1 00:00:11,178 --> 00:00:12,595 Welcome to tonight's 2 00:00:12,679 --> 00:00:14,428 Democratic Debate in Las Vegas, Nevada. 3 00:00:14,512 --> 00:00:16,010 Good evening. I'm Lester Holt. 4 00:00:16,094 --> 00:00:18,428 And after a party, you know I'm gonna help clean up. 5 00:00:18,512 --> 00:00:20,135 Thank you, Lester. I'll take it "form" here. 6 00:00:20,219 --> 00:00:21,844 From here, obviously. 7 00:00:21,928 --> 00:00:23,969 First question -- do you all wanna answer a question 8 00:00:24,053 --> 00:00:25,678 or just dogpile Michael Bloomberg? 9 00:00:25,762 --> 00:00:28,303 - Bloomberg! - BLOOOOMBERRRRG!! 10 00:00:28,387 --> 00:00:30,094 Wow. Okay. It looks like we're starting, and I haven't 11 00:00:30,178 --> 00:00:32,136 even said the rules you're going to ignore. 12 00:00:32,219 --> 00:00:35,427 Mike Bloomberg epitomizes the lawless oligarchy 13 00:00:35,512 --> 00:00:37,969 corroding the foundations of our democracy! 14 00:00:39,219 --> 00:00:41,512 Liz Warren's back on the map, baby! 15 00:00:41,594 --> 00:00:43,552 Why do I feel like I'm already off the map? 16 00:00:43,637 --> 00:00:46,094 Hey, Bloomberg! You can't buy this election! 17 00:00:46,177 --> 00:00:47,804 You gotta earn it! Like me! 18 00:00:47,887 --> 00:00:49,804 By keeping your eyes from rollin' out of your head 19 00:00:49,887 --> 00:00:51,719 till November! Hey, I'm not perfect, 20 00:00:51,804 --> 00:00:54,302 but at least I'm not a bloodless corporate shill 21 00:00:54,387 --> 00:00:55,679 posing as a humble mayor! 22 00:00:55,762 --> 00:00:57,177 Hey! Oh, you meant Bloomberg. 23 00:00:57,261 --> 00:00:59,387 Mr. Bloomberg, what do you say to those who point 24 00:00:59,469 --> 00:01:00,719 to your stop-and-frisk policy 25 00:01:00,804 --> 00:01:02,844 as evidence of your racial bias against minorities? 26 00:01:02,929 --> 00:01:05,302 The point of this debate is to make me appear likeable, 27 00:01:05,387 --> 00:01:07,844 not to discuss my undeniably racist past as mayor. 28 00:01:07,929 --> 00:01:10,010 Hey! Oh, you meant Bloomberg again. 29 00:01:10,094 --> 00:01:11,594 You know what? Just let me know when it's my turn. 30 00:01:11,679 --> 00:01:13,512 Since this is my first debate 31 00:01:13,594 --> 00:01:16,135 and my entrance fee was $300 million, 32 00:01:16,219 --> 00:01:18,387 at least give me a chance to introduce myself. 33 00:01:18,469 --> 00:01:19,637 Ahem. 34 00:01:21,010 --> 00:01:23,302 I like the one who did the money! 35 00:01:23,387 --> 00:01:25,094 Listen, Amy. I may not have 36 00:01:25,177 --> 00:01:27,929 foreign-relations experience, per se, but I have ordered 37 00:01:28,010 --> 00:01:30,260 huevos rancheros at brunch 38 00:01:30,344 --> 00:01:31,679 multiple times! 39 00:01:31,762 --> 00:01:33,344 Are you mocking me? 40 00:01:33,427 --> 00:01:36,177 Because the last guy who mocked me was Kirk Douglas! 41 00:01:36,260 --> 00:01:38,679 AND LOOK WHAT HAPPENED! 42 00:01:38,762 --> 00:01:42,344 Okay, I may own three houses, but let me assure you 43 00:01:42,427 --> 00:01:45,052 I do not heat them, and the rugs are unbearably itchy. 44 00:01:45,135 --> 00:01:47,594 And now a message from tonight's sponsor. 45 00:01:47,679 --> 00:01:48,762 Hi. I'm Mike Bloomberg. 46 00:01:48,844 --> 00:01:50,844 -Oh, come on! -Hey, Bloomberg! 47 00:01:50,929 --> 00:01:52,844 The best way to defeat Donald Trump is to vote 48 00:01:52,929 --> 00:01:54,594 for someone nominally different than him 49 00:01:54,679 --> 00:01:56,552 so you can feel better about yourself 50 00:01:56,637 --> 00:01:58,887 while the world stays exactly the same. 51 00:01:58,969 --> 00:01:59,929 Hey! What the -- 52 00:02:00,010 --> 00:02:03,719 Shh. Amy wants to play a little game! 53 00:02:03,804 --> 00:02:06,260 Hey, folks! There's a lady up in the rafters! 54 00:02:06,344 --> 00:02:08,552 Okay, enough folksy adages, Mr. Vice President. 55 00:02:08,637 --> 00:02:09,929 I'm trying unsuccessfully to moderate. 56 00:02:10,010 --> 00:02:12,094 Hey, Pete! How do you say 57 00:02:12,177 --> 00:02:15,135 "do not resuscitate" in Español?! 58 00:02:15,219 --> 00:02:16,887 Huevos rancheros. That's all from Nevada. 59 00:02:17,010 --> 00:02:20,177 Only 48 states to go before the brokered convention. 60 00:02:22,094 --> 00:02:23,804 Hey, folks! Give me a heads-up 61 00:02:23,887 --> 00:02:25,344 if my ears start bleedin', would ya? 62 00:02:29,135 --> 00:02:30,929 ♪ ominous music plays ♪ 63 00:02:31,010 --> 00:02:33,260 That debate was a nightmare. 64 00:02:33,344 --> 00:02:34,929 Gentlemen, I have to be honest. 65 00:02:35,010 --> 00:02:37,177 I'm having second thoughts about buying this election. 66 00:02:37,260 --> 00:02:39,052 Whoa, whoa, whoa! Don't tell me 67 00:02:39,135 --> 00:02:40,844 American hero Michael Friggin' Bloomberg 68 00:02:40,929 --> 00:02:42,302 is throwing in the 10,000 thread count towel! 69 00:02:42,387 --> 00:02:44,594 Us billionaires are counting on you to keep 70 00:02:44,679 --> 00:02:46,719 the lights on in our summer homes 71 00:02:46,804 --> 00:02:49,260 and the lights off in our sensory deprivation tanks! 72 00:02:49,344 --> 00:02:51,052 I'm just not sure I have it in me. 73 00:02:51,135 --> 00:02:53,844 My campaign manager said I might have to shake a hand. 74 00:02:53,929 --> 00:02:55,804 But without you, we can kiss the dream of 75 00:02:55,887 --> 00:02:58,887 liberal, socially conscious oligarchy goodbye! 76 00:02:59,010 --> 00:03:00,637 I need some fresh air. 77 00:03:00,719 --> 00:03:02,427 -Whew! -Yikes. 78 00:03:02,512 --> 00:03:04,260 Anyone here have a good grotto cleaning guy? 79 00:03:04,344 --> 00:03:05,427 Pushed mine off my balcony. 80 00:03:05,512 --> 00:03:07,052 And billionaires... 