1 00:00:11,885 --> 00:00:12,846 I'm Anderson Cooper, 2 00:00:12,887 --> 00:00:14,888 and this country is the once-popular jock 3 00:00:14,930 --> 00:00:17,182 now selling tires behind an abandoned Pizza Hut. 4 00:00:17,225 --> 00:00:19,893 Bob Woodward has done it again, breaking the explosive story 5 00:00:19,936 --> 00:00:22,480 that President Trump knew in early February 6 00:00:22,521 --> 00:00:24,190 about the dangers of coronavirus. 7 00:00:24,231 --> 00:00:25,734 Woodward's super-secret source 8 00:00:25,774 --> 00:00:28,318 was 18 extended interviews with the President himself. 9 00:00:28,361 --> 00:00:30,530 Let's listen. 10 00:00:42,750 --> 00:00:45,003 Trump hit the trail to defend himself. 11 00:00:45,045 --> 00:00:46,463 It's so nice to be here 12 00:00:46,503 --> 00:00:49,381 in the one part of America that's not on fire. 13 00:00:49,423 --> 00:00:51,341 Everything's going great, folks! 14 00:00:51,384 --> 00:00:54,679 Don't believe anything you see, hear, or feel deep inside. 15 00:00:54,720 --> 00:00:57,723 Forget about these Michael Cohen and Bob Woodward books. 16 00:00:57,765 --> 00:00:59,392 I'll give you the CliffNotes. 17 00:00:59,433 --> 00:01:01,561 I wanted to be president again more than I wanted 18 00:01:01,603 --> 00:01:03,729 to stop this deadly pandemic. 19 00:01:03,771 --> 00:01:06,649 Wow. You people will cheer for anything! 20 00:01:06,691 --> 00:01:09,694 Get this -- I knew how bad coronavirus would be 21 00:01:09,736 --> 00:01:11,570 and then lied about it 'cause I don't give a shit 22 00:01:11,612 --> 00:01:14,573 about anyone not named Trump! 23 00:01:14,615 --> 00:01:17,117 Geez. I probably won't be voting for that guy. 24 00:01:17,159 --> 00:01:20,120 Anyway, I was gonna kick this off with my law-and-order spiel, 25 00:01:20,162 --> 00:01:22,790 but for some reason, people aren't buying my message 26 00:01:22,831 --> 00:01:26,460 of "I alone can clean up the shit I took on your deck." 27 00:01:26,503 --> 00:01:27,795 But mark my words. 28 00:01:27,837 --> 00:01:30,548 If Biden wins, I will not be here 29 00:01:30,590 --> 00:01:33,718 to stop the chaos I am constantly creating! 30 00:01:33,759 --> 00:01:35,260 -I have to admit, 31 00:01:35,302 --> 00:01:38,430 hearing you cheer is the weirdest part of all this. 32 00:01:38,472 --> 00:01:40,015 None of you people have masks. 33 00:01:40,057 --> 00:01:42,602 And I thought the troops died for nothing. 34 00:01:42,644 --> 00:01:44,813 I mean, is it worth saving everyone? 35 00:01:44,853 --> 00:01:46,522 I didn't say soldiers were bad. 36 00:01:46,563 --> 00:01:48,983 I just said they were losers. I love the troops. 37 00:01:49,025 --> 00:01:50,527 That's why I dodged the draft -- 38 00:01:50,567 --> 00:01:53,780 to give the troops more space to shiver in foxholes! 39 00:01:53,822 --> 00:01:55,573 I'm so glad I don't have to 40 00:01:55,615 --> 00:01:58,951 go on Tapper tomorrow and mop up this shit geyser. 41 00:01:58,992 --> 00:02:00,411 I'm using your tax dollars 42 00:02:00,453 --> 00:02:03,164 to defend myself against rape accusations. 43 00:02:03,206 --> 00:02:05,582 Do we love it?! We love it! 44 00:02:07,793 --> 00:02:10,546 Still a good chance white women will fuck this one up again. 45 00:02:10,587 --> 00:02:13,299 Okay. Bye-bye forever, nobodies! 46 00:02:13,341 --> 00:02:16,635 Dakota was the name of a girl Jeff Epstein introduced me to. 47 00:02:16,677 --> 00:02:18,138 Ooh, forget I said that. 48 00:02:18,179 --> 00:02:20,056 -Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! 49 00:02:20,098 --> 00:02:22,349 I'm done looking these piggies in the snout. 50 00:02:22,391 --> 00:02:23,852 Speed-round time. 51 00:02:23,893 --> 00:02:24,811 Drain the swamp! 52 00:02:24,853 --> 00:02:26,228 They're coming for the suburbs! 53 00:02:26,271 --> 00:02:27,646 QAnon is real! 54 00:02:27,688 --> 00:02:30,233 Empty your airplane toilet on us! 55 00:02:30,275 --> 00:02:32,110 Life with COVID is surreal, but watching crowds 56 00:02:32,151 --> 00:02:33,902 cheer the man who brought this hell upon us 57 00:02:33,944 --> 00:02:36,239 makes me feel like I'm floating through space. 58 00:02:36,281 --> 00:02:37,615 Your thoughts, Vice President Biden? 59 00:02:37,656 --> 00:02:39,616 Wowee! I might win this thing! 60 00:02:39,658 --> 00:02:41,326 This guy's eating shit harder 61 00:02:41,368 --> 00:02:43,579 than me in sexual-harassment training! 62 00:02:43,621 --> 00:02:45,622 Any system that produces these two candidates 63 00:02:45,664 --> 00:02:46,915 is clearly broken. 64 00:02:49,293 --> 00:02:52,045 Virus? What virus? 65 00:02:55,550 --> 00:02:57,759 February 2020, 66 00:02:57,801 --> 00:02:59,929 when I was a warrior king. 67 00:02:59,971 --> 00:03:03,140 The mighty Dow Jones was a phoenix rising 68 00:03:03,182 --> 00:03:05,727 from the ashes of the Obama-pocalypse, 69 00:03:05,768 --> 00:03:07,812 my Herculean impeachment battle 70 00:03:07,854 --> 00:03:10,689 completely overshadowed Black History Month, 71 00:03:10,731 --> 00:03:13,193 I reigned victorious at the White House 72 00:03:13,234 --> 00:03:16,195 "Cute as Cupid" Valentine's Day Beauty Pageant, 73 00:03:16,236 --> 00:03:19,908 and I was a god to my only child who matters. 74 00:03:19,949 --> 00:03:22,159 Then I must have opened an umbrella indoors 75 00:03:22,201 --> 00:03:24,829 because stuff went sideways quick. 76 00:03:24,871 --> 00:03:25,954 But don't worry! 77 00:03:25,997 --> 00:03:29,542 My unhinged cult will never abandon me! 78 00:03:29,584 --> 00:03:32,461 Come on out. Don't be shy. 79 00:03:32,502 --> 00:03:35,340 I know. I get shy around me, too. 80 00:03:35,381 --> 00:03:38,218 The Obama-topia. That was pretty good, huh? 81 00:03:38,259 --> 00:03:41,721 My approval rating spiked if I took a lick of rocky road, 82 00:03:41,763 --> 00:03:43,264 when I called for a drone strike, 83 00:03:43,305 --> 00:03:45,224 it was done before I could even say where, 84 00:03:45,265 --> 00:03:47,393 and I inspired the total confidence 85 00:03:47,435 --> 00:03:50,103 of the only woman who matters -- Jill Biden. 