all of the world's media outlets 699 00:37:56,672 --> 00:37:58,233 used to meet for a drink, 700 00:37:58,273 --> 00:38:00,393 hence FCC, Foreign Correspondents' Club. 701 00:38:00,432 --> 00:38:02,592 It's when there was some romance in journalism. 702 00:38:02,672 --> 00:38:04,353 Oh, and expense accounts. 703 00:38:04,393 --> 00:38:06,592 And drinking. They drank a lot. 704 00:38:06,672 --> 00:38:09,032 - You can feel it in the room. - You can. 705 00:38:09,072 --> 00:38:11,791 You can sense ruined cirrhosis. 706 00:38:11,831 --> 00:38:14,072 Some intelligent, hammered minds. 707 00:38:14,152 --> 00:38:17,271 They used to come in here with guns they'd found, 708 00:38:17,311 --> 00:38:19,550 get absolutely slaughtered, 709 00:38:19,552 --> 00:38:22,431 and then just shoot guns from the balconies. 710 00:38:22,472 --> 00:38:26,552 You could do clay beer-bottle shoots but with AKs! 711 00:38:26,592 --> 00:38:28,590 "I've drunk 17 beers." 712 00:38:28,670 --> 00:38:31,231 "And we're going to have a considerable fight." 713 00:38:31,271 --> 00:38:34,150 "And then I'm going to write my copy with a broken nose." 714 00:38:36,550 --> 00:38:40,391 After we'd raised a glass or ten to the ghosts of the past, 715 00:38:40,431 --> 00:38:42,431 James finally arrived. 716 00:38:42,471 --> 00:38:44,911 And we decided to buy some things 717 00:38:44,951 --> 00:38:47,710 to make our lives on board more comfortable. 718 00:38:58,750 --> 00:38:59,989 Oooh, missed 'em. 719 00:39:03,550 --> 00:39:05,989 Why don't we go to the market first of all? 720 00:39:06,030 --> 00:39:07,789 A real local market for local people? 721 00:39:07,829 --> 00:39:09,309 - Yes. - Yeah, let's go there. 722 00:39:12,949 --> 00:39:14,547 - Come on! - Yeah! 723 00:39:14,548 --> 00:39:16,389 That's using internal combustion. 724 00:39:16,429 --> 00:39:18,429 What about global warming? 725 00:39:20,668 --> 00:39:23,309 Eventually, we found the local market. 726 00:39:23,349 --> 00:39:27,309 And immediately we were distracted by all the pretty watches. 727 00:39:29,148 --> 00:39:30,469 That's a Breitling. 728 00:39:32,668 --> 00:39:36,027 I thought Breitling would take better care of their display than this. 729 00:39:37,867 --> 00:39:39,907 Look at the Hublot. That's a tasteful watch. 730 00:39:41,987 --> 00:39:45,307 And so light for such exquisite quality. 731 00:39:45,347 --> 00:39:47,347 And all these diamonds. 732 00:39:47,387 --> 00:39:49,547 - Omega. - Omega? 733 00:39:49,547 --> 00:39:51,387 See, that is my Omega. 734 00:39:51,427 --> 00:39:55,666 And this one is orange but in every other way, identical. 735 00:39:56,706 --> 00:39:57,907 Jezza? 736 00:39:57,947 --> 00:39:59,387 They haven't realised it, 737 00:39:59,427 --> 00:40:00,907 but there's a gold Rolex there 738 00:40:00,947 --> 00:40:03,027 and there's a Planet Ocean Omega there. 739 00:40:03,067 --> 00:40:05,067 I just asked how much a Seamaster is. 740 00:40:05,146 --> 00:40:07,746 These are about £3,000 in the UK, yes? 741 00:40:07,786 --> 00:40:09,786 - Yes. -Guess how much they are here. 742 00:40:09,827 --> 00:40:11,266 I don't know, 2,000. 743 00:40:12,266 --> 00:40:14,786 - £50. - £50? 744 00:40:14,826 --> 00:40:18,746 I mean, I know their overheads are low, but that's extraordinary. 745 00:40:18,786 --> 00:40:22,425 - That must mean the mark-up on those watches is enormous. -Exactly. 746 00:40:23,905 --> 00:40:25,786 Oh, hello. Hello! 747 00:40:25,826 --> 00:40:27,945 Is that a real Jaguar belt? 748 00:40:27,985 --> 00:40:31,065 I've got a Ja-a-ag. 749 00:40:31,146 --> 00:40:32,585 How much is this? 750 00:40:32,666 --> 00:40:34,306 22 Dollars. 751 00:40:34,346 --> 00:40:36,704 25. And here, because you're a nice chap... 752 00:40:36,744 --> 00:40:39,545 - Yeah? - Erm... keep it. Thank you. 753 00:40:39,585 --> 00:40:42,144 Nothing on God's green earth annoys me more 754 00:40:42,184 --> 00:40:45,824 than European people haggling in places like this. 755 00:40:45,864 --> 00:40:48,144 Cos they're haggling over a dollar... 756 00:40:48,184 --> 00:40:50,824 It doesn't matter to you, it doesn't matter, 757 00:40:50,864 --> 00:40:52,664 and it matters a lot to them. 758 00:40:52,704 --> 00:40:54,264 Just pay the price. 759 00:40:54,304 --> 00:40:56,304 - How much? - 75. 760 00:40:56,344 --> 00:40:59,824 Ow! I was thinking 25. 761 00:40:59,864 --> 00:41:02,063 Having stocked up on luxury goods, 762 00:41:02,143 --> 00:41:04,943 we went in search of some more practical items. 763 00:41:04,983 --> 00:41:06,943 Oh, hello! Cooking, cooking. 764 00:41:06,983 --> 00:41:08,664 Yes. 765 00:41:08,704 --> 00:41:10,423 Something for getting rid of flies. 766 00:41:10,463 --> 00:41:11,543 Here. 767 00:41:11,583 --> 00:41:13,543 Flies, zz. 768 00:41:13,543 --> 00:41:15,784 - Taser. - Taser? 769 00:41:15,824 --> 00:41:17,503 Oh, gee. 770 00:41:22,862 --> 00:41:25,023 Thank you. You're a life saver. It's very hot. 771 00:41:41,942 --> 00:41:44,302 What's that woman with the gold outfit? 772 00:41:44,342 --> 00:41:46,342 That looks Hindu. 773 00:41:46,382 --> 00:41:48,382 - Is it very old? - Yes. 774 00:41:49,382 --> 00:41:51,181 It is? Oh. 775 00:41:51,222 --> 00:41:53,222 - Are these old as well? - Yes. 776 00:42:08,820 --> 00:42:10,740 Can I have another one for the other armpit? 777 00:42:12,900 --> 00:42:16,420 Having bought all we needed to make a night afloat more comfortable, 778 00:42:16,460 --> 00:42:19,860 we immediately checked into a five-star hotel... 779 00:42:21,300 --> 00:42:22,659 - Good evening. - Good evening. 780 00:42:22,699 --> 00:42:24,699 Oh, of course, that's very kind. Thank you. 781 00:42:24,739 --> 00:42:27,179 And then went to the rooftop bar. 782 00:42:28,739 --> 00:42:31,739 So, that is the government building down there. 783 00:42:31,780 --> 00:42:34,500 Which I... Look at the lighting on that. 784 00:42:34,539 --> 00:42:36,436 It's one of the cleverest... Cos it looks like curtains. 785 00:42:36,460 --> 00:42:39,420 It looks like theatre curtains closing or opening. 786 00:42:39,460 --> 00:42:41,460 Is that where the Prime Minister hangs out? 787 00:42:41,500 --> 00:42:44,418 - No, no, don't, don't, don't. - He's not there? 788 00:42:44,458 --> 00:42:46,179 No, don't call him Prime Minister. 789 00:42:46,219 --> 00:42:47,579 Well, what is he, then? 790 00:42:47,659 --> 00:42:49,434 Well, weirdly, I was reading the Financial Times. 791 00:42:49,458 --> 00:42:51,378 And I've saved it. Hang on. 792 00:42:51,418 --> 00:42:55,018 Mr Hun Sen, a ruler of 31 years, 793 00:42:55,018 --> 00:42:58,018 who insists on being referred to as: 794 00:42:58,059 --> 00:43:01,938 "Lord Prime Minister and Supreme Military Commander." 795 00:43:01,978 --> 00:43:05,137 So, if you are referring to him, you must say, 796 00:43:05,177 --> 00:43:08,697 "Lord Prime Minister and Supreme Military Commander." 797 00:43:08,737 --> 00:43:11,858 His wife, Bun Rany, she is officially known as: 798 00:43:11,898 --> 00:43:16,577 "Most glorious and upright person of genius." 799 00:43:16,657 --> 00:43:18,538 I want to be called... In fact, I want... 800 00:43:18,577 --> 00:43:21,458 Most glorious and upright person of genius. 801 00:43:21,498 --> 00:43:24,498 I want you two to start calling me that. 802 00:43:26,217 --> 00:43:28,737 After a bit more conversation, we went to bed. 803 00:43:29,737 --> 00:43:31,737 Well, one of us did. 804 00:43:33,737 --> 00:43:35,817 I've got paint, paint brushes, 805 00:43:35,856 --> 00:43:37,657 and then I've got spray paint. 806 00:43:37,697 --> 00:43:39,177 Where's the bicycles? 807 00:43:39,217 --> 00:43:40,896 Oh, they're here. Thank you. 808 00:43:40,936 --> 00:43:43,137 Thank you so much. Thank you very much. 809 00:43:44,416 --> 00:43:46,416 I love to follow you. 810 00:43:51,615 --> 00:43:57,255 The next morning, I fitted my new lavatory seat and air-conditioning unit. 811 00:43:57,295 --> 00:43:59,896 James installed his drinks fridge. 