1 00:01:15,875 --> 00:01:17,375 Come on. 2 00:01:19,915 --> 00:01:21,000 Asshole! 3 00:01:23,207 --> 00:01:24,207 Hey! 4 00:01:55,082 --> 00:01:56,375 Sorry about that. 5 00:02:43,625 --> 00:02:44,707 Enjoy your stay. 6 00:03:54,625 --> 00:03:55,625 Coming! 7 00:03:58,500 --> 00:04:01,500 Come on. Coming, coming, coming, coming. 8 00:04:01,582 --> 00:04:03,040 Hello. Hello? 9 00:04:03,125 --> 00:04:05,125 Shoot. God! 10 00:04:10,582 --> 00:04:13,165 Hello! Oh, Jesus Christ! 11 00:04:13,250 --> 00:04:16,500 Listen, what do you recommend for a catatonic fit in a parking garage? 12 00:04:16,582 --> 00:04:18,707 I… Ugh, ask your doctor. 13 00:04:18,790 --> 00:04:20,875 That's why I'm calling. He just canceled. 14 00:04:20,957 --> 00:04:22,207 Can I come over? 15 00:04:22,290 --> 00:04:24,415 Donald, you're about a day and a half early. 16 00:04:24,500 --> 00:04:26,332 - What am I supposed to do? - I just got in. 17 00:04:26,415 --> 00:04:28,915 I'm not ready for you yet. Why did the prick cancel? 18 00:04:29,000 --> 00:04:30,750 I don't know. He said he was just too sick. 19 00:04:30,832 --> 00:04:32,790 Why don't you tell him you're sicker than he is? 20 00:04:32,875 --> 00:04:34,082 He already knows that. 21 00:04:34,165 --> 00:04:37,457 Okay, Donald, come on over, but bring a bag of ice. 22 00:04:37,540 --> 00:04:39,375 Please do not give me any responsibility. 23 00:04:39,457 --> 00:04:41,516 At this moment, I cannot cope with anything weightier 24 00:04:41,540 --> 00:04:43,082 than the directions to your apartment. 25 00:04:43,165 --> 00:04:46,082 If you want a cold martini when you get here, you'll cope with some ice. 26 00:04:46,165 --> 00:04:48,332 - I'll cope with some ice. - And hurry up. 27 00:05:07,790 --> 00:05:09,500 I gotta go. 28 00:05:13,333 --> 00:05:15,833 I was saying hello to an old friend. 29 00:05:22,125 --> 00:05:23,125 What? 30 00:05:28,250 --> 00:05:29,957 10th and Broadway, please. 31 00:06:13,958 --> 00:06:17,250 Coming! Jesus Christ. 32 00:06:22,500 --> 00:06:25,582 - How did you get inside? - The street door was open. 33 00:06:25,665 --> 00:06:28,415 - You want a drink? - Not until I've had my shower. 34 00:06:29,165 --> 00:06:31,125 I want something to work out today. 35 00:06:32,000 --> 00:06:35,082 I'm gonna try to relax and enjoy something. 36 00:06:46,207 --> 00:06:48,125 You in a blue funk because of the doctor? 37 00:06:48,207 --> 00:06:52,165 Christ, no. I was depressed long before I got there. 38 00:06:52,250 --> 00:06:53,582 This should pick you up. 39 00:06:53,665 --> 00:06:59,125 I went shopping today, and I bought all sorts of goodies. Look. 40 00:06:59,957 --> 00:07:02,375 - Sandalwood soap. - I feel better already. 41 00:07:02,458 --> 00:07:03,577 - Mm-hmm. - What we got here? 42 00:07:03,625 --> 00:07:05,915 Oh! Your very own toothbrush, 43 00:07:06,000 --> 00:07:08,125 because I am sick to death of you using mine. 44 00:07:08,208 --> 00:07:11,458 - How do you think I feel? - You've had worse things in your mouth. 45 00:07:12,333 --> 00:07:15,333 Oh, also for you, something called "Control." 46 00:07:15,415 --> 00:07:17,332 Notice nowhere is it called "hairspray." 47 00:07:17,415 --> 00:07:20,375 Just simply "Control" and the words "for men" 48 00:07:20,457 --> 00:07:23,415 written about 37 times all over the goddamn can. 49 00:07:23,500 --> 00:07:25,415 Yeah, it's called Butch Assurance. 50 00:07:25,500 --> 00:07:28,582 Well, it's still hairspray, no matter if they call it "balls." 