86 00:03:50,146 --> 00:03:52,105 Now I mostly just hang out in my basement, 87 00:03:52,147 --> 00:03:53,566 taking leaks in the drain. 88 00:03:53,608 --> 00:03:54,984 Anyway, vote Biden! 89 00:03:55,026 --> 00:03:56,569 - It's the police! 90 00:03:56,610 --> 00:03:59,739 We received 90,000 calls for a wellness check. 91 00:03:59,781 --> 00:04:01,699 Hiya, Gary! You got the wrong house again! 92 00:04:01,741 --> 00:04:03,242 Yeah, sure. See you tomorrow. 93 00:04:03,283 --> 00:04:06,996 And just so you know, it's legal to relieve myself in my drain! 94 00:04:07,038 --> 00:04:08,288 I checked! 95 00:04:08,330 --> 00:04:11,376 Ah, I wonder whatever happened to that Barack Obama. 96 00:04:11,417 --> 00:04:15,087 Probably licensing his name to frozen food. That's my dream. 97 00:04:15,128 --> 00:04:17,882 Your dream is becoming president, remember? 98 00:04:17,923 --> 00:04:20,425 "President Biden's Frozen Flapjacks." 99 00:04:20,468 --> 00:04:22,220 I like the sound of that! 100 00:04:26,516 --> 00:04:28,685 -Dad. We were there. -We saw it. 101 00:04:28,725 --> 00:04:30,687 I told you to shove snapping turtles 102 00:04:30,728 --> 00:04:32,605 in every mailbox so no one can vote. 103 00:04:32,646 --> 00:04:34,899 We didn't have time because we were at your speech. 104 00:04:34,941 --> 00:04:36,776 I was in the back, seeing if my balls 105 00:04:36,817 --> 00:04:38,110 could fit in the cup holders. 106 00:04:38,151 --> 00:04:40,571 And I was helping him with a shoehorn! 107 00:04:40,612 --> 00:04:41,947 The place was empty, Dad! 108 00:04:41,990 --> 00:04:43,740 Get your ass together on this COVID thing, 109 00:04:43,783 --> 00:04:45,158 or you're gonna lose the election. 110 00:04:45,201 --> 00:04:46,952 COVID was my first genocide, Don. 111 00:04:46,995 --> 00:04:48,829 We're all entitled to one mistake. 112 00:04:48,870 --> 00:04:50,290 Whatever. Come on, Eric. 113 00:04:50,331 --> 00:04:53,125 I think I saw an unlocked car with a sticky cupholder. 114 00:04:53,167 --> 00:04:54,584 Sick! 115 00:04:54,627 --> 00:04:57,422 You know there's a bathroom upstairs, right? 116 00:04:57,463 --> 00:04:58,965 Might as well be on Everest! 117 00:04:59,007 --> 00:05:01,050 I'm not going to mince words, sweetie -- 118 00:05:01,091 --> 00:05:03,761 you're going to lose this race if you stay in the basement. 119 00:05:03,802 --> 00:05:05,430 But my campaign's doing great. 120 00:05:05,471 --> 00:05:07,139 I'm showing I'd be a fine president 121 00:05:07,180 --> 00:05:09,684 if the White House magically became a big basement. 122 00:05:09,725 --> 00:05:12,894 Joe, you used to be everyone's racially clumsy 123 00:05:12,937 --> 00:05:14,605 but well-meaning uncle. 124 00:05:14,646 --> 00:05:16,940 This is how people know you now. 125 00:05:19,110 --> 00:05:22,237 Hey, hey! That guy's funny! Blap-blap, blap-blap-blap! 126 00:05:22,279 --> 00:05:24,449 The first time you ran for president and lost, 127 00:05:24,490 --> 00:05:26,033 I kept my lips zipped. 128 00:05:26,074 --> 00:05:28,161 The second time, I bit my tongue so hard, 129 00:05:28,201 --> 00:05:29,495 I got a staph infection. 130 00:05:29,536 --> 00:05:31,581 Ah, geez, folks! I'm trying! 131 00:05:31,622 --> 00:05:34,375 And now when people ask if you're stuck in the basement 132 00:05:34,417 --> 00:05:36,711 because your ass fused to the couch cushions, 133 00:05:36,752 --> 00:05:39,672 I grit my teeth so hard I've cracked three molars! 134 00:05:39,713 --> 00:05:41,466 You should get a pair of horse teeth. 135 00:05:41,507 --> 00:05:42,841 They never let me down. 136 00:05:42,884 --> 00:05:45,052 Just get out of the basement and show everyone 137 00:05:45,093 --> 00:05:47,012 the Joe Biden they know and love, 138 00:05:47,055 --> 00:05:49,139 or I'm sealing up that drain. 139 00:05:49,182 --> 00:05:52,476 Alright. I'm gonna go do a 35-mile jog. 140 00:05:52,518 --> 00:05:54,019 Sorry I couldn't make the rally. 141 00:05:54,062 --> 00:05:56,355 Jar-head and I just liquidated our assets 142 00:05:56,396 --> 00:05:59,858 and bought the cutest unsellable monstrosity in Washington. 143 00:05:59,901 --> 00:06:02,153 I'm not sure now's a great time to buy... 144 00:06:02,194 --> 00:06:04,154 666 Thorny Cock Way. 145 00:06:04,197 --> 00:06:06,365 But there's plenty of bankrupting properties 146 00:06:06,406 --> 00:06:07,783 in New York. Stop it, Daddy. 147 00:06:07,824 --> 00:06:09,786 You are so going to win this election. 148 00:06:09,826 --> 00:06:11,661 By the way, what's this rumor that you're responsible 149 00:06:11,704 --> 00:06:13,622 for hundreds of thousands of deaths? 150 00:06:13,663 --> 00:06:16,000 -Wow. Slow news day, huh? -Whatever. 151 00:06:16,042 --> 00:06:18,211 As long as it doesn't affect your reelection chances 152 00:06:18,252 --> 00:06:20,504 in the slightest, I'll always love you. 153 00:06:21,963 --> 00:06:23,716 I want to assure Americans 154 00:06:23,757 --> 00:06:25,134 worried about this pandemic 155 00:06:25,175 --> 00:06:26,886 that I have heard your concerns... 156 00:06:26,927 --> 00:06:29,889 and smelled your FedExed boxes of feces. 157 00:06:29,930 --> 00:06:31,723 From the moment this virus threatened 158 00:06:31,766 --> 00:06:33,600 our great reelection of me, 159 00:06:33,643 --> 00:06:35,685 I have done everything in my power 160 00:06:35,728 --> 00:06:37,814 during commercials of Judge Jeanine. 161 00:06:37,855 --> 00:06:39,774 Please spend your hard-earned credibility 162 00:06:39,816 --> 00:06:41,358 backing that up, Dr. Birx. 163 00:06:41,401 --> 00:06:43,069 The President is correct. 164 00:06:43,110 --> 00:06:45,404 The fact that she doesn't actually believe it 165 00:06:45,446 --> 00:06:47,031 makes it that much sweeter. 