812 00:43:59,936 --> 00:44:02,896 And after Hammond had slipped into his new shirt... 813 00:44:06,976 --> 00:44:08,494 we set off. 814 00:44:11,335 --> 00:44:16,335 And immediately, it was hard to keep a straight face. 815 00:44:16,375 --> 00:44:18,414 We have played jokes on one another before, 816 00:44:18,454 --> 00:44:22,215 but I'm not sure we've ever pulled one as good as this. 817 00:44:22,255 --> 00:44:24,014 From where Richard Hammond is standing, 818 00:44:24,054 --> 00:44:27,175 he has no idea what James and I have done. 819 00:44:37,693 --> 00:44:39,253 Hey, guys? 820 00:44:39,293 --> 00:44:43,454 This is the first time we've run under our own steam as a three. 821 00:44:43,494 --> 00:44:45,534 Yeah, it feels good. 822 00:44:45,574 --> 00:44:47,974 I'm not sure it feels that good, though, does it? 823 00:44:48,014 --> 00:44:50,014 Do you know what might feel better? 824 00:45:01,572 --> 00:45:02,932 Thank you. 825 00:45:04,972 --> 00:45:06,172 Very funny. 826 00:45:14,211 --> 00:45:16,972 We were now 150 miles into our journey 827 00:45:17,012 --> 00:45:18,612 and leaving the Tonlé Sap 828 00:45:18,652 --> 00:45:21,371 to join the world's most iconic river - 829 00:45:22,371 --> 00:45:24,371 the mighty Mekong. 830 00:45:24,411 --> 00:45:26,331 ♪ Hold on ♪ 831 00:45:26,371 --> 00:45:28,371 ♪ I'm coming ♪ 832 00:45:28,411 --> 00:45:30,411 ♪ I'm goin' my way... ♪ 833 00:45:30,452 --> 00:45:35,130 And I was going down it at full chat in a jet boat. 834 00:45:37,811 --> 00:45:41,650 These jets, they're New Zealand jets, and they are epic. 835 00:45:41,690 --> 00:45:43,971 ♪ Hold on ♪ 836 00:45:44,010 --> 00:45:46,490 ♪ I'm coming ♪ 837 00:45:46,530 --> 00:45:48,411 The jet skis you rent on holiday, 838 00:45:48,451 --> 00:45:50,130 they have one impeller in a tube, 839 00:45:50,170 --> 00:45:52,530 suck water in, shoot it out the back and go along. 840 00:45:52,570 --> 00:45:55,130 The jets in this are a bit different. 841 00:45:55,170 --> 00:45:56,610 They're two-stage impellers. 842 00:45:56,650 --> 00:45:59,250 One sucks the water in and gets it spinning, 843 00:45:59,289 --> 00:46:03,210 fires it into the second one that properly hammers it out the back. 844 00:46:05,050 --> 00:46:07,849 Instant acceleration, and a lot of it. 845 00:46:12,530 --> 00:46:13,929 Speed boating. 846 00:46:20,889 --> 00:46:23,048 There really was one of these in Miami Vice. 847 00:46:23,088 --> 00:46:27,128 Don Johnson drove around in it with his sleeves rolled up, looking cool. 848 00:46:27,168 --> 00:46:30,688 And, in fact, this is a Scarab Thunder, 849 00:46:30,728 --> 00:46:33,889 and it was built specially for a television series 850 00:46:33,929 --> 00:46:35,929 called Thunder starring Hulk Hogan. 851 00:46:35,969 --> 00:46:37,967 It lasted one season. 852 00:46:38,007 --> 00:46:39,768 It was crap. 853 00:46:39,807 --> 00:46:41,568 But the boat exists. 854 00:46:47,487 --> 00:46:49,487 Another funny thing about boats. 855 00:46:49,527 --> 00:46:56,327 When you have a car, you never, ever run it at max revs all day. 856 00:46:56,367 --> 00:46:58,166 But with boats, that's what you do. 857 00:46:59,407 --> 00:47:01,367 Have you ever driven a car where you've just... 858 00:47:01,407 --> 00:47:04,367 maxed it from the moment you start in the morning 859 00:47:04,407 --> 00:47:06,407 and left it maxed all day? 860 00:47:07,686 --> 00:47:09,967 Yeah, I had a company Renault Clio for a while 861 00:47:10,007 --> 00:47:11,847 and that's how I drove it. 862 00:47:15,367 --> 00:47:17,766 Meanwhile, a long way further back, 863 00:47:17,806 --> 00:47:22,405 I was contemplating the enormity of this incredible river. 864 00:47:24,686 --> 00:47:26,686 Here's a stat for you. 865 00:47:26,726 --> 00:47:28,846 The volume of fish caught in the Mekong 866 00:47:28,885 --> 00:47:32,326 is 13 times greater than the volume of fish 867 00:47:32,365 --> 00:47:36,646 caught in all of America's inland waterways combined. 868 00:47:36,686 --> 00:47:41,405 60 million people depend on the Mekong for food or their livelihood. 869 00:47:41,445 --> 00:47:43,445 60 million people. 870 00:47:44,844 --> 00:47:48,045 So messing this up with things like damming 871 00:47:49,164 --> 00:47:51,164 could be as bad as nuclear war. 872 00:47:55,764 --> 00:47:58,605 Up ahead, Jeremy and I were trying to create 873 00:47:58,644 --> 00:48:02,483 a professional impression at the Vietnamese border checkpoint. 874 00:48:04,083 --> 00:48:06,403 Oh, that hasn't worked. 875 00:48:06,443 --> 00:48:08,804 Oh. 876 00:48:09,804 --> 00:48:11,123 Yeah. 877 00:48:11,164 --> 00:48:13,164 - Hi. - Thank you. 878 00:48:13,204 --> 00:48:16,204 We're experienced travellers passing through. 879 00:48:16,244 --> 00:48:18,043 Yeah, we were born in boats, really. 880 00:48:22,083 --> 00:48:24,043 Hammond, I'm really sorry, 881 00:48:24,083 --> 00:48:26,083 but the customs man's dog has died. 882 00:48:28,083 --> 00:48:30,603 Oh, no. Oh, what a terrible time to arrive. 883 00:48:30,643 --> 00:48:32,682 I'm not sure he's gonna be very happy. 884 00:48:33,722 --> 00:48:35,802 Hello. 885 00:48:35,842 --> 00:48:38,362 I'm beginning to suspect there may be man-made fibres 886 00:48:38,402 --> 00:48:40,842 involved in this shirt of mine. 887 00:48:40,882 --> 00:48:42,882 It's uncomfortable. 888 00:48:45,681 --> 00:48:47,202 With the paperwork done, 889 00:48:47,242 --> 00:48:50,001 I observed nautical courtesy with the flags, 890 00:48:51,481 --> 00:48:53,442 donned a PBR-crew black beret... 891 00:48:53,481 --> 00:48:54,561 Right. 892 00:48:55,561 --> 00:48:58,842 And roared into the Nam. 893 00:48:58,882 --> 00:49:02,161 ♪ Some folks are born, made to wave the flag ♪ 894 00:49:02,202 --> 00:49:04,202 ♪ Ooh, they're red, white and blue ♪ 895 00:49:06,081 --> 00:49:09,041 ♪ And when the band plays Hail To The Chief ♪ 896 00:49:09,081 --> 00:49:10,800 ♪ Ooh, they point the cannon at you... ♪ 897 00:49:10,840 --> 00:49:13,960 Suddenly, the PBR is feeling alive and sprightly. 898 00:49:14,001 --> 00:49:16,880 ♪ It ain't me ♪ 899 00:49:16,920 --> 00:49:19,481 ♪ I ain't no senator's son, son ♪ 900 00:49:21,121 --> 00:49:22,880 This is what it was built to do, 901 00:49:22,920 --> 00:49:27,159 hammer down the Mekong River in Vietnam. 902 00:49:27,199 --> 00:49:30,679 ♪ Some folks are born, silver spoon in hand ♪ 903 00:49:30,719 --> 00:49:34,480 ♪ Lord, don't they help themselves, oh ♪ 904 00:49:34,519 --> 00:49:38,440 ♪ But when the taxman comes to the door ♪ 905 00:49:38,480 --> 00:49:42,119 ♪ Lord, the house looks like a rummage sale, yeah ♪ 906 00:49:42,159 --> 00:49:44,880 Cambodia, Mekong River virtually empty. 907 00:49:44,920 --> 00:49:49,199 In Vietnam now, Mekong River very full of commerce. 908 00:49:49,239 --> 00:49:52,918 ♪ It ain't me, it ain't me ♪ 909 00:49:52,958 --> 00:49:54,958 ♪ I'm no fortunate one, no ♪ 910 00:49:56,958 --> 00:49:59,119 I, too, was in Vietnam at this point, 911 00:49:59,159 --> 00:50:02,599 and something was dawning on me. 912 00:50:02,639 --> 00:50:05,998 Strikes me I'm being a bit of a mug because I'm thrashing this boat, 913 00:50:06,039 --> 00:50:10,838 but it only does 23 km/h, about 11.5 knots, 914 00:50:10,878 --> 00:50:14,077 and I'm trying to catch up with people I don't even want to be with anyway. 915 00:50:14,117 --> 00:50:18,597 So, I decided to ease off and break out my new fishing rod. 916 00:50:27,117 --> 00:50:29,556 That is working a treat. I should really have a spinner on 917 00:50:29,597 --> 00:50:31,436 or something like that, but... 918 00:50:33,077 --> 00:50:34,677 Yeah, that's fishing. 