81 00:03:07,135 --> 00:03:09,637 We need to stop flat wages... 82 00:03:09,719 --> 00:03:12,135 ...and strengthen the middle class! 83 00:03:12,219 --> 00:03:15,844 They're radicalized! Something must be done! 84 00:03:15,929 --> 00:03:18,929 Watch where you're going, billionaire! 85 00:03:19,010 --> 00:03:21,512 ♪ somber music rises ♪ 86 00:03:21,594 --> 00:03:22,969 Hillary! 87 00:03:23,052 --> 00:03:25,344 A billionaire's only hope. 88 00:03:26,260 --> 00:03:28,637 ♪ news theme plays ♪ I'm Jake Tapper, 89 00:03:28,719 --> 00:03:31,135 and I ask people what they got on their SAT 90 00:03:31,219 --> 00:03:33,929 hoping they'll immediately toss the ball my way. 91 00:03:34,010 --> 00:03:35,219 1510. 92 00:03:35,302 --> 00:03:37,594 Donald Trump's back in the news today, 93 00:03:37,679 --> 00:03:39,804 this time for attacking the Kurds. 94 00:03:39,887 --> 00:03:41,010 Here to cover for him, 95 00:03:41,094 --> 00:03:43,094 Kellyanne Conway and Larry Kudlow. 96 00:03:43,177 --> 00:03:44,552 I think Trump's really unraveling. 97 00:03:44,637 --> 00:03:46,512 Shut the fuck up! Hey, Jake! 98 00:03:46,594 --> 00:03:48,679 No one understands the plight of the Kurdish people 99 00:03:48,762 --> 00:03:49,929 like Donald Trump. 100 00:03:50,010 --> 00:03:52,512 Then, how do you respond to this? 101 00:03:52,594 --> 00:03:54,469 I don't know jack shit about the Kurds 102 00:03:54,552 --> 00:03:57,052 except that they're a proud people that the United States 103 00:03:57,135 --> 00:03:59,177 bears a moral responsibility to abandon. 104 00:03:59,260 --> 00:04:02,010 That was taken way out of context. 105 00:04:02,094 --> 00:04:04,135 He'll support the heck outta the Kurds 106 00:04:04,219 --> 00:04:05,844 and their battle to defeat ISIS. 107 00:04:05,929 --> 00:04:07,679 Then, how do you respond to this? 108 00:04:07,762 --> 00:04:09,177 Ah, shi... 109 00:04:09,260 --> 00:04:11,594 I'm not really vibing with the Kurds or ISIS. 110 00:04:11,679 --> 00:04:13,679 I'm kinda hoping Robert Kraft goes over there 111 00:04:13,762 --> 00:04:15,344 and starts his own tribe. 112 00:04:15,427 --> 00:04:17,762 If you can defend that, you must be unhealthily 113 00:04:17,845 --> 00:04:19,427 obsessed with being on television. 114 00:04:19,512 --> 00:04:21,095 Coming up, I interview myself 115 00:04:21,177 --> 00:04:24,136 about the time I serenaded my wife at our wedding. 116 00:04:26,177 --> 00:04:27,552 Hi, Bill. Is Hillary home? 117 00:04:27,637 --> 00:04:29,261 Hillary? She's out in the barn. 118 00:04:29,345 --> 00:04:31,095 I'd take you, but I'm not allowed out of the house. 119 00:04:31,177 --> 00:04:32,552 Peep the shock collar. No problem, I'll head aroun-- 120 00:04:32,637 --> 00:04:35,220 It's because of my storied, criminal history of sexual -- 121 00:04:35,302 --> 00:04:39,387 Bill, the less we know about your deal, the better. 122 00:04:39,470 --> 00:04:41,345 Bill, back in the house! 123 00:04:41,427 --> 00:04:43,095 Hillary, it's Michael Bloomberg! 124 00:04:43,177 --> 00:04:44,095 I spoke at your convention 125 00:04:44,177 --> 00:04:46,177 between Henry Kissinger and Lena Dunham. 126 00:04:46,261 --> 00:04:47,887 Oh! Hi! You can be the first 127 00:04:47,970 --> 00:04:50,387 to try some of my homemade hot sauce, 128 00:04:50,470 --> 00:04:52,220 a non-calculated passion of mine! 129 00:04:52,302 --> 00:04:55,052 Forget the sauce. The billionaires need a voice. 130 00:04:55,136 --> 00:04:56,427 You need to run for president. 131 00:04:56,512 --> 00:04:59,052 I'm much happier spending the rest of my life 132 00:04:59,136 --> 00:05:01,470 writing books about courageous women 133 00:05:01,552 --> 00:05:04,970 with my daughter, Chelsea, who I, um... 134 00:05:05,052 --> 00:05:07,011 Love? Exactly. Thank you. 135 00:05:07,095 --> 00:05:08,427 But the people want you. 136 00:05:08,512 --> 00:05:11,136 Just look at these polls I planted in Bloomberg News. 137 00:05:11,220 --> 00:05:13,427 With my money and your politics for hire, 138 00:05:13,512 --> 00:05:16,220 there's nothing stopping us from stopping socialists 139 00:05:16,302 --> 00:05:18,136 from stopping me from hoarding wealth. 140 00:05:18,220 --> 00:05:21,261 ♪ bright music plays ♪ 141 00:05:21,345 --> 00:05:23,928 Imagine if we could go on television 142 00:05:24,011 --> 00:05:28,220 without having to defend that teetotalin' wet ass. 143 00:05:28,302 --> 00:05:31,011 Without the mic guy purposefully electrocuting me 144 00:05:31,095 --> 00:05:32,887 with a white-hot frayed wire? 145 00:05:32,970 --> 00:05:34,595 I used to rule TV -- 146 00:05:34,678 --> 00:05:37,762 ranting about the Dow, lit as all hell, 147 00:05:37,845 --> 00:05:40,345 with the Jim Cramer! 148 00:05:40,427 --> 00:05:41,762 Knocky-knocky! 149 00:05:41,845 --> 00:05:43,928 I need you to dress to the Tapper tens 150 00:05:44,011 --> 00:05:48,302 because I just had my most grounded and rational idea yet. 151 00:05:48,387 --> 00:05:49,637 To wrap up this trade war, 152 00:05:49,720 --> 00:05:51,220 what if we rammed naval ships into -- 153 00:05:51,302 --> 00:05:53,720 don't judge yet -- Chinese shipping freights? 154 00:05:53,803 --> 00:05:56,845 It's brilliant in its stupidity, but I'm just not sure that -- 155 00:05:56,928 --> 00:05:58,387 Aaaand tweeted. 156 00:05:58,470 --> 00:06:00,052 All right. Choppy-choppy! You're on at 4 p.m. 157 00:06:00,136 --> 00:06:02,427 No way! I'm goin' viral! 