166 00:06:47,072 --> 00:06:49,033 As for Dr. Fauci, he'd love to be here, 167 00:06:49,074 --> 00:06:50,909 but he's on vacation inside a snake pit. 168 00:06:50,951 --> 00:06:52,036 I'll take one question. 169 00:06:52,077 --> 00:06:53,663 -Mr. President! -Come on! 170 00:06:53,704 --> 00:06:56,415 -Ahh...NBC, CNN... -This is madness! 171 00:06:56,456 --> 00:06:58,000 Uh, let's go with OAN. 172 00:06:58,042 --> 00:06:59,668 President Trump, obviously, 173 00:06:59,709 --> 00:07:01,754 you are the greatest president in history... 174 00:07:01,795 --> 00:07:03,172 She said it! Not me! 175 00:07:03,213 --> 00:07:05,382 ...but are you concerned that your reelection chances 176 00:07:05,425 --> 00:07:07,802 will be affected by the country smelling of death? 177 00:07:07,843 --> 00:07:09,928 Whoa! What the hell, OAN?! 178 00:07:09,971 --> 00:07:11,264 Sorry. I live by a morgue, 179 00:07:11,305 --> 00:07:13,473 so this whole thing affects me personally, 180 00:07:13,516 --> 00:07:14,934 and therefore I now care about it. 181 00:07:14,975 --> 00:07:17,812 Not OAN! Why, God?! 182 00:07:17,853 --> 00:07:21,189 Who will regurgitate my bullshit?! 183 00:07:22,817 --> 00:07:26,571 Don't roll your eyes. Don't do it. 184 00:07:26,612 --> 00:07:28,156 Damn it, Debbie. Now you're a meme. 185 00:07:28,197 --> 00:07:31,242 You're gonna leave the basement?! 186 00:07:31,283 --> 00:07:32,617 Do you have a death wish?! 187 00:07:32,659 --> 00:07:34,077 This election's a layup. 188 00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:35,704 Trump's faults are so obvious, 189 00:07:35,745 --> 00:07:37,581 you don't even have to point them out. 190 00:07:37,622 --> 00:07:39,625 We rarely do. It's beneath us. 191 00:07:39,667 --> 00:07:41,502 But I'm glitchy, and Jill said I need 192 00:07:41,543 --> 00:07:44,629 to get out of the basement, or she'll close up my pee drain. 193 00:07:44,672 --> 00:07:46,007 Joe, stop. 194 00:07:46,048 --> 00:07:48,800 Obviously we can't keep you locked in your basement. 195 00:07:48,843 --> 00:07:50,927 The cops are asking questions. 196 00:07:50,970 --> 00:07:54,973 I think we can do this. You have so much going for you. 197 00:07:55,016 --> 00:07:56,266 Oh, boy! 198 00:07:56,308 --> 00:07:59,519 You're the legendary Joe Biden. People love you! 199 00:07:59,562 --> 00:08:01,605 You were Obama's vice president! 200 00:08:01,646 --> 00:08:03,608 And that's just for starters. 201 00:08:03,649 --> 00:08:05,942 You also, uh, uhh... 202 00:08:05,985 --> 00:08:08,321 Not that. Definitely not that. 203 00:08:08,362 --> 00:08:09,906 Holy Lord, not that. 204 00:08:09,947 --> 00:08:13,158 Uh, y-you're the Obama guy! -Obama! 205 00:08:13,201 --> 00:08:15,870 But you're gonna need that best friend of yours. 206 00:08:15,911 --> 00:08:17,163 Strom Thurmond's dead. 207 00:08:17,204 --> 00:08:19,247 Well, I guess we can try to Frankenstein him, 208 00:08:19,290 --> 00:08:21,167 but the forecast doesn't call for lightning. 209 00:08:21,209 --> 00:08:24,461 -No. Obama. -Oh, yeah. H-He's cool, too. 210 00:08:26,797 --> 00:08:28,757 I took a break from packing up my office 211 00:08:28,798 --> 00:08:30,175 because I heard you were sad 212 00:08:30,218 --> 00:08:32,345 and I thought that would be funny to see. 213 00:08:32,385 --> 00:08:33,763 It's no use, Kellyanne. 214 00:08:33,803 --> 00:08:36,182 This pandemic has destroyed countless lives 215 00:08:36,224 --> 00:08:38,518 and, worse, my chance of reelection. 216 00:08:38,558 --> 00:08:39,894 Don't forget the economy. 217 00:08:39,936 --> 00:08:41,354 I had forgotten. Thank you. 218 00:08:41,394 --> 00:08:43,940 You gotta stop talking about the shared reality 219 00:08:43,980 --> 00:08:45,774 and start talking about the reality 220 00:08:45,816 --> 00:08:47,192 you want people to believe. 221 00:08:47,235 --> 00:08:49,028 You know how I say I'm late to work 222 00:08:49,070 --> 00:08:50,779 because I'm investigating staffers 223 00:08:50,821 --> 00:08:52,365 for leaking to my reporter friends? 224 00:08:52,405 --> 00:08:54,783 I can't believe Kudlow leaked what I told you 225 00:08:54,825 --> 00:08:56,244 in those one-on-one meetings. 226 00:08:56,284 --> 00:08:58,037 He didn't. I'm actually late 227 00:08:58,078 --> 00:09:00,038 from having morning hate-sex with my husband. 228 00:09:00,081 --> 00:09:01,874 It stinks. Pee-yew! 229 00:09:01,916 --> 00:09:04,460 I still think Kudlow had something to do with it. 230 00:09:04,501 --> 00:09:05,961 See? 231 00:09:06,003 --> 00:09:09,798 You wanted to believe my story, and so you did. 232 00:09:09,840 --> 00:09:12,051 Wow! Alright. I'll do it. 233 00:09:12,092 --> 00:09:14,386 I'll convince America that this pandemic 234 00:09:14,427 --> 00:09:15,721 is whatever I say it is 235 00:09:15,763 --> 00:09:17,889 regardless of what it actually is! 236 00:09:17,932 --> 00:09:19,808 I can't believe you have sex with your spouse. 237 00:09:19,850 --> 00:09:21,561 What's that like? 238 00:09:21,601 --> 00:09:24,145 up-tempo music plays 239 00:09:24,187 --> 00:09:26,356 My fellow Americans, 240 00:09:26,399 --> 00:09:29,277 I am vanquishing the dreaded COVID-19, 241 00:09:29,317 --> 00:09:32,196 which began under Obama -- no one talks about that. 242 00:09:32,238 --> 00:09:34,240 Isn't that right, my artery-clogged hype men 243 00:09:34,282 --> 00:09:36,075 Sean Hannity and Rudy Giuliani? 244 00:09:36,116 --> 00:09:39,245 You heard him, corona! Pack your pus and scram! 245 00:09:39,287 --> 00:09:41,913 I would be very scared if I were that soggy little lung bug, 246 00:09:41,956 --> 00:09:43,374 and I ain't scared of nothin'. 247 00:09:43,415 --> 00:09:45,500 I once had a spa day with Lou Dobbs. 248 00:09:45,543 --> 00:09:47,378 You know how small those towels are? 249 00:09:47,419 --> 00:09:48,962 Like a mouse's handkerchief! 