919 00:50:34,717 --> 00:50:37,197 In the most densely fish-populated 920 00:50:37,237 --> 00:50:38,677 fishing place in the world. 921 00:50:46,836 --> 00:50:49,876 After a few miles, I turned off the Mekong 922 00:50:49,916 --> 00:50:53,516 and asked Hammond to follow me to the town of Chau Doc. 923 00:50:56,195 --> 00:51:01,036 And this time, when we arrived under the watchful gaze of yet more officials, 924 00:51:01,076 --> 00:51:02,996 we were determined to park well. 925 00:51:09,036 --> 00:51:11,675 Jeremy? You've now got my boat and I'm not on it! 926 00:51:11,715 --> 00:51:13,514 What? 927 00:51:13,554 --> 00:51:15,635 I'm not on it and it's no longer tied on! 928 00:51:15,675 --> 00:51:17,835 - It's not tied on on that end? - No, it's come off! 929 00:51:17,875 --> 00:51:20,275 - Why didn't you tie it on? - I thought I had! 930 00:51:20,315 --> 00:51:23,875 Oh, for God's sake. Your boat's got free, Hammond. 931 00:51:23,914 --> 00:51:28,315 I quickly picked up Richard so he could re-acquire his boat. 932 00:51:28,355 --> 00:51:30,315 OK, that's that test concluded, 933 00:51:30,355 --> 00:51:32,474 "Where would it go?" test. It went to there. 934 00:51:32,514 --> 00:51:34,313 Yeah, exactly. So we now know... 935 00:51:34,353 --> 00:51:37,514 That's the drift, we've established the drift, it goes that way. 936 00:51:37,554 --> 00:51:40,074 Everything we need to know. 937 00:51:40,114 --> 00:51:43,074 Finally, we managed to tie ourselves to some land. 938 00:51:43,114 --> 00:51:46,353 And that is how we do that. 939 00:51:46,393 --> 00:51:48,793 And it was at this point Hammond got the joke. 940 00:51:50,713 --> 00:51:53,914 - I've just seen it! - What? 941 00:51:53,952 --> 00:51:56,313 What you've done to my boat. 942 00:51:56,353 --> 00:51:58,873 - Have I been... - Yes, all day. 943 00:51:58,913 --> 00:52:01,353 - How have I not seen that? - You haven't seen it all day. 944 00:52:01,393 --> 00:52:05,432 You've been through Cambodian customs, Vietnamese immigration, 945 00:52:05,472 --> 00:52:07,072 - Vietnamese customs. - Oh, my God! 946 00:52:07,112 --> 00:52:10,152 You've driven probably 100 miles down the Mekong. 947 00:52:10,193 --> 00:52:12,992 - I waved at people. "Hi!" - The thing is, Hammond, 948 00:52:13,032 --> 00:52:15,311 it's very bad luck to change the name of a boat. 949 00:52:15,351 --> 00:52:16,512 Oh, God. 950 00:52:16,552 --> 00:52:18,711 Anyway, I'll leave you to ponder that. 951 00:52:18,751 --> 00:52:20,472 The reason why... 952 00:52:21,952 --> 00:52:24,512 we've parked here in this quite tight spot 953 00:52:24,552 --> 00:52:26,871 and come to this town is because 954 00:52:28,592 --> 00:52:30,351 I want to tell you a little story. 955 00:52:32,871 --> 00:52:35,592 On January 31st, 1968 956 00:52:36,990 --> 00:52:39,271 the town of Chau Doc was overrun... 957 00:52:40,791 --> 00:52:42,431 as part of the Tet Offensive. 958 00:52:52,990 --> 00:52:58,150 A flotilla of PBRs set about rescuing Americans 959 00:52:58,190 --> 00:53:02,710 whilst others covered the evacuation with a stream of heavy machine-gun fire. 960 00:53:08,590 --> 00:53:11,309 It then turned out that in a house near the hospital, 961 00:53:11,349 --> 00:53:15,829 a 24-year-old American nurse called Maggie Frankot was stranded. 962 00:53:15,869 --> 00:53:18,110 Her Jeep was shot to pieces. 963 00:53:18,150 --> 00:53:19,949 The fighting was everywhere. 964 00:53:19,989 --> 00:53:22,148 There were Viet Cong soldiers all around her house. 965 00:53:22,188 --> 00:53:25,068 Some of them were even in it. 966 00:53:26,429 --> 00:53:29,309 Special Forces soldiers brought in by the PBRs 967 00:53:29,349 --> 00:53:31,789 eventually reached Maggie's location. 968 00:53:34,028 --> 00:53:35,748 And after a massive battle, 969 00:53:35,789 --> 00:53:38,748 she was dragged from the house with an injured knee 970 00:53:38,789 --> 00:53:40,788 and carried to one of the waiting boats. 971 00:53:44,188 --> 00:53:48,027 Afterwards, the Special Forces soldier responsible for these heroics, 972 00:53:48,068 --> 00:53:52,748 Sergeant Drew Dix, was honoured with a Presidential Citation. 973 00:53:57,507 --> 00:53:59,788 But the captain of the PBR 974 00:53:59,827 --> 00:54:03,106 that sped her away from the town and to safety, 975 00:54:03,146 --> 00:54:06,666 a man called Lieutenant William H Buddy O'Brien, 976 00:54:06,706 --> 00:54:09,706 did even better because, a year later... 977 00:54:10,987 --> 00:54:12,347 she married him. 978 00:54:18,186 --> 00:54:20,186 I should call this thing The Love Boat. 979 00:54:24,826 --> 00:54:27,545 As it was getting late, I decided to pull over 980 00:54:27,585 --> 00:54:29,425 and use my improvised kitchen 981 00:54:29,465 --> 00:54:33,905 to produce something I'd learned on a recent holiday. 982 00:54:33,945 --> 00:54:35,945 - I came to Vietnam, as you know... - Yes. 983 00:54:35,985 --> 00:54:37,826 And in the mornings, I learnt Vietnamese, 984 00:54:37,865 --> 00:54:40,146 and then in the afternoons, I did a cookery course 985 00:54:40,186 --> 00:54:41,585 on how to make Pho. 986 00:54:42,945 --> 00:54:45,585 I mean, a lot of people think I'm just this big, 987 00:54:45,625 --> 00:54:47,625 blundering idiot that can't wire a plug. 988 00:54:47,664 --> 00:54:50,184 - That's the fella I'm thinking about. - Absolutely right, I am. 989 00:54:50,224 --> 00:54:53,105 - Do you like onions? - Yeah. 990 00:54:53,144 --> 00:54:56,304 Now, this is good-quality beef. 991 00:54:56,344 --> 00:54:58,625 I'm tempted to cook it a bit on the ladle. 992 00:55:00,224 --> 00:55:03,905 In Pho, there are 124 different herbs and spices. 993 00:55:03,945 --> 00:55:06,824 Erm... the... the car element 994 00:55:06,864 --> 00:55:11,264 of our car show is less prominent at the moment. 995 00:55:11,304 --> 00:55:14,063 Because we're on a boat talking about cooking. 996 00:55:14,103 --> 00:55:15,943 - But in a minute... - Yes? 997 00:55:15,983 --> 00:55:18,704 Or a second, they'll cut back to James 998 00:55:18,744 --> 00:55:20,824 who will be talking about some mechanical thing. 999 00:55:20,864 --> 00:55:22,264 You're right. 1000 00:55:22,304 --> 00:55:25,304 Oh, listen to that interesting beat. 1001 00:55:27,143 --> 00:55:30,583 My engine goes in and out of phase with the engine on the camera boat. 1002 00:55:30,623 --> 00:55:32,182 Can you hear it? 1003 00:55:32,222 --> 00:55:34,382 If I change the revs by a tiny amount... 1004 00:55:38,262 --> 00:55:39,943 Whir, whir, whir... 1005 00:55:41,583 --> 00:55:43,583 - Right, we are good to go. - Thank you. 1006 00:55:46,663 --> 00:55:47,981 Oh, I say! 1007 00:55:48,021 --> 00:55:49,501 This is not half bad. 1008 00:55:49,541 --> 00:55:51,422 Seriously? Or are you just being nice to me? 1009 00:55:51,461 --> 00:55:53,222 No, it is... It is genuinely very good. 1010 00:55:55,061 --> 00:55:58,021 Look at that view. 1011 00:55:58,061 --> 00:56:00,822 Mm. 1012 00:56:00,862 --> 00:56:02,461 After we'd had our fill, 1013 00:56:02,501 --> 00:56:04,302 it was time to clear up. 1014 00:56:04,342 --> 00:56:06,782 - That's really hot! - Yeah, it is hot. 1015 00:56:06,822 --> 00:56:08,222 - Yeah. - Let go. 1016 00:56:08,260 --> 00:56:10,661 Observe the genius that I am. 1017 00:56:12,900 --> 00:56:14,541 We're not polluting the river, by the way. 1018 00:56:14,581 --> 00:56:16,157 That all adds to the nutrients, doesn't it? 1019 00:56:16,181 --> 00:56:17,956 - That's biodegradable. -That is not polluting the river. 1020 00:56:17,981 --> 00:56:19,876 Anyone who writes in and says you're polluting the river, 1021 00:56:19,900 --> 00:56:22,621 - I shall write back and go, "No, we're just not." -"You're an arse!" 1022 00:56:23,981 --> 00:56:25,541 There they are, I think. 