158 00:06:02,512 --> 00:06:04,970 ♪ soft music plays ♪ 159 00:06:05,052 --> 00:06:06,552 When my mother and I wrote 160 00:06:06,637 --> 00:06:08,845 "The Book of Gutsy Women," it wasn't all work. 161 00:06:08,928 --> 00:06:10,220 - Ha ha! - Wow! 162 00:06:10,302 --> 00:06:11,928 -Sometimes, we took a break 163 00:06:12,011 --> 00:06:14,845 to live, laugh, and gossip about entertainment news. 164 00:06:14,928 --> 00:06:16,177 Right, Mom? 165 00:06:16,261 --> 00:06:18,427 It's fun writing books with my daughter, 166 00:06:18,512 --> 00:06:19,470 who I, uh... 167 00:06:19,552 --> 00:06:20,928 Love. Right. 168 00:06:21,011 --> 00:06:22,302 So say it, silly! 169 00:06:22,387 --> 00:06:23,678 What is it -- your birthday? 170 00:06:23,762 --> 00:06:25,762 Yes, it is. I'm 40. 171 00:06:25,845 --> 00:06:27,845 Happy birthday. There. I said it! 172 00:06:27,970 --> 00:06:29,845 -Run, Hillary! -Yeah! Go for it! 173 00:06:29,928 --> 00:06:31,261 No, that's behind me. 174 00:06:31,345 --> 00:06:33,220 I'm now focused on being toured around 175 00:06:33,302 --> 00:06:35,011 like a book-slinging circus monkey. 176 00:06:35,095 --> 00:06:37,220 But all of us who stood in line for four hours 177 00:06:37,302 --> 00:06:39,220 just to get a glimpse of the back of your head 178 00:06:39,302 --> 00:06:40,720 agree you're the best candidate! 179 00:06:40,803 --> 00:06:41,970 Yeah! 180 00:06:42,052 --> 00:06:44,011 All of you? 181 00:06:45,512 --> 00:06:47,136 Larry? Connie? 182 00:06:47,220 --> 00:06:49,845 It's Tapper O'Clock! Why aren't you defending me?! 183 00:06:49,928 --> 00:06:51,762 I've thought of a thousand ways to justify 184 00:06:51,845 --> 00:06:54,678 this battleship ramming scheme, and all of them are war crimes! 185 00:06:54,762 --> 00:06:56,552 Shh! It's ringing. 186 00:06:57,762 --> 00:06:59,177 I also made it so it can fart. 187 00:06:59,261 --> 00:07:01,512 That's what mine sounds like! 188 00:07:01,595 --> 00:07:04,720 Hello? This is the GOAT of all time, Elon Musk. 189 00:07:04,803 --> 00:07:07,345 Hey, lame guy the science guy... 190 00:07:07,427 --> 00:07:10,136 pack your solar-powered luggage or whatever 191 00:07:10,220 --> 00:07:12,011 'cause your country needs you. 192 00:07:12,095 --> 00:07:14,552 As long as the country is not Thailand, I'm in. 193 00:07:15,302 --> 00:07:17,261 Here's what I'm thinking 194 00:07:17,345 --> 00:07:18,552 for the next five years. 195 00:07:18,637 --> 00:07:21,720 We pen the story of a racially ambiguous daughter 196 00:07:21,803 --> 00:07:25,011 named Lakelynne White, who opens a small, diverse hedge-fund. 197 00:07:25,095 --> 00:07:27,052 Lakelynne courageously uses her earnings 198 00:07:27,136 --> 00:07:29,427 to run an inclusive smear campaign 199 00:07:29,512 --> 00:07:31,302 against Ilhan Omar. 200 00:07:31,387 --> 00:07:33,220 Hillary, we need you. 201 00:07:33,302 --> 00:07:34,387 Jeffy?! 202 00:07:34,470 --> 00:07:35,970 Mother! Chime in. 203 00:07:36,052 --> 00:07:38,762 Uh, I, guess, Lakelynne can meet a... 204 00:07:38,845 --> 00:07:40,552 barista? 205 00:07:40,637 --> 00:07:42,387 Mother, don't pluck my tulip. 206 00:07:42,470 --> 00:07:44,887 I know you're thinking about being President again. 207 00:07:44,970 --> 00:07:47,512 You know how sometimes when you're talking to me, 208 00:07:47,595 --> 00:07:50,887 I pause for a few seconds then say, "Interesting"? 209 00:07:51,011 --> 00:07:53,637 That's because I'm thinking about being President. 210 00:07:53,720 --> 00:07:56,928 As much as I like copy-pasting Wikipedia articles 211 00:07:57,011 --> 00:07:59,762 on suffragettes into Microsoft Word with my mother, 212 00:07:59,845 --> 00:08:02,177 at the end of the day, I'm with her! 213 00:08:02,261 --> 00:08:03,595 Go, Mother! 214 00:08:03,678 --> 00:08:06,678 Chase your dream for the third time! 215 00:08:07,678 --> 00:08:09,678 Interesting. 216 00:08:11,177 --> 00:08:12,803 ♪ ominous music plays ♪ 217 00:08:12,887 --> 00:08:15,052 It's time we brace ourselves 218 00:08:15,136 --> 00:08:17,052 for the looming class revolution. 219 00:08:17,136 --> 00:08:19,678 Thursday's usual 24-ounce wagyu strip 220 00:08:19,762 --> 00:08:24,095 will have to be replaced by... a 14-ounce wagyu filet. 221 00:08:24,177 --> 00:08:25,512 No! They're treating us 222 00:08:25,595 --> 00:08:26,928 like human beings. 223 00:08:27,011 --> 00:08:29,220 We're billionaires, damn it! 224 00:08:29,302 --> 00:08:31,427 Order that strip, Michael! 225 00:08:31,512 --> 00:08:34,511 And get one for me, with a side of hot sauce, 226 00:08:34,595 --> 00:08:36,135 a condiment I enjoy independently 227 00:08:36,220 --> 00:08:37,803 of its relation to the black vote. 228 00:08:37,886 --> 00:08:40,595 Because I'm running for President! 229 00:08:42,095 --> 00:08:43,803 Thank you, rich God. 230 00:08:43,886 --> 00:08:46,010 ♪ uplifting music plays ♪ 231 00:08:49,427 --> 00:08:50,970 If we're going into battle, 232 00:08:51,052 --> 00:08:54,052 we need our breathable rayon armor. 233 00:08:54,135 --> 00:08:55,803 Blue. Hillary Clinton. 234 00:08:55,886 --> 00:08:58,260 Connotes leadership, power, rigidity. 235 00:08:58,345 --> 00:09:00,302 Brownish-grey. Chelsea Clinton. 236 00:09:00,386 --> 00:09:01,470 Connotes subservience, 237 00:09:01,552 --> 00:09:03,052 laughing when it's not that funny, 238 00:09:03,135 --> 00:09:05,220 walking behind me when the sidewalk gets too narrow, 239 00:09:05,302 --> 00:09:07,135 peeling an orange so ridiculously slow, 240 00:09:07,220 --> 00:09:08,427 you have to go take a walk 241 00:09:08,511 --> 00:09:10,177 just to not scream. Okay, thank you, Mother. 242 00:09:10,260 --> 00:09:12,552 Green. Huma Abedin! 243 00:09:12,636 --> 00:09:15,511 Connotes poise, perfection, daughterliness. 244 00:09:15,595 --> 00:09:17,595 Didn't Huma's husband, Anthony Weiner, 245 00:09:17,678 --> 00:09:19,761 single-handedly annihilate your last campaign? 