51 00:07:28,665 --> 00:07:30,290 It's all on your very own shelf, 52 00:07:30,375 --> 00:07:33,457 which is to be labeled Donald's Saturday Night Douche Kit. 53 00:07:40,040 --> 00:07:42,082 By the way, are you spending the night? 54 00:07:42,790 --> 00:07:45,540 Nope, I'm driving back. 55 00:07:45,625 --> 00:07:48,790 I still get very itchy when I'm in this town too long. 56 00:07:48,875 --> 00:07:50,665 Why didn't the prick call you and cancel? 57 00:07:50,750 --> 00:07:52,582 Suppose you'd driven all this way for nothing? 58 00:07:52,665 --> 00:07:54,332 Why do you keep calling him a prick? 59 00:07:54,415 --> 00:07:55,536 Who ever heard of an analyst 60 00:07:55,582 --> 00:07:58,625 having a session with a patient for two hours on a Saturday evening? 61 00:07:58,707 --> 00:08:01,500 He simply prefers to take Mondays off. 62 00:08:01,583 --> 00:08:04,458 He works late on Saturday taking Monday off? 63 00:08:04,540 --> 00:08:07,250 What is he, a psychiatrist or a hairdresser? 64 00:08:07,333 --> 00:08:08,665 Actually, he's both. 65 00:08:08,750 --> 00:08:11,083 He shrinks my head and then combs me out. 66 00:08:11,165 --> 00:08:15,415 Besides, I had to come in town for a birthday party anyway, right? 67 00:08:15,500 --> 00:08:17,332 Oh, you had to remind me. 68 00:08:17,415 --> 00:08:19,625 God, if there is one thing I'm not ready for, 69 00:08:19,707 --> 00:08:22,750 it is five screaming queens singing "Happy Birthday." 70 00:08:22,832 --> 00:08:25,790 - Who's coming? - I think you know everybody anyway. 71 00:08:25,875 --> 00:08:29,832 I mean, the same old tired fairies you've seen around since day one. 72 00:08:30,500 --> 00:08:31,500 Actually, you know what? 73 00:08:31,582 --> 00:08:34,415 There will be seven, counting Harold and you and me. 74 00:08:34,500 --> 00:08:37,082 Are you calling me a screaming queen or a tired fairy? 75 00:08:37,165 --> 00:08:38,500 Oh, I beg your pardon. 76 00:08:38,582 --> 00:08:41,250 There will be six tired, screaming fairy queens 77 00:08:41,332 --> 00:08:42,750 and one anxious queer. 78 00:08:43,832 --> 00:08:47,582 I'll be out of your way in a second. I've only got one more thing to do. 79 00:08:47,665 --> 00:08:50,125 Surgery? So early in the evening? 80 00:08:50,207 --> 00:08:51,415 Sunt. 81 00:08:51,500 --> 00:08:53,707 That's French with a cedilla. 82 00:08:53,790 --> 00:08:57,082 I've got to comb my hair for the 37th time. 83 00:08:57,165 --> 00:08:59,040 Hair, that's singular. 84 00:08:59,125 --> 00:09:03,207 My hair, without exaggeration, is clearly falling on the floor. 85 00:09:03,291 --> 00:09:05,791 You're totally paranoid. You've got plenty of hair. 86 00:09:05,875 --> 00:09:09,916 No, what you see before you is a masterpiece of deception. 87 00:09:10,000 --> 00:09:12,166 My hairline starts about here. 88 00:09:12,832 --> 00:09:15,375 All this is just tortured forward. 89 00:09:16,125 --> 00:09:17,125 Look. 90 00:09:18,500 --> 00:09:19,957 That's not good, huh? 91 00:09:20,916 --> 00:09:22,332 It's not the greatest. 92 00:09:24,000 --> 00:09:27,750 It's called getting old. 93 00:09:28,957 --> 00:09:33,040 Oh, well. One thing you can say for masturbation: 94 00:09:33,125 --> 00:09:35,250 you certainly don't have to look your best. 95 00:09:36,290 --> 00:09:40,375 So what are you so depressed about? I mean, other than the usual everything? 96 00:09:40,957 --> 00:09:43,707 I really don't want to get into it. 97 00:09:43,790 --> 00:09:46,375 Well, Donald, if you're not going to tell me, 98 00:09:46,457 --> 00:09:48,832 then how can we have a conversation in depth? 