1023 00:56:26,820 --> 00:56:28,340 Yes. 1024 00:56:28,380 --> 00:56:30,780 May, is that you coming out of the gloom? 1025 00:56:30,820 --> 00:56:33,139 Yes, it is. Ahoy. 1026 00:56:33,179 --> 00:56:34,980 Perfect timing, mate, we're leaving. 1027 00:56:35,019 --> 00:56:36,699 We've gotta go find the Mekong. 1028 00:56:36,739 --> 00:56:38,900 Hang on, I thought we were having a Pho? 1029 00:56:38,940 --> 00:56:40,940 We did have one. It was brilliant. 1030 00:56:40,980 --> 00:56:43,300 Yeah, sorry, I tried to save you some 1031 00:56:43,340 --> 00:56:45,340 but Richard threw it in the river, 1032 00:56:45,380 --> 00:56:48,260 literally threw your portion in the river. 1033 00:56:48,300 --> 00:56:51,219 Well, thanks very much after my very arduous day. 1034 00:56:53,739 --> 00:56:56,699 Sadly, his day was about to get even more arduous 1035 00:56:56,739 --> 00:56:59,619 because we had to re-find the Mekong, 1036 00:56:59,659 --> 00:57:02,739 and I was the only one equipped for night running. 1037 00:57:06,579 --> 00:57:08,219 My situation update. 1038 00:57:08,259 --> 00:57:10,418 I am steering by my head torch 1039 00:57:10,458 --> 00:57:12,777 strapped to the flagpole thing on the front. 1040 00:57:15,577 --> 00:57:17,498 Oh, shit. Oh, shit. 1041 00:57:19,617 --> 00:57:21,777 Why do I always end up with no headlights? 1042 00:57:21,818 --> 00:57:24,418 Every bloody trip. 1043 00:57:24,458 --> 00:57:26,938 And to make things worse... 1044 00:57:26,978 --> 00:57:28,978 Gentlemen, I have a poorly engine. 1045 00:57:29,018 --> 00:57:31,018 It's overheating badly. 1046 00:57:31,057 --> 00:57:33,056 It's starting to backfire and cough. 1047 00:57:33,097 --> 00:57:34,936 The reason you're having all these problems 1048 00:57:34,976 --> 00:57:37,137 is because you've changed the name of your boat. 1049 00:57:37,177 --> 00:57:41,416 Yes, well, I didn't change it, did I? 1050 00:57:41,456 --> 00:57:44,817 As I was the only one with sat nav and a proper light, 1051 00:57:44,856 --> 00:57:46,856 it was up to me to navigate. 1052 00:57:49,097 --> 00:57:51,976 And I just saw a little passageway. Hang on. 1053 00:57:53,536 --> 00:57:55,536 There is, there is a passageway. 1054 00:57:55,576 --> 00:57:57,775 Follow me. 1055 00:57:57,815 --> 00:57:59,416 I know this looks dodgy 1056 00:57:59,456 --> 00:58:01,175 but this is the way back to the Mekong. 1057 00:58:01,215 --> 00:58:02,695 Ooh. 1058 00:58:02,735 --> 00:58:05,135 However, as soon as I made the turn, 1059 00:58:05,175 --> 00:58:07,536 I realised I had a problem. 1060 00:58:10,576 --> 00:58:12,576 Not more weeds. Please God, no. 1061 00:58:16,534 --> 00:58:19,135 Any minute now, I'm under the boat, 1062 00:58:19,175 --> 00:58:22,014 picking bits of lettuce out of my jets. 1063 00:58:24,815 --> 00:58:27,894 And, sure enough, 100 yards later... 1064 00:58:36,534 --> 00:58:38,534 That's me dead. I have no drive. 1065 00:58:41,094 --> 00:58:44,773 I solved this by paying a local to clear the intakes. 1066 00:58:46,974 --> 00:58:50,733 And then I soldiered on with him and our translator for company. 1067 00:58:50,773 --> 00:58:54,173 This was useful because it meant I could clear up something 1068 00:58:54,213 --> 00:58:56,373 that had been puzzling me. 1069 00:58:56,414 --> 00:58:58,413 Could you answer this for me? 1070 00:58:58,452 --> 00:59:00,452 - My boat is called... - Du Ma. 1071 00:59:02,532 --> 00:59:05,452 And everybody laughs when I go, "Du Ma." 1072 00:59:06,693 --> 00:59:08,893 Everybody laughs for a reason. 1073 00:59:08,932 --> 00:59:10,932 But it means "Boat Machine." 1074 00:59:12,253 --> 00:59:14,052 Boat Machine? 1075 00:59:14,092 --> 00:59:16,092 Du: boat. Ma: machine. 1076 00:59:17,333 --> 00:59:20,211 So, why is that funny? 1077 00:59:20,251 --> 00:59:22,652 It's a similar pronunciation to 1078 00:59:22,692 --> 00:59:25,172 "f♪♪♪ your mother" in Vietnamese. 1079 00:59:25,211 --> 00:59:27,572 - What? - Mmm. 1080 00:59:27,612 --> 00:59:29,572 - Yes. - You're joking? 1081 00:59:29,612 --> 00:59:31,211 Oh, right. 1082 00:59:31,251 --> 00:59:33,972 I'm losing drive. I'm losing drive. 1083 00:59:34,012 --> 00:59:35,972 Oh, shit. 1084 00:59:36,012 --> 00:59:38,012 I'm in a tree. Big problem. 1085 00:59:39,931 --> 00:59:42,650 As it was late and Hammond's boat was poorly, 1086 00:59:42,690 --> 00:59:46,170 and I was in a tree, we decided to make camp. 1087 00:59:50,090 --> 00:59:53,050 And we woke the next morning in a blanket of drizzle 1088 00:59:53,090 --> 00:59:55,530 with no idea where we were. 1089 00:59:57,210 --> 01:00:00,170 It's all gone a bit English-boating-holiday, hasn't it? 1090 01:00:00,210 --> 01:00:01,489 Yeah. 1091 01:00:01,530 --> 01:00:03,809 Why did he turn off the Mekong, anyway? 1092 01:00:03,849 --> 01:00:08,570 He wanted to stop off and make a history programme or something. 1093 01:00:08,610 --> 01:00:11,650 No, listen, he did a cooking show last night as well. You missed that. 1094 01:00:11,690 --> 01:00:14,690 My pho was so light and beautiful... 1095 01:00:14,730 --> 01:00:16,769 Oh, this man's going to see me! 1096 01:00:16,809 --> 01:00:19,369 They're gonna be scarred for life. 1097 01:00:20,409 --> 01:00:22,289 Morning. 1098 01:00:23,329 --> 01:00:26,409 If he falls in and follows his own turd... 1099 01:00:26,449 --> 01:00:29,849 - Trousers. - ..into the lavatory bowl... 1100 01:00:29,889 --> 01:00:32,048 and emerges with it stuck to his head... 1101 01:00:32,088 --> 01:00:36,088 Someone would say, "There's a particularly massive turd in the river this morning." 1102 01:00:36,128 --> 01:00:39,329 With the morning ablutions complete, 1103 01:00:39,369 --> 01:00:41,168 it was time to move on. 1104 01:00:43,728 --> 01:00:46,407 And, since it was Jeremy who'd got us lost, 1105 01:00:46,447 --> 01:00:50,288 we decided it was up to him to get us un-lost. 1106 01:00:50,327 --> 01:00:52,487 You're in charge of charts. Lead the way. 1107 01:00:52,527 --> 01:00:55,168 We shall reacquire the Mekong very soon. 1108 01:00:55,208 --> 01:00:58,288 Yeah, I hope so. For your sake, really. 1109 01:01:00,847 --> 01:01:03,447 I admit we are entirely lost 1110 01:01:03,487 --> 01:01:06,487 and none of these canals are marked on the map. 1111 01:01:08,847 --> 01:01:10,927 Ooh. 1112 01:01:12,847 --> 01:01:16,286 A few miles later, while still not on the Mekong, 1113 01:01:16,327 --> 01:01:18,646 we came across a floating market... 1114 01:01:21,086 --> 01:01:24,126 and decided to buy some breakfast. 1115 01:01:25,847 --> 01:01:28,206 It's not really a supermarket, is it? 1116 01:01:28,246 --> 01:01:30,005 Where do I... What do I do? 1117 01:01:30,045 --> 01:01:32,485 You drive in there, pull up alongside a boat 1118 01:01:32,525 --> 01:01:35,686 where you like the look of the produce, and then buy it. 1119 01:01:37,206 --> 01:01:40,166 For Richard and James, this turned out to be easy. 1120 01:01:40,206 --> 01:01:42,166 - Thank you. - Thank you. 1121 01:01:42,206 --> 01:01:46,206 But for me, in the unruly PBR... 1122 01:01:46,246 --> 01:01:47,644 Oh, my God! 1123 01:01:47,684 --> 01:01:49,605 Hell! 1124 01:01:49,644 --> 01:01:51,965 I can't steer it. 1125 01:01:52,005 --> 01:01:53,885 Oh, my giddy aunt. 1126 01:01:53,925 --> 01:01:56,364 Sorry. Sorry. 1127 01:01:56,405 --> 01:01:59,125 I'm just... I'm gonna have... Oh, no, no, no, no. 1128 01:01:59,164 --> 01:02:02,244 Hammond, I've smashed your window. 1129 01:02:02,284 --> 01:02:04,125 Yeah, I can see that. 1130 01:02:04,164 --> 01:02:05,605 Yeah. 1131 01:02:05,644 --> 01:02:07,724 - Stop beeping! - Hello, hello. 1132 01:02:07,764 --> 01:02:09,603 Hello. What's that? 1133 01:02:09,643 --> 01:02:12,764 - Yes. - 50 cents. OK. 1134 01:02:12,804 --> 01:02:16,923 - OK. OK. -I've bought... What are they? 1135 01:02:16,963 --> 01:02:19,284 Move the...! 1136 01:02:19,324 --> 01:02:20,804 Ooh. Sorry. 