246 00:09:19,845 --> 00:09:21,552 We all have a perverted husband 247 00:09:21,636 --> 00:09:24,177 whose sexual addiction dissolves our political career. 248 00:09:24,260 --> 00:09:26,302 But this time, we are playing it safe. 249 00:09:26,386 --> 00:09:28,427 You can do whatever you want to each other! 250 00:09:28,511 --> 00:09:29,845 Just don't leave the yard! 251 00:09:29,928 --> 00:09:31,928 Fresh air, acorns, sprinkler -- 252 00:09:32,010 --> 00:09:34,427 I've done way worse with way less! 253 00:09:34,511 --> 00:09:36,135 ♪ slow R&B music plays ♪ 254 00:09:36,220 --> 00:09:37,928 Okay, Elon, this better be worth 255 00:09:38,010 --> 00:09:40,220 the billion dollars we siphoned from CHIP. 256 00:09:40,302 --> 00:09:41,470 What is that? 257 00:09:41,552 --> 00:09:43,470 It's an Oval Office simulator. 258 00:09:43,552 --> 00:09:45,803 It will deadass make the President think 259 00:09:45,886 --> 00:09:48,386 all his orders are being followed A-F as fuck. 260 00:09:48,470 --> 00:09:50,761 But no transmissions will go in or out. 261 00:09:50,845 --> 00:09:53,845 You can say "Bye, Felicia" to defending him on television. 262 00:09:53,928 --> 00:09:55,886 Go ahead. Say it. Bye, Felicia. 263 00:09:56,010 --> 00:09:58,220 Lé cool. I'm here for this. 264 00:09:58,302 --> 00:09:59,552 Cue the simulator! 265 00:09:59,636 --> 00:10:01,095 Ass-ass, Captain! 266 00:10:03,135 --> 00:10:06,177 ♪ triumphant music plays ♪ 267 00:10:06,260 --> 00:10:09,845 The key to any successful campaign is small-dollar donors. 268 00:10:09,928 --> 00:10:11,636 Let's split up. You take the Bronx. 269 00:10:11,720 --> 00:10:13,886 Remember -- no donation is too small. 270 00:10:13,970 --> 00:10:15,095 Here's a coin pouch! 271 00:10:15,177 --> 00:10:16,552 Yeah, let me rap 272 00:10:16,636 --> 00:10:20,427 my 70-year-old knuckles on a million doors, or...? 273 00:10:20,511 --> 00:10:22,302 Add as many zeros as it'll take to win. 274 00:10:22,386 --> 00:10:24,511 The campaign announcement is tomorrow. 275 00:10:24,595 --> 00:10:26,302 Are you available to volunteer for our 276 00:10:26,386 --> 00:10:28,761 "Count Me In" phone bank in Gowanus? 277 00:10:28,845 --> 00:10:30,386 Hillary, uh, who is this? 278 00:10:30,470 --> 00:10:33,220 Go wait in the stairwell, Chels. Mommy's panhandling. 279 00:10:33,302 --> 00:10:36,052 ♪ mysterious music plays ♪ 280 00:10:36,135 --> 00:10:38,552 Was there always a freezing-cold elevator ride 281 00:10:38,636 --> 00:10:40,220 to the Oval Office? 282 00:10:40,302 --> 00:10:41,511 Uh, yeah, you built it. 283 00:10:41,595 --> 00:10:43,427 They gave you the Nobel Prize for it. 284 00:10:43,511 --> 00:10:45,928 Yeah, and you guys said I couldn't build it! 285 00:10:46,010 --> 00:10:47,511 Remember? Uh-huh. 286 00:10:47,595 --> 00:10:50,761 Stand by. That feeling when the eagle has landed goals. 287 00:10:50,845 --> 00:10:52,678 What's this joystick doing here? 288 00:10:52,761 --> 00:10:54,177 Uh, that's the same joystick 289 00:10:54,260 --> 00:10:55,511 George Washington used to fight the Pilgrims. 290 00:10:55,595 --> 00:10:57,135 Fight the Pilgrims. Yeah, I know. 291 00:10:58,511 --> 00:11:00,135 Howdy, Mr. Trump! I'm Charlie! 292 00:11:00,220 --> 00:11:03,345 Are you ready for your day as President? Wa-goo! 293 00:11:03,427 --> 00:11:05,761 Who's Charlie? He's kinda scary. 294 00:11:05,845 --> 00:11:08,511 Only the coolest White House mascot on Earth! 295 00:11:08,595 --> 00:11:10,220 What the fuck am I even saying? 296 00:11:10,302 --> 00:11:12,470 Select a mission! Lunch or de-escalating 297 00:11:12,552 --> 00:11:15,427 Turkey's military operations in Northern Syria? 298 00:11:15,511 --> 00:11:17,345 Well, you can't eat Syria. 299 00:11:17,427 --> 00:11:18,595 You've selected "Lunch." 300 00:11:18,678 --> 00:11:20,470 How many pounds of lunch would you like? 301 00:11:20,552 --> 00:11:23,220 No one's ever asked! 302 00:11:25,845 --> 00:11:27,636 I stayed up all night writing the speech 303 00:11:27,720 --> 00:11:29,636 because I was so excited 304 00:11:29,720 --> 00:11:31,345 and because you only booked a two-bedroom 305 00:11:31,427 --> 00:11:32,720 so I had to sleep in the lobby 306 00:11:32,803 --> 00:11:35,135 with a bag of Minute Maid apple juice as a pillow. 307 00:11:35,220 --> 00:11:36,595 Lordy, was that the speech? 308 00:11:36,678 --> 00:11:39,470 Mom, I'm gonna rock this. Check this out. 309 00:11:39,552 --> 00:11:42,470 "The degradation of norms has never been more..." 310 00:11:42,552 --> 00:11:44,470 Boring! Check this out. 311 00:11:44,552 --> 00:11:46,636 "A lot of people are using their apps 312 00:11:46,720 --> 00:11:49,302 to listen to Lizzo." Pause for woo-woo's. 313 00:11:49,386 --> 00:11:53,052 "But I think they should Lizz-show up on Election Day 314 00:11:53,135 --> 00:11:55,302 and vote for Hillary Clinton!" 315 00:11:56,845 --> 00:11:59,470 If you can brilliantly interweave pop culture 316 00:11:59,552 --> 00:12:02,260 with revolutionary status-quo ideology like that, 317 00:12:02,345 --> 00:12:03,386 you got the gig. 318 00:12:03,470 --> 00:12:06,427 "The cruelty and incompetence 319 00:12:06,511 --> 00:12:08,720 of this administration 320 00:12:08,803 --> 00:12:12,470 has never been more... Riverdale?" 321 00:12:12,552 --> 00:12:15,220 That's a Lizz-no from me, dawg! 322 00:12:15,302 --> 00:12:17,302 Wait! 323 00:12:17,386 --> 00:12:20,761 "A lot of teens are watching The C-W... 324 00:12:20,845 --> 00:12:22,177 My God. 325 00:12:22,260 --> 00:12:23,720 ...but I wanna know... 326 00:12:23,803 --> 00:12:25,427 how can we have those teens 327 00:12:25,511 --> 00:12:29,511 'C' Hillary to the 'W' House?" 