250 00:09:49,004 --> 00:09:51,006 And, incidentally, during every bad part 251 00:09:51,048 --> 00:09:53,049 of the last six months, Mike Pence was president. 252 00:09:53,091 --> 00:09:55,052 I accept full responsibility 253 00:09:55,094 --> 00:09:56,886 and the proportionate punishment -- 254 00:09:56,928 --> 00:09:58,514 castration by jackhammer. 255 00:09:58,556 --> 00:10:00,265 But Mike Pence wasn't president. 256 00:10:00,307 --> 00:10:02,434 Damn it! My story's one loophole. 257 00:10:02,475 --> 00:10:04,937 Let's still do that castration thing, though. 258 00:10:04,979 --> 00:10:07,398 Folks! Look at this, huh? 259 00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:09,107 It's me -- Joe Biden! 260 00:10:09,149 --> 00:10:11,735 I'm a legend, just like you remember. 261 00:10:11,777 --> 00:10:13,278 Vice President of America! 262 00:10:13,321 --> 00:10:15,780 Ain't that right, Barack Obama? 263 00:10:15,822 --> 00:10:16,948 I selected him myself. 264 00:10:16,990 --> 00:10:18,451 Actually, I put it to a vote. 265 00:10:18,491 --> 00:10:20,327 Joe beat Tim Kaine five to four. 266 00:10:20,369 --> 00:10:22,245 Well, I'm still the same old Joe, 267 00:10:22,288 --> 00:10:23,956 with a mouthful of porcelain 268 00:10:23,998 --> 00:10:26,583 and a noseful of your aunt's hairspray! 269 00:10:26,625 --> 00:10:29,211 Hey, Barack, this is a big fuckin' deal! 270 00:10:29,253 --> 00:10:31,004 Remember that old classic, folks? 271 00:10:31,047 --> 00:10:32,923 It's my legacy! 272 00:10:32,965 --> 00:10:35,176 Oh, crap! Ice-cream headache! 273 00:10:35,216 --> 00:10:39,013 I'm not supposed to eat foods above or below room temperature! 274 00:10:39,054 --> 00:10:40,639 -Joe, you fucking idiot! -Ohh! 275 00:10:40,681 --> 00:10:42,642 - And now a message 276 00:10:42,682 --> 00:10:44,726 from the President of the United States. 277 00:10:44,769 --> 00:10:47,647 My fellow Americans, after an exhaustive search, 278 00:10:47,687 --> 00:10:51,024 our intelligence apparatus has tracked coronavirus 279 00:10:51,067 --> 00:10:53,152 to the foothills of Afghanistan. 280 00:10:53,193 --> 00:10:56,113 Tonight I authorized a precision airstrike 281 00:10:56,154 --> 00:10:58,198 and have been assured that coronavirus 282 00:10:58,240 --> 00:11:00,326 is gravely wounded and on the run. 283 00:11:00,368 --> 00:11:03,037 Side note -- its virus wife is back on the market. 284 00:11:03,078 --> 00:11:05,163 No one deserves to be lonely, folks. 285 00:11:09,250 --> 00:11:11,586 I'm Wolf Blitzer, and when this is all over, 286 00:11:11,629 --> 00:11:14,465 I will tell my neighborhood crossing guard my true feelings. 287 00:11:14,506 --> 00:11:18,177 Breaking news -- tonight's so-called "precision airstrike" 288 00:11:18,219 --> 00:11:21,096 leveled an art museum, wastewater treatment plant, 289 00:11:21,138 --> 00:11:24,307 and factory that makes N95 masks. 290 00:11:24,350 --> 00:11:26,184 At least it's a good conversation starter 291 00:11:26,226 --> 00:11:27,769 for me and my crossing guard. 292 00:11:27,812 --> 00:11:30,980 What do we do, Barack? That ice-cream headache 293 00:11:31,023 --> 00:11:33,067 just reminded people of basement Biden. 294 00:11:33,109 --> 00:11:34,527 Hey, whatcha got there? 295 00:11:34,567 --> 00:11:37,196 Ah, it's all the greatest moments from your glory years. 296 00:11:37,238 --> 00:11:40,615 I'm just looking for ideas, patterns... 297 00:11:40,658 --> 00:11:42,201 something. 298 00:11:42,243 --> 00:11:43,159 Hmm. 299 00:11:43,201 --> 00:11:44,703 Joe, for our next appearance, 300 00:11:44,745 --> 00:11:47,288 what if you tried taking a step out of the spotlight? 301 00:11:47,331 --> 00:11:49,040 Back to the basement! Great! 302 00:11:49,082 --> 00:11:50,418 I haven't taken a whiz in days. 303 00:11:50,459 --> 00:11:52,378 Uh, you're not going in the basement, Joe. 304 00:11:52,419 --> 00:11:54,254 You're going someplace completely outside 305 00:11:54,296 --> 00:11:55,380 of the public eye. Right. 306 00:11:55,423 --> 00:11:57,508 A true legend leaves room for mystery. 307 00:11:57,549 --> 00:11:59,134 Can I still take a whiz there? 308 00:11:59,176 --> 00:12:01,553 If we put you in a storm drain, you can. 309 00:12:03,722 --> 00:12:05,140 I tried two things, 310 00:12:05,182 --> 00:12:06,558 and the things didn't work. I quit. 311 00:12:06,600 --> 00:12:08,436 Enough with these little lies. 312 00:12:08,476 --> 00:12:10,354 We gotta go with a lie so colossal 313 00:12:10,395 --> 00:12:12,230 that people couldn't imagine we'd lie that big. 314 00:12:12,273 --> 00:12:14,149 Little strategy I learned from a German author. 315 00:12:14,191 --> 00:12:15,692 It was Hitler. 316 00:12:15,735 --> 00:12:17,986 All I know is I spent weeks on the Seth Rich case, 317 00:12:18,028 --> 00:12:19,739 and when it turned out to be nothing, 318 00:12:19,779 --> 00:12:21,448 I just screamed, "Case closed!" 319 00:12:21,490 --> 00:12:24,409 and banged a gavel till they wheeled in a new desk. 320 00:12:24,451 --> 00:12:27,245 Man, I'd have to be a real lunatic to declare victory 321 00:12:27,288 --> 00:12:29,373 and knowingly put people's lives at risk. 322 00:12:29,414 --> 00:12:33,543 Victory! I did it! Yay, me! 323 00:12:33,586 --> 00:12:36,129 Touch your faces to completion, folks, 324 00:12:36,172 --> 00:12:39,091 because this crisis is done-zo! 325 00:12:39,133 --> 00:12:42,845 But don't take it from me. Take it from a doctor! 326 00:12:42,886 --> 00:12:44,846 Coronavirus has been vanquished. 327 00:12:44,889 --> 00:12:48,308 I congratulate President Trump on his historic triumph. 328 00:12:48,350 --> 00:12:50,936 Now, that was pained! Yummy! 329 00:12:50,977 --> 00:12:53,773 I'd love to take all the credit for this victory, so I will. 330 00:12:53,813 --> 00:12:55,982 Trump! Trump! - Trump! Trump! 