1137 01:02:20,844 --> 01:02:22,963 I'll go over here. I meant... 1138 01:02:23,003 --> 01:02:24,724 Don't... 1139 01:02:24,764 --> 01:02:26,923 Don't spin around again. Oh, no! 1140 01:02:26,963 --> 01:02:28,844 Sorry. 1141 01:02:28,884 --> 01:02:31,523 Tomatoes. Excellent. And an onion. 1142 01:02:31,563 --> 01:02:34,563 Thank you. No idea what that is. 1143 01:02:34,603 --> 01:02:37,123 Wait a minute. This is looking good. 1144 01:02:37,163 --> 01:02:39,682 I think, for once... Oh, no, no, no, no, no. 1145 01:02:39,722 --> 01:02:41,202 It's gone wrong. 1146 01:02:41,242 --> 01:02:43,402 Oh, God. Sorry. I'm gonna break his rudder. 1147 01:02:43,443 --> 01:02:46,643 Oh... Yeah. 1148 01:02:46,682 --> 01:02:48,722 I eventually left empty-handed. 1149 01:02:48,762 --> 01:02:51,601 But, as James prepared his breakfast... 1150 01:02:51,641 --> 01:02:53,362 Ahh! 1151 01:02:54,402 --> 01:02:56,681 We found the Mekong. 1152 01:02:56,722 --> 01:02:59,762 Sadly, however, it didn't end our problems. 1153 01:02:59,802 --> 01:03:03,641 If we followed this particular bit of the Mekong, or this one, 1154 01:03:03,681 --> 01:03:05,161 or any of the others, 1155 01:03:05,202 --> 01:03:06,842 we'd end up in the sea, 1156 01:03:06,882 --> 01:03:08,601 and avoiding any form of sea 1157 01:03:08,641 --> 01:03:11,081 in our riverboats was critical. 1158 01:03:11,121 --> 01:03:15,561 So, we had to find another path through the delta. 1159 01:03:15,601 --> 01:03:17,760 This meant turning off the Mekong again 1160 01:03:17,800 --> 01:03:21,800 and onto another canal, which made Hammond very angry. 1161 01:03:21,840 --> 01:03:23,760 Oh, this looks weird! 1162 01:03:23,800 --> 01:03:25,601 We're on another bloody canal! 1163 01:03:26,641 --> 01:03:28,641 Oh, for God's sake. 1164 01:03:28,681 --> 01:03:31,561 Hammond, if I still had 50 cals on the front of this, 1165 01:03:31,601 --> 01:03:34,400 I promise I would open up on you right now. 1166 01:03:34,440 --> 01:03:36,416 Yes, well, you haven't. And there's a reason for that. 1167 01:03:36,440 --> 01:03:39,295 Because you'd probably lose them the same way you lost the massive river. 1168 01:03:39,320 --> 01:03:41,239 You'd lose your massive machine gun. 1169 01:03:42,320 --> 01:03:45,360 It cannot be this way. 1170 01:03:50,000 --> 01:03:52,800 I was convinced we were going in the right direction 1171 01:03:52,840 --> 01:03:55,199 and for the right reasons. 1172 01:03:55,239 --> 01:03:59,878 But, still, none of these canals appeared on my sat-nav system. 1173 01:04:09,358 --> 01:04:13,958 OK. So, we're going south. We're going the wrong way. 1174 01:04:13,998 --> 01:04:16,157 If I do a left and a right... 1175 01:04:16,197 --> 01:04:18,038 we'll wiggle about and I'll be fine. 1176 01:04:26,757 --> 01:04:28,398 I think there's a left turn here. 1177 01:04:28,438 --> 01:04:32,277 If we take this, I think that'll help us find the correct Mekong. 1178 01:04:32,318 --> 01:04:35,117 Or just get us more lost. 1179 01:04:35,157 --> 01:04:38,996 Jeremy Clarkson, would you like to rethink this? This is your chance. 1180 01:04:40,237 --> 01:04:42,436 Calm. 1181 01:04:43,677 --> 01:04:47,396 Eventually, we came to an aquatic T-junction. 1182 01:04:54,916 --> 01:04:57,476 So, which way is it? 1183 01:05:00,036 --> 01:05:02,195 Right, chaps, we're gonna go... 1184 01:05:02,235 --> 01:05:04,755 Take a right, James. 1185 01:05:05,876 --> 01:05:07,635 I followed James, 1186 01:05:07,675 --> 01:05:11,516 which meant Jeremy was directing us from the back. 1187 01:05:11,556 --> 01:05:14,916 So this right turn that you announced with absolute confidence 1188 01:05:14,956 --> 01:05:16,516 is based on what? 1189 01:05:16,556 --> 01:05:18,635 Hope. 1190 01:05:20,474 --> 01:05:21,994 Hammond, when you get through that, 1191 01:05:22,034 --> 01:05:24,275 could you just look back and see if I can? 1192 01:05:24,315 --> 01:05:26,474 - What? - Hammond! Hammond! Hammond! 1193 01:05:26,514 --> 01:05:28,594 Oh, oh, oh, that's not gonna work! 1194 01:05:33,474 --> 01:05:34,954 Ah, that didn't fit. 1195 01:05:34,994 --> 01:05:37,315 - Thanks, Hammond! - Well, I was... I... I... 1196 01:05:37,355 --> 01:05:40,074 I was getting through before I could turn round. 1197 01:05:40,114 --> 01:05:43,434 Do you know what that means, Hammond? The nav's gone. 1198 01:05:43,474 --> 01:05:46,313 Oh, well, it's done us a lot of bloody good so far, hasn't it! 1199 01:05:46,353 --> 01:05:49,434 Oh, we've lost the thing that's got us lost! 1200 01:05:51,434 --> 01:05:54,193 As we continued, the problems started 1201 01:05:54,233 --> 01:05:57,634 to come not from above but from below. 1202 01:06:02,233 --> 01:06:05,072 I think I'm bumping the bottom here occasionally. 1203 01:06:05,112 --> 01:06:07,432 I think I did just now, as well. 1204 01:06:09,713 --> 01:06:11,992 Oh, I am hitting the bottom. 1205 01:06:17,393 --> 01:06:19,672 Oh, wait a minute. 1206 01:06:21,713 --> 01:06:25,431 Hammond, it's a dead end. It's a dead end, for God's sake. 1207 01:06:32,871 --> 01:06:34,871 Sod it, I'm beached. Completely beached. 1208 01:06:34,911 --> 01:06:39,992 You what? -And I can't turn round. Save yourself. 1209 01:06:40,032 --> 01:06:42,271 But it was too late for that. 1210 01:06:42,311 --> 01:06:45,990 Oh, for God's sake. 1211 01:06:46,030 --> 01:06:48,911 I could have turned round, but... 1212 01:06:48,951 --> 01:06:52,351 I'm weeded up. I'm losing drive. 1213 01:06:52,391 --> 01:06:56,431 I'm losing drive. I'm losing drive. 1214 01:06:56,471 --> 01:07:00,231 And you're looking for what? Sympathy? 1215 01:07:00,271 --> 01:07:02,911 Now all three of us were beached. 1216 01:07:05,469 --> 01:07:08,269 Well, this is crap, isn't it! 1217 01:07:08,309 --> 01:07:11,269 OK, chaps, here is the situation. 1218 01:07:11,309 --> 01:07:13,869 Using my intellect and genius, 1219 01:07:13,909 --> 01:07:16,429 I've deduced this is tidal. 1220 01:07:16,469 --> 01:07:18,030 We can see where the tide was, 1221 01:07:18,070 --> 01:07:21,909 so we simply have to wait for it to come back up again. 1222 01:07:21,949 --> 01:07:25,190 - Yeah, but it's going down. - Yes, that's my worry. 1223 01:07:25,230 --> 01:07:29,949 Whatever happens, we are definitely stuck here for a little while. 1224 01:07:32,228 --> 01:07:35,588 It's actually a really nice spot, weirdly. 1225 01:07:35,628 --> 01:07:39,309 Apart from the slowly-exposed bucket of fetid mud. 1226 01:07:42,309 --> 01:07:44,789 - Do you want a tomato? - No. 1227 01:07:44,829 --> 01:07:46,309 - Do you want a potato? - No. 1228 01:07:46,349 --> 01:07:48,547 - Would you like an onion? - No. 1229 01:07:52,148 --> 01:07:55,148 Guys. I've got my iPad. I can watch a movie. 1230 01:07:55,188 --> 01:07:56,987 There's a show on Prime Video here, 1231 01:07:57,027 --> 01:07:58,628 it's called The Grand Tour. 1232 01:07:58,668 --> 01:08:00,748 - I don't like it. - It's rubbish. 1233 01:08:00,788 --> 01:08:04,307 There's this one bloke on it I can't stand. 1234 01:08:06,347 --> 01:08:10,746 What are the locals thinking right now about us? 1235 01:08:10,786 --> 01:08:14,547 "They're making a movie and they've it up completely." 1236 01:08:16,867 --> 01:08:20,867 Another hour passed, and with the water still draining away, 1237 01:08:20,907 --> 01:08:22,667 it went dark. 1238 01:08:28,426 --> 01:08:31,905 Having waited most of the night, in a cloud of mosquitos, 1239 01:08:31,945 --> 01:08:33,985 for the tide to refloat us, 1240 01:08:34,025 --> 01:08:38,105 we retraced our steps and suffered more damage in the process. 