328 00:12:30,678 --> 00:12:34,052 Huma, could you go get Chelsea the purple pant suit? 329 00:12:34,135 --> 00:12:37,010 The one that connotes tolerability? 330 00:12:38,345 --> 00:12:42,177 Waaaa-goo, Mr. President! 331 00:12:42,260 --> 00:12:44,177 You've rammed a Chinese ship, 332 00:12:44,260 --> 00:12:46,678 received a public apology from Bette Midler, 333 00:12:46,761 --> 00:12:49,761 inspired a standing ovation at the Teen Choice Awards, 334 00:12:49,845 --> 00:12:52,135 and planted Jim Acosta in the path of a lawnmower! 335 00:12:52,220 --> 00:12:56,720 Ahh! Gotta pop open a window, and hear that Acosta squeal! 336 00:12:57,928 --> 00:12:59,970 -Oh, my God! We're done for! -Not the window! 337 00:13:00,052 --> 00:13:02,470 Oh, he's being extra, and it's, like, low-key not a mood. 338 00:13:02,552 --> 00:13:04,220 Release the golden hat! 339 00:13:04,302 --> 00:13:05,678 Congratulations! 340 00:13:05,761 --> 00:13:08,220 Your ninth lunch has somehow brokered peace 341 00:13:08,302 --> 00:13:10,302 between the Kurds and the Turks! 342 00:13:10,386 --> 00:13:11,511 I had a feeling it might. 343 00:13:11,595 --> 00:13:13,470 You've unlocked a golden hat! 344 00:13:13,552 --> 00:13:15,552 Whoa, ho, ho,ho! 345 00:13:15,636 --> 00:13:18,678 I've always wanted this thing I just found out about. 346 00:13:18,761 --> 00:13:20,970 Holy crap! It worked! 347 00:13:21,052 --> 00:13:24,345 We've trapped the President in a glorified phone game! 348 00:13:24,427 --> 00:13:27,177 Who's to say we're all not living in a phone game? 349 00:13:28,177 --> 00:13:31,010 Who's to say we're all not simply living in a phone game? 350 00:13:31,095 --> 00:13:32,345 Yeah, we heard you. 351 00:13:32,427 --> 00:13:33,886 Breaking news. 352 00:13:33,970 --> 00:13:36,260 As has been long-rumored and instinctually feared, 353 00:13:36,345 --> 00:13:37,761 Hillary Clinton is officially 354 00:13:37,845 --> 00:13:39,678 entering the race for the Democratic nomination. 355 00:13:39,761 --> 00:13:41,678 The Beast of Benghazi, 356 00:13:41,761 --> 00:13:43,595 the Satan of the Servers 357 00:13:43,678 --> 00:13:47,220 has awoken from her four-year volcanic slumber! 358 00:13:47,302 --> 00:13:50,928 Rise all ye minions to battle! 359 00:13:52,803 --> 00:13:54,678 How entitled do you have to be to try and steal 360 00:13:54,761 --> 00:13:57,010 the presidency I'm entitled to? 361 00:13:57,095 --> 00:14:00,302 I'll start drafting my passive-aggressive endorsement. 362 00:14:00,386 --> 00:14:01,761 It's 63 degrees today -- 363 00:14:01,845 --> 00:14:03,928 she'll get a sun stroke and drop out. 364 00:14:10,552 --> 00:14:13,761 A lot of people are using Instagram. 365 00:14:13,845 --> 00:14:15,135 Oh, boy, oh, boy, oh, boy! 366 00:14:15,220 --> 00:14:17,511 But this President's domestic policies 367 00:14:17,595 --> 00:14:20,095 have me sliding out of his DMs 368 00:14:20,177 --> 00:14:22,302 and into the voting booth! 369 00:14:23,720 --> 00:14:24,970 In fact, I think 370 00:14:25,052 --> 00:14:28,220 he can't honor his sacred oath to the Constitution 371 00:14:28,302 --> 00:14:30,720 because he's too busy eating hamberders! 372 00:14:30,803 --> 00:14:33,302 - Whoo! - I love politics! 373 00:14:33,386 --> 00:14:34,970 This speech will seal the deal. 374 00:14:35,052 --> 00:14:36,803 I think we're looking at our next 375 00:14:36,886 --> 00:14:40,302 Deputy Press Secretary for North African Digital Outreach. 376 00:14:40,386 --> 00:14:43,302 Without further ado, please welcome 377 00:14:43,386 --> 00:14:46,803 the winner of the 2016 popular vote... 378 00:14:48,427 --> 00:14:52,761 ...and the winner of the 2020 electoral vote... 379 00:14:52,845 --> 00:14:54,720 Uh-huhhh! 380 00:14:54,803 --> 00:14:57,345 ...and the only candidate whose campaign will be funded 381 00:14:57,427 --> 00:15:00,511 entirely by the billionaire class! 382 00:15:00,595 --> 00:15:02,470 Ha ha...yeah! 383 00:15:02,552 --> 00:15:06,052 Yes, sir! Michael Bloomberg is bankrolling her campaign 384 00:15:06,135 --> 00:15:08,970 as long as she continues to keep his tax bracket 385 00:15:09,052 --> 00:15:11,386 at a rate of zero or below! 386 00:15:11,470 --> 00:15:12,886 Uh, what's this? 387 00:15:12,970 --> 00:15:17,177 In the words of my mother not one hour ago... 388 00:15:17,260 --> 00:15:18,928 Don't quote me, don't quote me. 389 00:15:19,010 --> 00:15:21,345 ...quote, "I can rap my 70-year-old knuckles 390 00:15:21,427 --> 00:15:22,845 on a million doors, 391 00:15:22,928 --> 00:15:25,260 or I can strut into the Bloomberg building 392 00:15:25,345 --> 00:15:27,302 and sell America's soul 393 00:15:27,386 --> 00:15:30,886 to the ninth-richest man in the world!" 394 00:15:32,386 --> 00:15:34,886 Lizz-oh my God. 395 00:15:36,302 --> 00:15:39,220 Hillary Clinton seems to be alienating 396 00:15:39,302 --> 00:15:41,095 the coveted "voter" demographic, 397 00:15:41,177 --> 00:15:44,845 while President Trump hasn't had a single recent controversy. 398 00:15:44,928 --> 00:15:47,135 Here to comment, Kellyanne Conway and Larry Kudlow. 399 00:15:47,220 --> 00:15:49,886 We're proud to announce that, this week, the President 400 00:15:49,970 --> 00:15:52,552 hasn't tweeted a single genocidally complicit tweet. 401 00:15:52,636 --> 00:15:56,052 ♪ Ba-ba-da-ba, ba-ba-baaaa! ♪ 402 00:15:56,135 --> 00:15:58,886 That's great. Okay. Bye-bye! 403 00:15:58,970 --> 00:16:01,886 Wait! No questions or condemnations or anything? 404 00:16:01,970 --> 00:16:04,427 Eh, since the President hasn't said or done 405 00:16:04,511 --> 00:16:07,552 anything reprehensible, there's nothing to discuss. 406 00:16:07,636 --> 00:16:09,552 In other news, j-- 407 00:16:09,636 --> 00:16:11,720 Did the President just do something outrageous? 