331 00:12:56,024 --> 00:12:58,193 Yay, Daddy! I can finally have 332 00:12:58,235 --> 00:13:01,989 the Saudi Royal Family over for a bone-saw swap! 333 00:13:05,951 --> 00:13:08,120 Right now, a few blocks up the road, 334 00:13:08,162 --> 00:13:09,580 some folks are declaring 335 00:13:09,621 --> 00:13:12,124 a premature victory over this crisis, 336 00:13:12,166 --> 00:13:14,043 but that's not what leadership looks like. 337 00:13:14,083 --> 00:13:15,919 Joe Biden faces challenges head on. 338 00:13:15,961 --> 00:13:19,173 And he also knows the power of leading inaudibly from behind. 339 00:13:19,215 --> 00:13:20,591 Isn't that right, Joe? 340 00:13:20,633 --> 00:13:23,302 We need a president with his heart in the fight 341 00:13:23,344 --> 00:13:25,513 and his shoes in your piss water! 342 00:13:25,553 --> 00:13:27,431 - Vote Joe! 343 00:13:27,472 --> 00:13:30,183 Say it, or say goodbye to next summer's Aspen Ideas Festival. 344 00:13:30,225 --> 00:13:31,559 Vote Joe! 345 00:13:31,601 --> 00:13:34,480 Or I'll staple your ass to your knee caps! 346 00:13:35,480 --> 00:13:38,274 Wow! That was great, huh? 347 00:13:38,317 --> 00:13:39,860 I got so many thumbs up from guys 348 00:13:39,902 --> 00:13:42,779 with a dozen strands of hair that they grow 18 inches long 349 00:13:42,822 --> 00:13:45,323 and dye the color of a freshly tarred highway! 350 00:13:45,365 --> 00:13:46,991 Yeah, yeah. It was something. 351 00:13:47,033 --> 00:13:48,827 So, good news and bad news. 352 00:13:48,869 --> 00:13:51,330 The good news -- the parade was a massive success, 353 00:13:51,371 --> 00:13:53,164 and your poll numbers spiked higher 354 00:13:53,206 --> 00:13:54,625 than during your impeachment! 355 00:13:54,667 --> 00:13:57,293 Better times. Remind me to send Pelosi a Starbucks card. 356 00:13:57,336 --> 00:13:58,837 What's the bad news? 357 00:13:58,879 --> 00:14:00,798 The parade caused a massive coronavirus outbreak, 358 00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:02,674 and now your poll numbers are in the toilet. 359 00:14:02,716 --> 00:14:05,094 And not just any toilet. My toilet. 360 00:14:05,134 --> 00:14:07,513 Wait a minute. That was actual bad news! 361 00:14:07,554 --> 00:14:09,889 I thought you meant "bad" like "bad dude with attitude." 362 00:14:09,932 --> 00:14:12,518 Hey! Don't forget to send Pelosi that Starbucks card! 363 00:14:12,559 --> 00:14:15,187 Remind him later, bozo! He just said it. 364 00:14:15,229 --> 00:14:18,691 Okay. There are nicer ways to phrase that. 365 00:14:19,692 --> 00:14:21,860 The camera loves you centrists! 366 00:14:21,902 --> 00:14:25,572 Now smile like you just heard a Kennedy wants to primary AOC. 367 00:14:25,614 --> 00:14:26,698 This is fun! 368 00:14:26,740 --> 00:14:29,659 And the best part is I cannot foresee a downside. 369 00:14:29,701 --> 00:14:31,161 You earned it, buddy. 370 00:14:31,202 --> 00:14:32,830 You sure did, Silver Alert. 371 00:14:32,871 --> 00:14:36,040 Once again the best man won! 372 00:14:36,082 --> 00:14:38,210 H-Hey, I'm getting Deputy Chief of Staff 373 00:14:38,251 --> 00:14:41,212 of Veterans Affairs, right? 374 00:14:41,254 --> 00:14:42,548 Uh, chilly out here. 375 00:14:42,590 --> 00:14:44,341 Let's go inside and take some more photographs. 376 00:14:44,383 --> 00:14:46,885 Rats are gnawing on my ankle. Just gimme a sec. 377 00:14:46,927 --> 00:14:48,888 Oh, you should hang back. People are just starting 378 00:14:48,928 --> 00:14:51,014 to believe the legend of Joe Biden again. 379 00:14:51,056 --> 00:14:52,682 The real Joe Biden would only confuse them. 380 00:14:52,725 --> 00:14:55,059 Sure, yeah. I'll just be in the drain. 381 00:14:55,101 --> 00:14:58,272 Let me know if you need a few decades' worth of lost frisbees. 382 00:15:00,524 --> 00:15:03,402 I know many of you are concerned 383 00:15:03,443 --> 00:15:06,572 about the massive coronavirus outbreak at my parade. 384 00:15:06,614 --> 00:15:08,115 There must have been 80,000 people there! 385 00:15:08,157 --> 00:15:09,700 That's a bad thing! 386 00:15:09,741 --> 00:15:12,702 It's time we all stopped worrying about this pandemic. 387 00:15:12,745 --> 00:15:15,788 When you think about it, isn't death actually kind of good? 388 00:15:15,831 --> 00:15:17,041 Uh, yeah, no! 389 00:15:17,081 --> 00:15:19,208 Either way, it's nothing to fear, 390 00:15:19,250 --> 00:15:21,669 because everyone who is dead is not you. 391 00:15:21,711 --> 00:15:25,591 Yeah, but everyone dies eventually, yourself included. 392 00:15:28,134 --> 00:15:31,013 Uh, what's happening right now? 393 00:15:31,054 --> 00:15:33,097 Oh, my God! Is this the first time 394 00:15:33,139 --> 00:15:35,768 you've thought about your own mortality? 395 00:15:35,808 --> 00:15:39,104 Jesus. Uhh... I didn't mean it, buddy. 396 00:15:39,145 --> 00:15:40,773 You're not gonna die. -Oh! 397 00:15:40,813 --> 00:15:45,277 And many people are calling it the biggest parade of all time! 398 00:15:46,070 --> 00:15:47,654 Holy shit, dude. 399 00:15:47,696 --> 00:15:49,615 - Dang you, rat! 400 00:15:49,657 --> 00:15:51,491 Isn't there another presidential candidate 401 00:15:51,533 --> 00:15:53,619 living in the storm drain you can gnaw on? 402 00:15:53,661 --> 00:15:56,080 Hope you're happy, Joe. You're trending on Twitter, 403 00:15:56,120 --> 00:15:57,956 and I just cracked a filling. 404 00:15:57,998 --> 00:15:59,332 "Spiderweb Legend"? 405 00:15:59,375 --> 00:16:01,418 So why don't I feel like a legend? 406 00:16:01,460 --> 00:16:04,379 Because you're two seconds from getting bubonic plague. 407 00:16:04,421 --> 00:16:05,714 Being in the storm drain 408 00:16:05,755 --> 00:16:07,924 is no better than being in the basement. 409 00:16:07,966 --> 00:16:11,010 When I told you to get out there, I meant above ground! 