1241 01:08:39,506 --> 01:08:41,265 So, the bridge that 1242 01:08:41,305 --> 01:08:43,546 ruined the radar dome on the way in, 1243 01:08:43,586 --> 01:08:46,626 on the way out, knocked off my nav lights, 1244 01:08:46,666 --> 01:08:50,145 my spotlight, and bent my roof here. 1245 01:08:50,185 --> 01:08:52,864 Which means every time I walk past, I hit my head. 1246 01:08:52,904 --> 01:08:56,744 So... I'm gonna tie this on as a reminder 1247 01:08:56,824 --> 01:08:58,545 to not hit my head. 1248 01:09:00,104 --> 01:09:03,305 On the up-side, I had found the correct canal - 1249 01:09:03,345 --> 01:09:07,225 a route that would keep us away from the South China Sea. 1250 01:09:07,265 --> 01:09:11,104 Unfortunately, everyone else had found it too. 1251 01:09:24,463 --> 01:09:26,463 Holy cow! 1252 01:09:26,503 --> 01:09:31,024 This like a motorway for water lorries. 1253 01:09:31,064 --> 01:09:33,622 I have never seen the like. 1254 01:09:33,622 --> 01:09:37,063 And in order to have any steering in the PBR, 1255 01:09:37,103 --> 01:09:39,622 I had to go down the motorway... 1256 01:09:39,662 --> 01:09:41,662 as fast as possible. 1257 01:09:41,703 --> 01:09:44,342 Ride Of The Valkyries 1258 01:09:46,342 --> 01:09:48,222 Jinking to miss the cargo. 1259 01:09:48,262 --> 01:09:49,943 Oh, no, wait. I'm gonna go right. 1260 01:09:49,983 --> 01:09:51,903 Going right. Changed my mind. 1261 01:09:57,582 --> 01:10:00,502 This is a head-on. I'm heading for a head-on. 1262 01:10:03,981 --> 01:10:06,381 Look how loaded that barge is. 1263 01:10:06,421 --> 01:10:09,101 If you saw that anywhere else in the world, you'd say, 1264 01:10:09,141 --> 01:10:11,021 "Oh, my God! That's about to sink!" 1265 01:10:11,061 --> 01:10:13,622 But, no, it's just plodding along. 1266 01:10:15,862 --> 01:10:18,140 What the hell's happened here? 1267 01:10:18,180 --> 01:10:20,621 Holy cow. 1268 01:10:20,661 --> 01:10:24,261 I think what's happened is he's beached the back end of it 1269 01:10:24,301 --> 01:10:26,100 and now he's spun round... 1270 01:10:26,140 --> 01:10:28,619 Oh, this is just hilarious. 1271 01:10:28,621 --> 01:10:31,940 Oh, dear, oh, dear. That's really bad. 1272 01:10:31,980 --> 01:10:34,501 How did he do that? 1273 01:10:34,541 --> 01:10:38,180 Mind you, you'd say that looking at us lot last night. 1274 01:10:38,220 --> 01:10:41,819 Soon, however, this wasn't the only boat in trouble. 1275 01:10:45,140 --> 01:10:48,380 Oh, that smells terrible now and there's a lot of smoke. 1276 01:10:48,420 --> 01:10:51,420 Ohh... 1277 01:10:51,460 --> 01:10:54,500 My right-hand engine is overheating. 1278 01:10:54,539 --> 01:10:56,819 I think, actually, it might be on fire. 1279 01:10:56,859 --> 01:10:59,298 Still, at least it then rained, 1280 01:10:59,338 --> 01:11:02,618 so I didn't have to worry about the fire spreading. 1281 01:11:05,019 --> 01:11:07,738 Oh, God almighty! 1282 01:11:07,819 --> 01:11:09,418 Being a caring soul, 1283 01:11:09,458 --> 01:11:12,099 I decided to go back to see if I could help. 1284 01:11:12,139 --> 01:11:14,618 Switching to wet weather mode. 1285 01:11:14,658 --> 01:11:18,698 And I'll give James a fly-by. I know he enjoys them. 1286 01:11:18,738 --> 01:11:21,257 Here we go. 1287 01:11:23,097 --> 01:11:24,978 Clarkson! 1288 01:11:28,097 --> 01:11:29,578 What's the matter? 1289 01:11:29,618 --> 01:11:33,137 Uh, I've lost drive on both sides, pretty much. 1290 01:11:33,177 --> 01:11:35,858 Oh, actually, I know how to... 1291 01:11:35,898 --> 01:11:38,177 fix a slipping prop shaft. 1292 01:11:38,217 --> 01:11:41,216 - How? -Get the boat out of the water, 1293 01:11:41,256 --> 01:11:43,256 send for new parts from America, 1294 01:11:43,296 --> 01:11:45,936 and then ask a man to fit them. 1295 01:11:45,976 --> 01:11:49,296 With that advice dispensed, I was on my way back. 1296 01:11:55,417 --> 01:11:57,136 Oh, no. 1297 01:11:57,176 --> 01:12:00,296 We're hoping to reach the finish point today. 1298 01:12:00,337 --> 01:12:03,614 We're only 100 kilometres now from Vung Tau. 1299 01:12:03,615 --> 01:12:08,695 But, at this rate, I'm not sure that's gonna happen. 1300 01:12:08,735 --> 01:12:11,735 In order to hold us up as little as possible, 1301 01:12:11,815 --> 01:12:13,975 I attached myself to a camera boat, 1302 01:12:14,015 --> 01:12:16,935 so I could do repairs on the move. 1303 01:12:16,975 --> 01:12:20,376 This one is not firing on all cylinders. That one's not good either. 1304 01:12:20,416 --> 01:12:23,175 I'm gonna change all of the plugs, all of the leads. 1305 01:12:23,215 --> 01:12:25,175 The fuel is filthy around here, 1306 01:12:25,215 --> 01:12:28,215 so I'm gonna change the fuel filters. 1307 01:12:28,255 --> 01:12:30,375 I'm gonna clean the air filters. 1308 01:12:30,414 --> 01:12:32,574 There is a leak coming through the exhaust stack 1309 01:12:32,614 --> 01:12:34,255 at the back, with a blown hose. 1310 01:12:34,295 --> 01:12:36,574 I've got to change that or I'll sink. 1311 01:12:36,614 --> 01:12:37,734 To work! 1312 01:12:39,295 --> 01:12:40,895 Leaving Richard to try and mend 1313 01:12:40,935 --> 01:12:43,295 his burning colander... 1314 01:12:45,413 --> 01:12:48,814 I finally sailed clear of the rain. 1315 01:12:48,854 --> 01:12:50,734 Oh, no! 1316 01:12:52,613 --> 01:12:55,814 My expensive Bell & Ross is all fogged up. 1317 01:12:55,854 --> 01:12:57,694 That's going back. 1318 01:13:00,094 --> 01:13:02,814 Even further ahead, I'd left the canal 1319 01:13:02,854 --> 01:13:06,132 and was entering one of the delta's giant estuaries. 1320 01:13:11,372 --> 01:13:13,092 This one's a long way from home, 1321 01:13:13,132 --> 01:13:16,493 taking a lot of Vietnamese training shoes to Panama. 1322 01:13:21,813 --> 01:13:23,853 Power is good. Temperature's good. 1323 01:13:23,893 --> 01:13:29,612 Fuel is very... Ooh, Christ, fuel is very low. Oh, dear. 1324 01:13:29,652 --> 01:13:32,051 But, actually, that was OK 1325 01:13:32,091 --> 01:13:34,971 because in busy, industrious Vietnam 1326 01:13:35,011 --> 01:13:38,811 you can summon a Deliveroo-style refuelling boat. 1327 01:13:38,851 --> 01:13:41,332 I'm heading at 120 degrees. 1328 01:13:41,372 --> 01:13:43,572 OK, I'll keep my eye open. 1329 01:13:45,572 --> 01:13:48,609 And, sure enough, half an hour later... 1330 01:13:48,610 --> 01:13:51,530 Oh, here he is. 1331 01:13:51,570 --> 01:13:53,810 You see, this is service, 1332 01:13:53,850 --> 01:13:57,411 from this environmentally-friendly boat that's arrived. 1333 01:14:00,011 --> 01:14:03,131 I've been joined by the Rainbow Warrior. 1334 01:14:03,171 --> 01:14:06,291 Actually creating a lake of soot. 1335 01:14:10,250 --> 01:14:13,170 Once I'd refuelled, I sailed into what is - 1336 01:14:13,210 --> 01:14:15,210 for my boat at least... 1337 01:14:17,409 --> 01:14:19,409 home. 1338 01:14:22,050 --> 01:14:26,729 Today, this particular area is known as the National Biosphere. 1339 01:14:28,329 --> 01:14:31,088 This is one of the most fertile places on Earth. 1340 01:14:31,128 --> 01:14:32,929 Anything grows here. 1341 01:14:32,969 --> 01:14:34,529 You could plant Richard Hammond 1342 01:14:34,569 --> 01:14:36,969 and in the morning he'd be three feet taller. 1343 01:14:37,009 --> 01:14:40,088 But the Americans used to call it something different. 1344 01:14:40,128 --> 01:14:44,448 They called it The Forest of the Assassins. 1345 01:14:46,208 --> 01:14:48,689 And it was the job of the PBR boys 1346 01:14:48,729 --> 01:14:51,608 to root those assassins out. 1347 01:14:52,688 --> 01:14:54,328 That was no easy task 1348 01:14:54,368 --> 01:14:58,247 'cause we're talking about 500 square miles of forest, 1349 01:14:58,287 --> 01:15:02,847 criss-crossed by 3,000 miles of rivers and creeks. 1350 01:15:04,087 --> 01:15:05,648 It was the perfect place 1351 01:15:05,688 --> 01:15:08,728 for the Viet Cong to wage guerrilla warfare... 