408 00:16:11,803 --> 00:16:13,928 I j-- I just wanted to, uh... 409 00:16:14,010 --> 00:16:16,095 Are you caught up on The Masked Singer? 410 00:16:16,177 --> 00:16:18,928 Kelly, the interview's over. I'm a serious newsman, 411 00:16:19,010 --> 00:16:21,220 and you're wasting my precious air time. 412 00:16:21,302 --> 00:16:23,095 Nooooooo! Coming up, I'll share 413 00:16:23,177 --> 00:16:25,928 one of the cartoons I made during office hours. 414 00:16:26,010 --> 00:16:29,427 Billionaires buying my influence 415 00:16:29,511 --> 00:16:30,928 is for us to know... 416 00:16:31,010 --> 00:16:33,260 and for the American people to find out 417 00:16:33,345 --> 00:16:36,177 when they're forced to buy their own surgical tools off Amazon. 418 00:16:36,260 --> 00:16:39,135 I just wanted to be a leader like you, 419 00:16:39,220 --> 00:16:41,803 but I'm a no-good sole heir to the most un-killable 420 00:16:41,886 --> 00:16:43,720 political dynasty in the modern era. 421 00:16:43,803 --> 00:16:45,928 Don't worry. Your father's proclivities 422 00:16:46,010 --> 00:16:49,052 have made me an expert on quashing scandals. 423 00:16:49,135 --> 00:16:52,345 Thank you, Mother! I knew you'd always be there for -- 424 00:16:52,427 --> 00:16:55,135 Chelsea Clinton is no longer associated 425 00:16:55,220 --> 00:16:57,302 with this campaign or family! 426 00:16:57,386 --> 00:16:58,970 It's sick, what she did! 427 00:16:59,052 --> 00:17:01,135 She's the bad Clinton now. Everyone write that down. 428 00:17:01,220 --> 00:17:04,010 In her stead, we will be adopting a new daughter, 429 00:17:04,095 --> 00:17:05,804 Huma Abedin! 430 00:17:05,886 --> 00:17:07,679 We look forward to a peaceful transition. 431 00:17:07,761 --> 00:17:08,845 What's all this? 432 00:17:08,929 --> 00:17:10,470 We'll talk about it later, Chels! 433 00:17:10,553 --> 00:17:12,220 ♪ Awk-ward ♪ 434 00:17:15,010 --> 00:17:17,135 Tapper, baby, wassup, man? 435 00:17:17,220 --> 00:17:19,053 You need some guests for the show today? 436 00:17:19,135 --> 00:17:21,553 You can roll your eyes while Larry and I rationalize 437 00:17:21,636 --> 00:17:24,135 the President fracking an inner-city playground! 438 00:17:24,220 --> 00:17:27,135 The President's old hat. No one's heard from him in days. 439 00:17:27,220 --> 00:17:30,553 And you two are getting on a Tapper's last nerve! 440 00:17:30,636 --> 00:17:32,804 I'm so glad he said yes. 441 00:17:32,886 --> 00:17:36,220 I can't wait to go on television... 442 00:17:36,302 --> 00:17:39,010 Oh, God! Someone call 9-1-1! 443 00:17:39,095 --> 00:17:40,845 Actually, hold on. 444 00:17:45,260 --> 00:17:48,970 Sorry. I had to flush my old drugs down the toilet. 445 00:17:49,052 --> 00:17:50,511 It was from an old jacket. 446 00:17:50,595 --> 00:17:52,720 You know, I'm off that stuff now. 447 00:17:52,804 --> 00:17:55,886 That's old Kudlow. New Kudlow -- clean Kuds! 448 00:17:55,970 --> 00:17:57,386 Anyway, let's get you some help. 449 00:17:57,470 --> 00:17:59,761 Okay. Now someone can call! 450 00:17:59,845 --> 00:18:02,428 I hope you're happy, Mother! 451 00:18:02,511 --> 00:18:05,553 I am so politically toxic, Simon & Schuster said 452 00:18:05,636 --> 00:18:07,804 "Color-Blind Hedge-Fund: The Lakelynne White Story" 453 00:18:07,886 --> 00:18:10,386 has been shelved! Take a step back. 454 00:18:10,470 --> 00:18:14,260 I did what's best for Americans, specifically one American, me. 455 00:18:14,345 --> 00:18:18,553 I was so wrong to spend my every waking minute admiring you! 456 00:18:18,636 --> 00:18:20,720 Dad, let's go. Sorry, Chels! 457 00:18:20,804 --> 00:18:22,428 Your mother has a manilla folder 458 00:18:22,511 --> 00:18:24,845 that makes our arrangement extremely binding. 459 00:18:24,929 --> 00:18:26,886 I need to get out of this house. 460 00:18:26,970 --> 00:18:28,553 I'm getting a four-star hotel. 461 00:18:28,636 --> 00:18:30,135 I'll charge the foundation. 462 00:18:30,220 --> 00:18:32,511 Yeah, I know how to charge the foundation myself! 463 00:18:32,595 --> 00:18:34,386 ♪ tense music playing ♪ 464 00:18:34,470 --> 00:18:38,177 If you're gonna Lizz-go, then just Lizz-go! 465 00:18:45,135 --> 00:18:47,886 Welcome to tonight's Democratic Debate. 466 00:18:47,970 --> 00:18:49,720 I'm Anderson Cooper, and I've never once felt 467 00:18:49,804 --> 00:18:51,095 a hint of imposter syndrome. 468 00:18:51,177 --> 00:18:53,260 Hi, Andy. How's your new Springer Spaniel? 469 00:18:53,345 --> 00:18:55,720 Please refrain from revealing we all know each other socially. 470 00:18:55,804 --> 00:18:58,220 Secretary Clinton, what do you think your voice brings 471 00:18:58,302 --> 00:19:00,010 to the 2020 primary election? 472 00:19:00,095 --> 00:19:02,970 I'm just here to represent the issues of my constituents. 473 00:19:03,053 --> 00:19:06,260 And billionaires, according to your own daughter! Boom! 474 00:19:06,345 --> 00:19:07,804 Oooohhhhh! 475 00:19:07,886 --> 00:19:09,053 I can take the heat. 476 00:19:09,135 --> 00:19:11,679 Otherwise, why would my bag contain hot sauce? 477 00:19:11,761 --> 00:19:14,804 Hey! Cultural appropriation is my gaffe. Get your own! 478 00:19:14,886 --> 00:19:16,761 Look, Hillary, w-we don't need you. 479 00:19:16,845 --> 00:19:18,720 We got your whole thing covered. 480 00:19:18,804 --> 00:19:21,595 I'm the billionaire shill, Warren's the pissy mom, 481 00:19:21,679 --> 00:19:23,595 Bernie's the one with a hospital bracelet, 482 00:19:23,679 --> 00:19:25,386 and Pete's the one who wants it too bad! 483 00:19:25,470 --> 00:19:28,135 Hey! Hey! Can I say something? 