410 00:16:11,052 --> 00:16:12,471 The Democrats won't let me. 411 00:16:12,513 --> 00:16:14,347 They don't want me stepping in shit out there, 412 00:16:14,389 --> 00:16:16,642 so they have me standing in shit down here. 413 00:16:16,683 --> 00:16:19,812 Aren't those the same Einsteins that lost to Donald Trump? 414 00:16:19,852 --> 00:16:22,272 -Not twice! -I've spent the last 40 years 415 00:16:22,313 --> 00:16:24,357 smiling through your missteps, Joe. 416 00:16:24,399 --> 00:16:26,652 If you don't win, it was all for nothing. 417 00:16:26,693 --> 00:16:29,529 And when Dick Durbin's wife asks how my husband 418 00:16:29,571 --> 00:16:31,990 lost to the worst president in history, 419 00:16:32,032 --> 00:16:33,658 I might just frickin' lose it! 420 00:16:33,701 --> 00:16:35,411 I'm on the edge, Joe! 421 00:16:35,451 --> 00:16:37,328 Shit! There goes another molar. 422 00:16:37,370 --> 00:16:40,540 Alright. I'm gonna go squeeze in another 35 miles. 423 00:16:43,626 --> 00:16:46,004 Shut your ass, Ivanka! God! 424 00:16:46,046 --> 00:16:49,008 Did you see your name in alphabet soup and faint?! 425 00:16:49,048 --> 00:16:51,509 -What happened? - I've been struck down 426 00:16:51,552 --> 00:16:55,054 in my prime by the dreaded coronavirus. 427 00:16:55,096 --> 00:16:58,182 Uh, you were outside, and now your skin feels stingy? 428 00:16:58,225 --> 00:16:59,809 It's friggin' sunburn! 429 00:16:59,851 --> 00:17:02,937 Goodbye, beloved IG Live followers. 430 00:17:02,980 --> 00:17:05,691 I'll always cherish the time Kylie Jenner 431 00:17:05,732 --> 00:17:09,028 accidentally tuned in for like one second. 432 00:17:09,068 --> 00:17:10,695 This is all my fault. 433 00:17:10,738 --> 00:17:13,365 Donald Trump is but a mortal man, 434 00:17:13,406 --> 00:17:16,743 defenseless against this all-powerful virus! 435 00:17:16,785 --> 00:17:17,869 It's sunburn! 436 00:17:17,911 --> 00:17:19,663 I believed in you, Daddy. 437 00:17:19,704 --> 00:17:23,500 But now I believe in modern medicine. 438 00:17:23,541 --> 00:17:25,544 Okay, I just felt a cold gust of air 439 00:17:25,586 --> 00:17:27,880 that made me feel 100% better. 440 00:17:27,921 --> 00:17:30,715 But who knows how long that will last! 441 00:17:30,758 --> 00:17:33,384 dramatic chord strikes 442 00:17:33,426 --> 00:17:36,930 twinkling music playing 443 00:17:36,971 --> 00:17:39,057 Holy crap! I'm president! 444 00:17:39,098 --> 00:17:40,808 I have unlimited power! 445 00:17:40,851 --> 00:17:43,479 It's your commander-in-chief. End bussing now! 446 00:17:43,519 --> 00:17:45,897 Hey! What are you doing in my seat? 447 00:17:45,939 --> 00:17:47,775 You didn't win the election. I won it. 448 00:17:47,816 --> 00:17:49,984 What are you talking about? I'm Joe Biden. 449 00:17:50,027 --> 00:17:51,987 But I'm the Legend of Joe Biden, 450 00:17:52,028 --> 00:17:54,364 the guy the people actually voted for. 451 00:17:54,405 --> 00:17:57,284 You're just a glitchy guy in a storm drain. 452 00:17:57,326 --> 00:18:00,412 Hey, check out my new line of frozen food! 453 00:18:00,453 --> 00:18:03,957 Ooh! Those should be my flapjacks! 454 00:18:05,041 --> 00:18:08,961 MY FL-A-A-APJ-A-A-ACKS! 455 00:18:09,003 --> 00:18:10,838 Well, the screeching mob 456 00:18:10,881 --> 00:18:12,924 should be smashing through the windows soon. 457 00:18:12,965 --> 00:18:16,053 I just pray they kill Don first so I get to see it. 458 00:18:16,095 --> 00:18:18,763 That's it! I'm tipping your ass on your ass. 459 00:18:18,806 --> 00:18:22,017 -Don, why are you doing that? 460 00:18:22,058 --> 00:18:24,811 Because this is just like in every Batman 461 00:18:24,853 --> 00:18:27,439 when Batman quits being Batman! 462 00:18:27,480 --> 00:18:29,942 It lasts 20 minutes, and I scream at the projectionist 463 00:18:29,982 --> 00:18:31,943 till it's done 'cause it sucks! 464 00:18:31,984 --> 00:18:35,279 -I'm not Batman, Don. -Yes, the frick you are! 465 00:18:35,322 --> 00:18:37,950 And the citizens of Gotham-America need you, 466 00:18:37,990 --> 00:18:40,160 'cause if they don't believe you're handling shit, 467 00:18:40,201 --> 00:18:41,619 reality sucks. 468 00:18:41,662 --> 00:18:44,580 They need a hero who gives them hope. 469 00:18:44,623 --> 00:18:46,165 -Yeah! -Oh, Eric, how's 470 00:18:46,208 --> 00:18:48,794 the ankle sprain from jumping into the conversation?! 471 00:18:48,836 --> 00:18:50,546 You know I don't have ankles! 472 00:18:50,586 --> 00:18:52,798 But the truth just hurts my reelection chances, 473 00:18:52,839 --> 00:18:55,384 and my lies just make coronavirus worse. 474 00:18:55,424 --> 00:18:57,301 It's kick-ass showdown time! 475 00:18:57,344 --> 00:18:58,470 In front of the country, 476 00:18:58,511 --> 00:19:01,013 you have to actually defeat coronavirus 477 00:19:01,056 --> 00:19:04,518 or, barring that, a guy in a coronavirus costume. 478 00:19:04,559 --> 00:19:06,478 Which is easier -- curing coronavirus 479 00:19:06,519 --> 00:19:08,355 or buying a coronavirus costume? 480 00:19:08,396 --> 00:19:11,525 We're about to find out. 481 00:19:11,567 --> 00:19:13,734 Okay, but can we talk hair-and-makeup budget? 482 00:19:13,777 --> 00:19:15,737 Let's gooooooo! 483 00:19:15,778 --> 00:19:18,781 up-tempo folk music plays 484 00:19:23,452 --> 00:19:27,207 Barack says I'm on top now 485 00:19:27,249 --> 00:19:29,667 But I feel so low 486 00:19:29,710 --> 00:19:31,086 What happened to... 487 00:19:31,127 --> 00:19:32,336 Ow! 488 00:19:32,378 --> 00:19:34,088 ...the glory days of Joe? 489 00:19:34,131 --> 00:19:37,049 C'mon, mouse! Stop bitin' me and sing along! 490 00:19:37,092 --> 00:19:40,636 Ha-daaaiii, daii daii daii 491 00:19:40,679 --> 00:19:41,930 Daii daii 492 00:19:41,971 --> 00:19:43,347 Ow! Hockey puck?! 493 00:19:43,390 --> 00:19:46,058 How are you playing those two sports so close together? 494 00:19:46,101 --> 00:19:48,561 Hello, longtime associate. 495 00:19:48,604 --> 00:19:50,271 I brought you some dry socks. 