1352 01:15:11,927 --> 01:15:16,127 against America's little unarmoured war boats. 1353 01:15:16,167 --> 01:15:20,207 Initially, the crews were trained in America by the army, 1354 01:15:20,247 --> 01:15:23,046 and then they were trained by the navy, 1355 01:15:23,087 --> 01:15:27,167 and then they were told to just come out here and get on with it. 1356 01:15:30,046 --> 01:15:34,286 They literally put four teenagers, as often as not, 1357 01:15:34,326 --> 01:15:39,605 on an armed speedboat and sent them out here to do fighting. 1358 01:15:41,086 --> 01:15:42,805 Armaments? 1359 01:15:42,845 --> 01:15:46,286 Well, all of the boats had twin 50 cals upfront... 1360 01:15:48,086 --> 01:15:51,845 and a single 50 at the back. 1361 01:15:51,886 --> 01:15:55,444 But, beyond that, the captain could fit what he wanted. 1362 01:15:55,484 --> 01:15:58,685 Some went for 40-millimetre grenade launchers. 1363 01:15:58,725 --> 01:16:01,045 Some had 60-millimetre mortars. 1364 01:16:01,085 --> 01:16:03,284 Some had rocket launchers. 1365 01:16:03,324 --> 01:16:06,204 Some carried Claymore mines to leave on the banks. 1366 01:16:06,244 --> 01:16:11,484 And it was the same free-for-all when it came to air support. 1367 01:16:11,524 --> 01:16:16,684 Some PBR captains called in fast jets when they were attacked. 1368 01:16:16,724 --> 01:16:20,604 And some preferred to work in tandem with helicopter gunships. 1369 01:16:25,083 --> 01:16:28,724 Some guys, however, liked to handle the fight on their own. 1370 01:16:28,804 --> 01:16:31,203 There was one guy called James E Williams. 1371 01:16:31,243 --> 01:16:33,363 He came round a corner. His route was blocked 1372 01:16:33,404 --> 01:16:36,283 by eight enemy boats all firing at him. 1373 01:16:36,323 --> 01:16:39,882 So, he ordered his front machine-gunner to fire back, 1374 01:16:39,922 --> 01:16:42,002 and then engaged full speed 1375 01:16:42,042 --> 01:16:44,483 and rammed into the enemy boats. 1376 01:16:44,523 --> 01:16:48,162 Then he turned round, engaged full speed again, 1377 01:16:48,203 --> 01:16:52,243 and rammed into the ones that hadn't been turned into matchwood 1378 01:16:52,283 --> 01:16:54,363 on his first pass. 1379 01:16:54,403 --> 01:16:57,483 He got the Congressional Medal of Honor for that one. 1380 01:16:57,523 --> 01:17:00,600 And I'm not surprised. 1381 01:17:00,601 --> 01:17:03,202 Of course, you'd imagine that a plastic boat 1382 01:17:03,242 --> 01:17:07,962 would be easy pickings for a sniper hiding in the undergrowth. 1383 01:17:09,521 --> 01:17:13,721 But that's not so, as I shall now demonstrate. 1384 01:17:19,202 --> 01:17:22,881 PBR captains would always drive very fast, 1385 01:17:22,921 --> 01:17:27,041 so they had steering, and very close to the bank. 1386 01:17:27,081 --> 01:17:29,280 If it was the bank where the sniper was hiding... 1387 01:17:29,320 --> 01:17:33,921 I mean, if you're in there, you've got no chance. 1388 01:17:33,961 --> 01:17:38,560 All you have to do is keep the hammer down and keep close to a bank. 1389 01:17:39,961 --> 01:17:41,960 Then you're a sniper's nightmare. 1390 01:17:42,000 --> 01:17:44,319 Oh, shit. 1391 01:17:54,239 --> 01:17:58,359 Right, what I've just done is - there's no other word - I've crashed. 1392 01:18:06,918 --> 01:18:09,198 How have you done that? 1393 01:18:09,238 --> 01:18:12,597 OK, what happened was I came round this corner here, 1394 01:18:12,599 --> 01:18:15,118 there were some school children swimming, 1395 01:18:15,158 --> 01:18:17,878 and a shark was homing in for an attack. 1396 01:18:17,918 --> 01:18:21,958 So, I ran the shark down, and then got stuck in my own wake. 1397 01:18:21,998 --> 01:18:23,917 And it's just... Well, I've crashed now. 1398 01:18:23,957 --> 01:18:26,717 But the school children are all fine. 1399 01:18:28,078 --> 01:18:30,398 At first, a camera crew tried to pull me off, 1400 01:18:30,438 --> 01:18:33,597 but the PBR was too heavy. 1401 01:18:35,597 --> 01:18:37,877 Now what are you gonna do? 1402 01:18:37,917 --> 01:18:39,917 Well, that's a good question. 1403 01:18:39,957 --> 01:18:44,158 We were all stumped. 1404 01:18:44,198 --> 01:18:48,877 And that's because we hadn't reckoned on the ingenuity of the locals, 1405 01:18:48,917 --> 01:18:52,197 who decided to pull the boat from the front. 1406 01:18:56,516 --> 01:19:00,596 Right, um... Ooh, it's moving. Is it? 1407 01:19:02,997 --> 01:19:05,237 It's actually... Uh, we're moving. 1408 01:19:05,277 --> 01:19:07,836 I'm moving. I am moving. 1409 01:19:07,876 --> 01:19:10,676 I am absolutely staggered. 1410 01:19:12,155 --> 01:19:14,395 Look at this! This is a four-ton boat. 1411 01:19:18,115 --> 01:19:20,115 Yes! 1412 01:19:20,155 --> 01:19:22,315 You are a genius! 1413 01:19:22,355 --> 01:19:25,155 I must admit, that was a fantastic effort. 1414 01:19:25,195 --> 01:19:27,034 I didn't think that was gonna shift. 1415 01:19:27,074 --> 01:19:30,034 You know, people always say, "How did the Vietnamese beat 1416 01:19:30,074 --> 01:19:32,194 the French, the Chinese, and the Americans?" 1417 01:19:32,234 --> 01:19:35,114 I think we've just seen an example of it. 1418 01:19:36,595 --> 01:19:38,795 And, many miles back, on the porn set, 1419 01:19:38,835 --> 01:19:40,994 there was more good news. 1420 01:19:42,515 --> 01:19:44,954 There it is! I'm back in the running! 1421 01:19:44,994 --> 01:19:48,194 Both engines running on eight cylinders and running well. 1422 01:19:48,234 --> 01:19:51,913 Plus, I'm no longer on fire or sinking. 1423 01:19:54,354 --> 01:19:56,594 All of us were running well, in fact. 1424 01:19:56,634 --> 01:19:59,113 The finish line was in striking distance 1425 01:19:59,154 --> 01:20:01,793 and even though our weird collection of boats 1426 01:20:01,833 --> 01:20:06,554 had been captained by two terrible sailors and a hopeless navigator, 1427 01:20:06,594 --> 01:20:11,552 they had, nevertheless, survived this epic adventure. 1428 01:20:13,512 --> 01:20:15,512 Oh-oh! 1429 01:20:15,552 --> 01:20:17,672 It's really windy! 1430 01:20:17,712 --> 01:20:19,712 Ooh-ooh! 1431 01:20:27,353 --> 01:20:28,393 No? 1432 01:20:30,033 --> 01:20:32,072 Come on! Come on! Come on! 1433 01:20:32,112 --> 01:20:34,872 - No, I won't have this! - Yeah! 1434 01:20:36,792 --> 01:20:38,591 Oh, God. 1435 01:20:40,952 --> 01:20:43,072 Here we go into the reeds. 1436 01:20:45,551 --> 01:20:48,152 Sleeping... elephant. 1437 01:20:50,192 --> 01:20:52,070 Oh, my God. 1438 01:20:52,110 --> 01:20:53,270 Sorry. 1439 01:20:54,671 --> 01:20:56,190 Oh, cock. 1440 01:21:00,470 --> 01:21:01,831 Hammond! Hammond! Hammond! 1441 01:21:03,671 --> 01:21:05,110 Ah, that didn't fit. 1442 01:21:05,150 --> 01:21:07,430 Oh, we've lost the thing that's got us lost. 1443 01:21:09,791 --> 01:21:11,871 Well, this is crap, isn't it? 1444 01:21:22,430 --> 01:21:24,229 Oh, shit! 1445 01:21:35,149 --> 01:21:37,189 20 miles to go. 1446 01:21:38,509 --> 01:21:41,109 What can possibly go wrong? 1447 01:21:41,149 --> 01:21:44,588 As it turned out, just about everything. 1448 01:21:51,229 --> 01:21:54,429 This time, the rain was the heaviest we'd seen. 1449 01:21:56,028 --> 01:21:58,868 Oh, shit. Oh, shit. 1450 01:21:58,908 --> 01:22:00,828 This is grim. 1451 01:22:02,547 --> 01:22:04,707 Hell, I can't see a thing. 1452 01:22:08,587 --> 01:22:11,467 Soon, we were completely lost. 1453 01:22:17,386 --> 01:22:20,546 Have I overtaken you? Have you seen me go by? 1454 01:22:20,587 --> 01:22:23,827 I can't see a thing and I can't steer. 1455 01:22:26,546 --> 01:22:28,667 When the rain did eventually clear, 1456 01:22:28,707 --> 01:22:32,466 we realised we had emerged into the one thing 1457 01:22:32,506 --> 01:22:35,346 I'd been trying so desperately to avoid. 