484 00:19:28,220 --> 00:19:30,260 I just wanted to say 485 00:19:30,345 --> 00:19:32,929 that there's still some work to be done in Iraq. 486 00:19:34,511 --> 00:19:37,679 I'm still mad at her, but she's got a point about Iraq. 487 00:19:39,595 --> 00:19:42,636 Hey, let's just watch Tapper until the cops get here. 488 00:19:42,720 --> 00:19:44,177 Pretend he's scolding you! 489 00:19:44,260 --> 00:19:45,886 Hillary Clinton's back in the race, 490 00:19:45,970 --> 00:19:47,552 which brings us to tonight's 491 00:19:47,636 --> 00:19:50,095 President Chump: Hillary Edition. 492 00:19:50,177 --> 00:19:53,720 Hillary Clinton is racing for the Democratic nomination. 493 00:19:53,804 --> 00:19:55,052 But without Chelsea Clinton, 494 00:19:55,135 --> 00:19:58,010 her political boat has started to...rock, 495 00:19:58,095 --> 00:20:01,260 a genre of music made famous by British celebrity 496 00:20:01,345 --> 00:20:03,010 Keith Richards. 497 00:20:03,095 --> 00:20:05,220 No comment has been made by President Chump, 498 00:20:05,303 --> 00:20:07,636 which seems...fishy? 499 00:20:07,720 --> 00:20:10,135 Perhaps the President is out to sea, 500 00:20:10,220 --> 00:20:13,929 aboard his favorite vessel, the USS Unaccountable. 501 00:20:16,220 --> 00:20:17,553 And that's our show. 502 00:20:17,636 --> 00:20:20,220 Sorry we didn't get to any news at all. 503 00:20:20,303 --> 00:20:21,679 Stay with me, Kellyanne! 504 00:20:21,761 --> 00:20:23,761 Losing relevance...fast! 505 00:20:23,845 --> 00:20:26,386 Broadcast television! Hurry! 506 00:20:26,470 --> 00:20:28,220 ♪ suspenseful music plays ♪ 507 00:20:28,303 --> 00:20:30,470 A chardonnay and a shot of hot sauce, please? 508 00:20:30,553 --> 00:20:31,886 Stop it. 509 00:20:31,970 --> 00:20:33,929 Is this seat bought by the oligarchal class? 510 00:20:34,010 --> 00:20:35,761 I just don't get it, Bernie. 511 00:20:35,845 --> 00:20:38,260 I thought everyone wanted me to run again. 512 00:20:38,345 --> 00:20:40,804 You ever love someone, but sometimes some of the things 513 00:20:40,886 --> 00:20:42,470 they say make your skin crawl? 514 00:20:42,552 --> 00:20:44,302 Chelsea! Is yours Chelsea, too? 515 00:20:44,386 --> 00:20:47,177 What I'm saying is that's how America feels about you. 516 00:20:47,260 --> 00:20:49,386 Just because everybody retweets you calling 517 00:20:49,470 --> 00:20:51,470 Donald Trump "Lord Voldo-moron"... 518 00:20:51,552 --> 00:20:53,470 So true! ...doesn't mean they trust you 519 00:20:53,552 --> 00:20:55,511 to stand up to Wall Street executives 520 00:20:55,595 --> 00:20:57,679 when you're sharing an au pair with them! 521 00:20:57,761 --> 00:20:59,345 Maybe people would've liked me 522 00:20:59,427 --> 00:21:02,428 if I had someone's "grassroots" endorsement! 523 00:21:02,511 --> 00:21:05,970 Don't start. I campaigned for you more than anyone else! 524 00:21:06,053 --> 00:21:08,553 "Oh, I don't know. I guess if you have to vote, 525 00:21:08,636 --> 00:21:10,595 vote for, uh, Hillary something." 526 00:21:10,679 --> 00:21:13,386 It was a full-throated endorsement! 527 00:21:13,470 --> 00:21:14,845 The throat was full! 528 00:21:14,929 --> 00:21:16,135 ♪ game music playing ♪ 529 00:21:16,220 --> 00:21:18,886 Thirty-six hours on, fifteen minutes off. 530 00:21:18,970 --> 00:21:21,135 Time to get back to work. Mr. President, 531 00:21:21,220 --> 00:21:23,260 you need to come out of the Oval Office 532 00:21:23,345 --> 00:21:26,804 and do something racist or start a fire or something. 533 00:21:26,886 --> 00:21:28,428 -Charlie?! -No, idiot! 534 00:21:28,511 --> 00:21:30,135 Charlie's not real! 535 00:21:30,220 --> 00:21:32,470 We created a whole fake Oval Office 536 00:21:32,552 --> 00:21:35,886 so we didn't have to defend you when you tweet stuff like 537 00:21:35,970 --> 00:21:39,386 "Happy Labor Day to Whites and non-Whites alike." 538 00:21:39,470 --> 00:21:43,052 I'd rather live in a simulated perfect world 539 00:21:43,135 --> 00:21:44,552 where everything I say goes 540 00:21:44,636 --> 00:21:46,595 than a sometimes rainy real world 541 00:21:46,679 --> 00:21:48,427 where everything I say goes. 542 00:21:48,511 --> 00:21:50,260 Waaa-goo! - But, Kellyanne, man. 543 00:21:50,345 --> 00:21:52,427 S-She needs broadcast television, stat. 544 00:21:52,511 --> 00:21:54,095 She's gonna wither away! 545 00:21:54,177 --> 00:21:57,552 Oh, no! One of my employees is in peril! 546 00:21:57,636 --> 00:21:59,552 There's no words you could say, Kudlow -- 547 00:21:59,636 --> 00:22:02,345 not one string of words in the world 548 00:22:02,428 --> 00:22:03,679 that could possibly pull me 549 00:22:03,761 --> 00:22:05,679 out of this incredibly stinky paradise. 550 00:22:05,761 --> 00:22:07,095 Hillary Clinton's 551 00:22:07,178 --> 00:22:09,095 running for President. You say what now? 552 00:22:10,386 --> 00:22:12,260 Chelsea? It's Hillary Rodham Clinton. 553 00:22:12,345 --> 00:22:15,886 Go away, Mother! I'm drinking my pillow! 554 00:22:15,970 --> 00:22:17,720 I wanted to say I'm sorry. 555 00:22:17,804 --> 00:22:20,135 Sure, writing books with you never made me happy, 556 00:22:20,220 --> 00:22:21,970 and, sure, I still wish I could fuse 557 00:22:22,053 --> 00:22:24,761 some of my blood into Huma's and slap your name on her, 558 00:22:24,845 --> 00:22:27,636 but at the end of the day, the daughter I've been given 559 00:22:27,720 --> 00:22:29,553 thinks I'm pretty cool, 560 00:22:29,636 --> 00:22:31,679 and that's been great for my ego. 561 00:22:31,761 --> 00:22:33,804 And I'm sorry, too. 562 00:22:33,886 --> 00:22:36,010 It was selfish of me to try and make you proud. 