496 00:19:50,314 --> 00:19:52,441 Thanks. The rats stole my other pair, 497 00:19:52,481 --> 00:19:54,401 and now they use them like sleeping bags. 498 00:19:54,442 --> 00:19:56,028 Well, it's actually pretty cute. 499 00:19:56,068 --> 00:19:59,030 Joe, I was watching Trump's shortsighted victory parade, 500 00:19:59,072 --> 00:20:01,950 and I realized the Democratic Party is doing that with you. 501 00:20:01,991 --> 00:20:04,118 We're declaring victory without putting in the work. 502 00:20:04,161 --> 00:20:07,205 The absence of Joe Biden is not gonna defeat Trump. 503 00:20:07,247 --> 00:20:08,664 The presence of Joe Biden is. 504 00:20:08,707 --> 00:20:10,083 But I'll just mess it up! 505 00:20:10,125 --> 00:20:12,126 I'll probably say, "Unless you vote Democrat, 506 00:20:12,169 --> 00:20:13,628 you're not Filipino." 507 00:20:13,670 --> 00:20:16,423 Trump's responsible for hundreds of thousands of deaths. 508 00:20:16,464 --> 00:20:17,590 You got room for error. 509 00:20:17,633 --> 00:20:19,050 I also voted for the Iraq war. 510 00:20:19,092 --> 00:20:21,053 Maybe you should stay in the drain. 511 00:20:21,094 --> 00:20:22,721 No, no, I-I'm inspired! 512 00:20:22,762 --> 00:20:24,640 Then let's find you a shower. 513 00:20:24,681 --> 00:20:26,599 You know what? I'm gonna stay stinky. 514 00:20:26,642 --> 00:20:29,019 It makes me seem authentic. Folksy, even. 515 00:20:29,060 --> 00:20:31,980 See? You had it in you all along. 516 00:20:34,607 --> 00:20:36,902 thunderous music plays 517 00:20:42,574 --> 00:20:44,409 All I'm saying is Jerry Falwell Jr. 518 00:20:44,451 --> 00:20:46,452 is a cool guy who likes to have fun. 519 00:20:49,038 --> 00:20:51,083 -Testing. Testing. 520 00:20:51,124 --> 00:20:53,125 Sounds kinda tinny. 521 00:21:21,070 --> 00:21:23,490 We go now live to the Washington Monument, 522 00:21:23,531 --> 00:21:25,075 where the President has produced 523 00:21:25,116 --> 00:21:27,160 an elaborate stage play of some kind. 524 00:21:27,201 --> 00:21:28,662 I'm anchoring the big show, 525 00:21:28,703 --> 00:21:30,830 but you ain't getting none of this, crossing guard. 526 00:21:30,872 --> 00:21:33,791 Who am I kidding? I want to be with you forever, girl. 527 00:21:33,834 --> 00:21:35,961 Ladies... 528 00:21:36,002 --> 00:21:38,630 and, more importantly, gentlemen! 529 00:21:38,672 --> 00:21:40,882 You are about to witness 530 00:21:40,923 --> 00:21:44,051 the most jaw-dropping, nail-biting, 531 00:21:44,094 --> 00:21:47,806 balls-out battle royale of all time! 532 00:21:47,847 --> 00:21:51,643 President Trump vs. Coronavirus! 533 00:21:51,684 --> 00:21:53,311 Ivanka, look! 534 00:21:53,353 --> 00:21:54,645 Dad's avenging you! 535 00:21:54,688 --> 00:21:56,690 It's! Friggin'! Sunburn! 536 00:21:59,442 --> 00:22:02,403 This is it, Joe. But you're gonna say something backwards. 537 00:22:02,445 --> 00:22:05,324 But you gotta go out there and make Jill proud! 538 00:22:05,365 --> 00:22:06,741 You can do this, Joe. 539 00:22:06,782 --> 00:22:08,785 Get out of the friggin' storm drain! 540 00:22:08,826 --> 00:22:10,828 Now entering the arena, 541 00:22:10,871 --> 00:22:12,748 President Tr-u-u-u-- - Rudy! 542 00:22:12,788 --> 00:22:14,415 I'm the announcer! - What? 543 00:22:14,458 --> 00:22:16,292 I thought I could put a little mustard on it. 544 00:22:16,335 --> 00:22:18,002 What is with you this week? 545 00:22:18,045 --> 00:22:21,381 Please welcome President Trump! 546 00:22:27,136 --> 00:22:30,848 It is I, Beast-man Trump, "The White Blade," 547 00:22:30,891 --> 00:22:34,685 here to exact righteous revenge upon Coronavirus, 548 00:22:34,728 --> 00:22:37,064 "The Low Class Lightweight." 549 00:22:38,773 --> 00:22:41,817 Time to end this once and for all! 550 00:22:41,859 --> 00:22:44,153 Show yourself, Coronavirus! 551 00:22:44,195 --> 00:22:46,030 Help. Someone. Please. 552 00:22:46,073 --> 00:22:47,699 Yadda yadda. But wait. 553 00:22:47,740 --> 00:22:49,701 That sounds like -- Oh, no! 554 00:22:49,742 --> 00:22:53,372 Coronavirus has captured my one true third wife! 555 00:22:53,413 --> 00:22:55,374 Is that the President of the United States 556 00:22:55,414 --> 00:22:56,708 in a Viking costume? 557 00:22:56,750 --> 00:22:58,417 Hurry up so I can start circling the stuff 558 00:22:58,460 --> 00:23:01,462 you're going to buy me in the Oscar de la Renta collection. 559 00:23:01,505 --> 00:23:02,713 Oh, no! 560 00:23:02,756 --> 00:23:04,548 Coronavirus kidnapped that lady 561 00:23:04,590 --> 00:23:06,968 who reads smutty books in the dumbwaiter! 562 00:23:07,009 --> 00:23:08,678 - Oh, no! 563 00:23:08,720 --> 00:23:10,638 It's the dreaded Coronavirus! 564 00:23:10,680 --> 00:23:13,599 -Any last words, Melania? -I'm good. 565 00:23:13,642 --> 00:23:16,310 Die, you bast-- Wait. Who the hell is that? 566 00:23:16,353 --> 00:23:19,980 Ugh. It's Joe Biden. And he smells absolutely terrible. 567 00:23:20,022 --> 00:23:21,900 Do it, Joe! Beat his ass 568 00:23:21,942 --> 00:23:25,278 and justify our lifetime of political maneuvering! 569 00:23:25,319 --> 00:23:27,239 Stop this malarkey! 570 00:23:27,279 --> 00:23:29,907 The Democrats want me to camp in a storm drain 571 00:23:29,950 --> 00:23:31,867 'cause they think the Legend of Joe Biden 572 00:23:31,910 --> 00:23:34,621 is the guy with the nicest leather jacket at the dance. 573 00:23:34,663 --> 00:23:35,913 But guess what, Jack. 574 00:23:35,955 --> 00:23:38,250 The legendary Joe Biden never existed. 575 00:23:38,290 --> 00:23:40,585 For 50 years, I've been blowing in people's ears 576 00:23:40,626 --> 00:23:43,212 and entertaining dinner parties with ethnic accents. 