1458 01:22:36,907 --> 01:22:39,345 OK, well, now, what we've done... 1459 01:22:39,386 --> 01:22:41,426 what I'm doing here... 1460 01:22:42,586 --> 01:22:44,225 That's the sea. 1461 01:22:46,546 --> 01:22:50,105 30 miles of open ocean lay between us 1462 01:22:50,145 --> 01:22:52,586 and the finishing line at Vung Tau. 1463 01:22:56,985 --> 01:22:59,545 But, as the water didn't look too rough... 1464 01:23:01,824 --> 01:23:06,225 we decided to put on some life jackets and go for it. 1465 01:23:07,385 --> 01:23:09,225 I've been thinking. Jeremy? 1466 01:23:09,265 --> 01:23:11,625 The sea is in some ways a lawless place, 1467 01:23:11,664 --> 01:23:13,583 but in others there is a strict code, isn't there? 1468 01:23:13,585 --> 01:23:17,064 You stick together through thick and thin, face perils as one. 1469 01:23:17,104 --> 01:23:18,864 Yeah. Thing is, though, 1470 01:23:18,904 --> 01:23:21,144 to operate efficiently as a team, 1471 01:23:21,184 --> 01:23:24,583 each team member has to be at their optimum. 1472 01:23:24,623 --> 01:23:28,184 At this speed, I'm not at my best. I have no steering. 1473 01:23:28,224 --> 01:23:30,024 And so... 1474 01:23:30,064 --> 01:23:32,583 Three, two, one... Go. 1475 01:23:43,262 --> 01:23:44,342 Funny. 1476 01:23:45,703 --> 01:23:47,182 As it turned out, 1477 01:23:47,222 --> 01:23:49,943 that would be the last funny moment of the day. 1478 01:23:52,262 --> 01:23:54,063 Oh, my God! 1479 01:23:55,063 --> 01:23:57,662 Argh, fuck! 1480 01:23:57,703 --> 01:24:01,302 I'll try standing up, see if that helps. With bent knee. 1481 01:24:01,342 --> 01:24:04,502 Oh, no! Oh, God. 1482 01:24:09,221 --> 01:24:12,181 God above, this is just awful. 1483 01:24:13,421 --> 01:24:15,582 Oh! 1484 01:24:19,221 --> 01:24:20,862 I'm gonna throw up at this rate, 1485 01:24:20,902 --> 01:24:22,438 not because of sea sickness but because of 1486 01:24:22,462 --> 01:24:24,621 the amount of salt water in my mouth. 1487 01:24:37,381 --> 01:24:38,780 No! 1488 01:24:53,180 --> 01:24:56,579 This is a lot worse than I thought it was going to be. 1489 01:24:58,460 --> 01:25:00,380 It wasn't just the rough seas. 1490 01:25:02,859 --> 01:25:06,259 We also had to weave our way through the shipping lanes. 1491 01:25:07,338 --> 01:25:09,019 There's a large tanker dead ahead. 1492 01:25:09,059 --> 01:25:11,179 Trawler off to my right. 1493 01:25:12,259 --> 01:25:13,939 Sheez. 1494 01:25:13,979 --> 01:25:18,099 I've managed to miss that massive container ship. That's something. 1495 01:25:22,338 --> 01:25:25,259 $3.5 trillion worth of trade 1496 01:25:25,298 --> 01:25:27,618 comes through these waters every year. 1497 01:25:27,658 --> 01:25:30,417 God knows how it isn't all smashed to pieces 1498 01:25:30,457 --> 01:25:32,177 when it gets to its destination. 1499 01:25:37,377 --> 01:25:40,217 Jesus Christ. 1500 01:25:40,257 --> 01:25:43,618 If one big wave goes in there, I'm gonna get very nose-heavy. 1501 01:25:43,658 --> 01:25:46,938 And I cannot realistically get up there to put it back. 1502 01:25:49,377 --> 01:25:53,457 Meanwhile, I'd finally managed to put my roof up... 1503 01:25:53,497 --> 01:25:56,497 Oh, yes. There's a chance. There's a chance. 1504 01:25:56,537 --> 01:25:58,976 Which was time well spent. 1505 01:26:01,016 --> 01:26:03,136 Holy shit! 1506 01:26:06,296 --> 01:26:08,497 Ohh, bollocks. 1507 01:26:14,975 --> 01:26:18,775 Stop... doing... that! 1508 01:26:18,815 --> 01:26:22,576 The good news is, Hammond, it can't be worse than this. 1509 01:26:27,576 --> 01:26:29,655 But it did get worse. 1510 01:26:39,414 --> 01:26:42,375 Ohh! Nora. 1511 01:26:45,694 --> 01:26:48,414 Sheez. This is stupid. 1512 01:26:50,095 --> 01:26:52,134 It's gonna snap. 1513 01:27:03,173 --> 01:27:05,934 I just pissed myself standing up where I was. 1514 01:27:05,974 --> 01:27:08,573 Anything else is not an option. 1515 01:27:09,854 --> 01:27:13,372 Oh! Freezing and wet. 1516 01:27:18,972 --> 01:27:21,853 This is getting sketchy. 1517 01:27:21,893 --> 01:27:25,653 I'm not sure we can do this. 1518 01:27:25,693 --> 01:27:29,092 Certainly, one of our camera boats was in very big trouble. 1519 01:27:30,653 --> 01:27:33,493 Bloody hell. We're taking in too much water. 1520 01:27:33,533 --> 01:27:35,171 I don't know if it's dangerous. 1521 01:27:35,212 --> 01:27:38,252 We'll never get there at this rate. 1522 01:27:38,292 --> 01:27:42,091 And James had completely lost control of his antique. 1523 01:27:42,131 --> 01:27:45,091 Oh! No, no, no, no, no! Oh, no! 1524 01:28:07,091 --> 01:28:09,051 Oh, sake! 1525 01:28:10,131 --> 01:28:11,530 No! 1526 01:28:12,810 --> 01:28:15,371 Argh. 1527 01:28:15,411 --> 01:28:19,210 After 15 miles, the sea started to calm a little 1528 01:28:19,250 --> 01:28:22,170 and I decided to increase speed. 1529 01:28:23,770 --> 01:28:26,609 Come on, you brave little soldier. 1530 01:28:26,649 --> 01:28:28,689 Come on, bite. Bite, bite, bite. 1531 01:28:28,729 --> 01:28:30,329 Bite. 1532 01:28:33,170 --> 01:28:35,649 I can't stand much more of this. 1533 01:28:35,689 --> 01:28:37,409 It's only a few miles! 1534 01:28:41,088 --> 01:28:43,889 Come on. I'm running in fast now. I want this over. 1535 01:28:46,048 --> 01:28:47,889 Argh! 1536 01:28:47,929 --> 01:28:51,448 The top three worst things I've ever done. 1537 01:28:51,488 --> 01:28:54,569 Mercifully, the finish line, Vung Tau harbour, 1538 01:28:54,609 --> 01:28:56,248 then hoved into view. 1539 01:29:02,328 --> 01:29:04,368 Come on. It can't be more than a mile. 1540 01:29:08,847 --> 01:29:10,328 Well, that's brilliant. 1541 01:29:10,368 --> 01:29:13,648 These last couple of hours have damn nearly killed me. 1542 01:29:13,688 --> 01:29:15,608 They probably have James and Richard. 1543 01:29:15,648 --> 01:29:17,224 I can't raise either of them on the radio. 1544 01:29:17,247 --> 01:29:19,007 I don't know where they are. 1545 01:29:20,328 --> 01:29:23,247 I reached the jetty very much alone. 1546 01:29:24,766 --> 01:29:26,567 Sorry, there's no film crews with me. 1547 01:29:26,606 --> 01:29:29,127 Um, I don't know where they are either. 1548 01:29:29,167 --> 01:29:32,367 But Richard Hammond is arriving. 1549 01:29:32,407 --> 01:29:34,127 He's made it. 1550 01:29:42,405 --> 01:29:44,445 Normally we'd celebrate the end of a journey, 1551 01:29:44,485 --> 01:29:47,326 but I'm not celebrating that. Beyond brutal. 1552 01:29:47,365 --> 01:29:49,926 Yeah, that was the hardest thing I've ever done. 1553 01:29:49,966 --> 01:29:53,765 Easily the hardest thing I've ever done. The most dangerous. 1554 01:29:53,805 --> 01:29:57,086 After a film crew arrived, we disembarked. 1555 01:29:58,886 --> 01:30:01,445 Have you really not heard from James at all? 1556 01:30:01,485 --> 01:30:03,564 No, nothing. 1557 01:30:05,685 --> 01:30:09,244 But then, the Rover 90 hoved into view. 1558 01:30:11,085 --> 01:30:14,564 It could be coming with nobody on it, like the Marie Celeste. 1559 01:30:14,604 --> 01:30:16,244 Well, I did wo... No, he is there. 1560 01:30:16,284 --> 01:30:18,484 Look, there's a very bedraggled dog at the helm. 1561 01:30:18,524 --> 01:30:19,885 Yeah. 1562 01:30:19,925 --> 01:30:21,404 Right. 1563 01:30:21,444 --> 01:30:23,564 We've been very worried about you. 1564 01:30:23,604 --> 01:30:26,363 Have you? I was very worried about me. But thank you. 1565 01:30:26,404 --> 01:30:28,604 Jeez. 1566 01:30:31,444 --> 01:30:34,564 I'm absolutely staggered it's still there. 1567 01:30:34,604 --> 01:30:36,804 - But we have survived. - Yeah. 1568 01:30:38,323 --> 01:30:40,963 And on that terrible disappointment... 1569 01:30:41,003 --> 01:30:44,363 for Top Gear... 1570 01:30:44,404 --> 01:30:46,962 it's time to say goodbye. We'll be back. 1571 01:30:47,002 --> 01:30:49,042 - See you very soon. - See you soon.