563 00:22:36,095 --> 00:22:38,636 From now on, I'll stick to elevating your image, 564 00:22:38,720 --> 00:22:40,720 no matter how passed out in an unmarked van 565 00:22:40,804 --> 00:22:41,845 from heatstroke you are. 566 00:22:41,929 --> 00:22:43,386 I forgive you, Chelsea. 567 00:22:43,470 --> 00:22:46,220 Now, what do you say we call off this campaign 568 00:22:46,302 --> 00:22:48,302 and get back to scouting Craigslist 569 00:22:48,386 --> 00:22:50,886 for desperate ghostwriters? 570 00:22:53,220 --> 00:22:54,845 Hillary! 571 00:22:56,386 --> 00:22:59,804 Must...roast...Hillary! 572 00:22:59,886 --> 00:23:02,761 No bars! Can't tweet! 573 00:23:02,845 --> 00:23:06,428 Hillary!!! 574 00:23:06,511 --> 00:23:08,595 Breaking: Hillary Clinton 575 00:23:08,679 --> 00:23:11,135 has suspended her campaign, the shortest 576 00:23:11,220 --> 00:23:13,511 and most whip and nae-nae filled in history. 577 00:23:13,595 --> 00:23:15,010 Let's take it live. 578 00:23:15,095 --> 00:23:18,178 I have bad news for the 200 million Americans 579 00:23:18,260 --> 00:23:20,260 who planned to vote for me this November... 580 00:23:21,595 --> 00:23:25,345 Turn on the cameras! 581 00:23:25,428 --> 00:23:28,010 I have to insult Hillary! 582 00:23:28,095 --> 00:23:30,345 This campaign was never about me. 583 00:23:30,428 --> 00:23:33,345 It was about the millions of Americans who idolize me. 584 00:23:33,427 --> 00:23:36,845 But it's time for me to make room for the new Blue wave. 585 00:23:36,929 --> 00:23:38,427 That's why I'm endorsing 586 00:23:38,511 --> 00:23:41,511 fresh-thinking up-and-comer Jeff Bezos! 587 00:23:41,595 --> 00:23:44,470 A chicken in every pot, a crap in every pants. 588 00:23:44,552 --> 00:23:46,845 And now my nice daughter, Chelsea, 589 00:23:46,929 --> 00:23:48,679 will say a few words. I n-- 590 00:23:48,761 --> 00:23:51,511 And we're cutting away from Hillary's campaign suspension 591 00:23:51,595 --> 00:23:54,135 to the White House, where Donald Trump has emerged 592 00:23:54,220 --> 00:23:55,886 a little worse for wear. 593 00:23:55,970 --> 00:23:57,427 Ohh! 594 00:23:57,511 --> 00:24:00,178 Crooked Hillary needs to be locked up! 595 00:24:00,260 --> 00:24:02,595 She's colluded with John McCain, 596 00:24:02,679 --> 00:24:06,553 with Benghazi because she's inside the Ukraine! 597 00:24:06,636 --> 00:24:09,845 Rehr-rehr! Don't let her get away! 598 00:24:09,929 --> 00:24:11,303 Now, who on Earth would defend 599 00:24:11,386 --> 00:24:13,886 this kind of behavior from the President? 600 00:24:13,970 --> 00:24:15,260 Well, helloooo, Jake! 601 00:24:15,345 --> 00:24:16,970 Aaggghhhhh! It's great to be back. 602 00:24:17,053 --> 00:24:19,804 The fake news media are once again spreading baseless lies. 603 00:24:19,886 --> 00:24:21,470 The President wishes Hillary well. 604 00:24:21,553 --> 00:24:24,720 Public trial! Town square! 605 00:24:24,804 --> 00:24:27,135 You're really gonna stand by that, 606 00:24:27,220 --> 00:24:29,053 even though it directly contradicts 607 00:24:29,135 --> 00:24:31,053 the live feed we have of him yelling? 608 00:24:31,135 --> 00:24:33,427 That's right! We may be permanently 609 00:24:33,511 --> 00:24:36,636 eroding America's faith in its sacred institutions, 610 00:24:36,720 --> 00:24:38,761 but at least we're on TV. 611 00:24:38,845 --> 00:24:40,260 Amen to that! 612 00:24:40,345 --> 00:24:42,552 Always a pleasure, Jake, you lying fuck! 613 00:24:42,636 --> 00:24:44,135 ♪ upbeat music plays ♪ 614 00:24:44,220 --> 00:24:46,345 "And then Lakelynne White realized 615 00:24:46,427 --> 00:24:49,761 she should remain secretary of her mother's trust fund 616 00:24:49,845 --> 00:24:52,010 and lived happily ever after. 617 00:24:52,095 --> 00:24:55,345 The end." Interesting. 618 00:24:55,427 --> 00:24:57,886 It's so good to be writing again now that this whole 619 00:24:57,970 --> 00:25:00,053 "running for President" thing is behind you. 620 00:25:00,135 --> 00:25:02,929 I don't need to be President to be happy. 621 00:25:03,010 --> 00:25:05,428 All I need is my bulletproof ego 622 00:25:05,511 --> 00:25:08,386 telling me that I could easily be President if I wanted, 623 00:25:08,470 --> 00:25:11,095 and my daughter, Chelsea, who I... 624 00:25:11,178 --> 00:25:13,095 ...love! 625 00:25:13,178 --> 00:25:15,886 Mom! You said it! Yes, I did. 626 00:25:15,970 --> 00:25:17,845 Now go fetch mommy's Saudi burner phone. 627 00:25:17,929 --> 00:25:20,260 2024 is around the corner! 628 00:25:21,636 --> 00:25:24,470 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 629 00:25:24,553 --> 00:25:28,135 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 630 00:25:28,220 --> 00:25:30,636 ♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪ 631 00:25:30,720 --> 00:25:32,302 ♪ Yes, he is ♪ 632 00:25:32,386 --> 00:25:35,135 ♪ Yes, he is, we elected him president ♪ 633 00:25:35,220 --> 00:25:37,804 ♪ Is Donald Trump the president? ♪ 634 00:25:37,886 --> 00:25:39,552 ♪ Yes, he is ♪ 635 00:25:39,636 --> 00:25:42,177 ♪ We had a vote and elected him president ♪ 636 00:25:42,260 --> 00:25:47,720 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 637 00:25:49,552 --> 00:25:51,135 ♪ Donald Trump ♪ 638 00:25:51,220 --> 00:25:54,761 ♪ He is our president ♪ 639 00:25:54,845 --> 00:25:58,095 ♪ We made him president ♪ 640 00:25:58,177 --> 00:26:00,260 ♪ We did it ♪ 641 00:26:00,345 --> 00:26:04,260 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 642 00:26:04,345 --> 00:26:07,220 ♪ We elected Donald Trump ♪ 643 00:26:07,303 --> 00:26:10,929 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 644 00:26:11,010 --> 00:26:14,511 ♪ Donald Trump is the president ♪ 645 00:26:14,595 --> 00:26:17,636 ♪ Yeah ♪ 646 00:26:17,720 --> 00:26:18,761 Trump!