577 00:23:43,255 --> 00:23:45,423 But that's why everyday folks like me, 578 00:23:45,464 --> 00:23:48,426 even though I was locking a whole mess of 'em up in prison, 579 00:23:48,468 --> 00:23:49,970 voting to send 'em to Iraq -- 580 00:23:50,010 --> 00:23:51,596 Joe! Leave some mystery, okay? 581 00:23:51,637 --> 00:23:54,266 Right! And that's how I'm gonna beat Trump, folks -- 582 00:23:54,307 --> 00:23:58,603 by being the incoherent everyman who kills a lot less people. 583 00:23:58,644 --> 00:24:00,063 Not including Iraqis. 584 00:24:00,105 --> 00:24:02,691 Three times a charm, Joey baby! 585 00:24:02,731 --> 00:24:04,442 Take that, Loretta Durbin! 586 00:24:04,483 --> 00:24:06,987 Look, Joe, we had a whole production worked out, 587 00:24:07,028 --> 00:24:09,655 so either I'm coming at you with this flaming sword, or Pence. 588 00:24:09,698 --> 00:24:10,781 Your call. 589 00:24:10,824 --> 00:24:13,617 Have at him! That's what VPs are for! 590 00:24:15,787 --> 00:24:18,539 Gaaah! 591 00:24:20,000 --> 00:24:22,669 Oh, no. Is this how I meet my maker -- 592 00:24:22,711 --> 00:24:25,797 a bioweapons scientist in Wuhan? 593 00:24:25,838 --> 00:24:28,133 No. It's not! 594 00:24:29,425 --> 00:24:30,969 If I vanquish Coronavirus, 595 00:24:31,010 --> 00:24:33,721 as I've proven tonight that I easily could, 596 00:24:33,762 --> 00:24:35,723 then this exciting battle will be over. 597 00:24:35,765 --> 00:24:37,183 And nobody wants that, 598 00:24:37,224 --> 00:24:39,269 besides nurses, first responders, 599 00:24:39,310 --> 00:24:41,813 and other non-celebrities no one cares about. 600 00:24:41,855 --> 00:24:44,065 No one's looking, Debbie. Treat yourself to an eye-roll. 601 00:24:44,106 --> 00:24:47,693 Ahhhhhh. That feels so good. 602 00:24:47,736 --> 00:24:49,237 Reality is terrifying. 603 00:24:49,278 --> 00:24:51,573 Have you ever thought about your own mortality? 604 00:24:51,615 --> 00:24:52,990 Not great. 605 00:24:53,032 --> 00:24:55,035 So let's choose to believe something cooler, 606 00:24:55,076 --> 00:24:57,996 that I'm the dashing hero with the diamond-cutter abs 607 00:24:58,038 --> 00:25:01,249 and Coronavirus is my eternal, perpetual nemesis 608 00:25:01,290 --> 00:25:05,170 who I'll never stop fighting in a string of diminishing sequels. 609 00:25:05,211 --> 00:25:07,338 Sounds fun, right? We like it? 610 00:25:07,380 --> 00:25:10,090 -Yes! -Yeah! Hooray, warrior Daddy! 611 00:25:10,133 --> 00:25:11,843 Ivanka! You're all better! 612 00:25:11,884 --> 00:25:14,054 It's a miracle! 613 00:25:14,095 --> 00:25:16,056 Is the miracle called aloe vera, 614 00:25:16,096 --> 00:25:19,683 an all-natural gel commonly used to treat sunburn?! 615 00:25:19,726 --> 00:25:23,145 Just to clarify, I'm not just letting Coronavirus go 616 00:25:23,188 --> 00:25:25,105 because I couldn't lift my big sword. 617 00:25:25,147 --> 00:25:28,026 The sword isn't even that heavy. It's like nothing to me. 618 00:25:28,067 --> 00:25:29,318 Bullshit. 619 00:25:29,361 --> 00:25:32,572 Look, I had something made up for you. 620 00:25:32,614 --> 00:25:34,824 It's my dream come true! 621 00:25:34,865 --> 00:25:36,451 Uh-uh-uh. You have to wait 622 00:25:36,492 --> 00:25:38,827 until after you're president to sell them. 623 00:25:38,869 --> 00:25:40,538 It's called the Emoluments Clause. 624 00:25:40,579 --> 00:25:41,914 That stinks! 625 00:25:41,957 --> 00:25:43,875 Why did you show this to me? Do you hate me? 626 00:25:43,916 --> 00:25:45,251 Okay. I'm putting it away. 627 00:25:45,292 --> 00:25:47,836 No, no, no, no. I'll be good. I'll be good. 628 00:25:47,878 --> 00:25:50,382 Hey, I-I got you something, too. 629 00:25:50,423 --> 00:25:52,800 My horse-teeth guy hooked you up real nice. 630 00:25:52,842 --> 00:25:54,552 The election's still a ways away, 631 00:25:54,594 --> 00:25:57,346 so you're gonna need to do a lot more grinnin' and bearin'. 632 00:25:57,388 --> 00:26:01,768 Don't worry, sweetheart. I've got it down to a science. 633 00:26:01,809 --> 00:26:04,938 Daddy, I loved your warrior show! 634 00:26:04,980 --> 00:26:07,856 You really stretched that hair-and-makeup budget. 635 00:26:07,898 --> 00:26:10,527 Coronavirus may still be ravaging the country, 636 00:26:10,568 --> 00:26:14,154 but my daughter respects me, and that's all that matters. 637 00:26:14,196 --> 00:26:15,574 How's the house, honey? 638 00:26:15,615 --> 00:26:19,326 666 Thorny Cock Way? It's got so many issues. 639 00:26:19,368 --> 00:26:22,955 Did you know houses need cement foundations? 640 00:26:22,998 --> 00:26:24,583 How much did this cost again? 641 00:26:24,624 --> 00:26:26,960 How should I know? The Russians gave us the money. 642 00:26:27,001 --> 00:26:29,253 Chip off the ol' block. That's why you're 643 00:26:29,296 --> 00:26:31,463 my only child who matters. -What was that?! 644 00:26:31,506 --> 00:26:33,717 I said Ivanka's my only child who matters. 645 00:26:33,758 --> 00:26:36,260 - You're funny, Dad. - Not joking. 646 00:26:37,721 --> 00:26:40,598 Donald Trump is the president 647 00:26:40,640 --> 00:26:44,269 Donald Trump is the president 648 00:26:44,310 --> 00:26:46,855 Is Donald Trump the president? 649 00:26:46,895 --> 00:26:48,440 Yes, he is 650 00:26:48,480 --> 00:26:51,276 Yes, he is, we elected him president 651 00:26:51,317 --> 00:26:54,028 Is Donald Trump the president? 652 00:26:54,069 --> 00:26:55,654 Yes, he is 653 00:26:55,697 --> 00:26:58,407 We had a vote and elected him president 654 00:26:58,450 --> 00:27:03,913 Donald Trump is the president 655 00:27:05,749 --> 00:27:07,291 Donald Trump 656 00:27:07,334 --> 00:27:10,920 He is our president 657 00:27:10,961 --> 00:27:14,214 We made him president 658 00:27:14,257 --> 00:27:16,468 We did it 659 00:27:16,509 --> 00:27:20,387 Donald Trump is the president 660 00:27:20,430 --> 00:27:23,474 We elected Donald Trump 661 00:27:23,516 --> 00:27:27,144 Donald Trump is the president 662 00:27:27,186 --> 00:27:30,815 Donald Trump is the president 663 00:27:30,856 --> 00:27:34,486 Yeah 664 00:27:34,527 --> 00:27:35,903 Trump!