99 00:09:48,915 --> 00:09:51,540 A warm, rewarding, meaningful friendship. 100 00:09:51,625 --> 00:09:52,832 Up yours. 101 00:09:53,625 --> 00:09:58,125 It's just that today I finally realized I was raised to be a failure. 102 00:09:58,207 --> 00:09:59,500 I was groomed for it. 103 00:09:59,582 --> 00:10:03,041 Oh, Christ. How sick analysts must get 104 00:10:03,125 --> 00:10:06,375 of hearing how Mommy and Daddy made their darlin' into a fairy. 105 00:10:06,457 --> 00:10:08,707 It's beyond just that now. 106 00:10:08,791 --> 00:10:10,291 Today I finally began to see 107 00:10:10,375 --> 00:10:12,832 how some of the other pieces of the puzzle relate to them. 108 00:10:13,416 --> 00:10:16,250 My neurotic compulsion to not succeed. 109 00:10:17,500 --> 00:10:21,250 I realize it was always when I failed that Evelyn loved me the most. 110 00:10:22,207 --> 00:10:25,291 Because it displeased Walt, who wanted perfection. 111 00:10:26,125 --> 00:10:28,332 I began to fail on purpose to get love. 112 00:10:32,375 --> 00:10:34,875 Failure is the only thing with which I feel at home 113 00:10:34,957 --> 00:10:36,582 because it's what I was taught at home. 114 00:10:37,875 --> 00:10:38,875 No. 115 00:10:45,790 --> 00:10:49,375 What is more boring than a queen doing a Judy Garland imitation? 116 00:10:49,457 --> 00:10:51,750 A queen doing a Bette Davis imitation. 117 00:10:52,750 --> 00:10:53,915 Where'd you get that sweater? 118 00:10:54,000 --> 00:10:57,457 Oh, this clever little shop on the Right Bank called Hermès. 119 00:10:57,540 --> 00:10:58,832 I work my ass off 120 00:10:58,915 --> 00:11:02,000 for 45 lousy dollars a week, scrubbing floors, 121 00:11:02,082 --> 00:11:06,000 and you waltz around throwing cashmere sweaters on them. 122 00:11:06,082 --> 00:11:07,875 The one on the floor in the john is vicuña. 123 00:11:07,957 --> 00:11:09,875 Oh, I beg your pardon. 124 00:11:09,957 --> 00:11:11,832 You could get a job doing something else. 125 00:11:11,916 --> 00:11:15,000 Nobody holds a gun to your head to be a charwoman. 126 00:11:15,082 --> 00:11:17,041 That is, how you say, your neurosis. 127 00:11:17,125 --> 00:11:19,457 Gee, and I thought it's why I was born. 128 00:11:19,541 --> 00:11:22,625 Besides, just because I wear expensive clothes, 129 00:11:22,707 --> 00:11:24,291 doesn't mean they're paid for. 130 00:11:24,375 --> 00:11:27,707 That is, how you say, your neurosis. 131 00:11:28,332 --> 00:11:32,165 However, thanks to the silver screen, your neurosis has got style. 132 00:11:32,250 --> 00:11:37,000 It takes a certain flair to squander one's unemployment check at Joe Allen. 133 00:11:37,790 --> 00:11:40,915 What's so snappy about being head over heels in debt? 134 00:11:41,000 --> 00:11:42,415 The only thing smart about it 135 00:11:42,500 --> 00:11:45,832 is the ingenious ways I dodge the bill collectors. 136 00:11:46,332 --> 00:11:48,000 Yep, come to think of it, 137 00:11:48,707 --> 00:11:51,415 you're the type that gives faggots a bad name. 138 00:11:51,500 --> 00:11:54,625 Oh, and you, Donald, you are a credit to the homosexual. 139 00:11:54,707 --> 00:11:58,957 You're a reliable, hard-working, floor-scrubbing, bill-paying fag 140 00:11:59,040 --> 00:12:00,582 who don't owe nothing to nobody. 141 00:12:00,666 --> 00:12:03,207 I am a model fairy. 142 00:12:03,291 --> 00:12:04,832 You think it's just nifty 143 00:12:04,916 --> 00:12:11,250 how I've always flitted from Beverly Hills to Rome to Acapulco to Amsterdam, 144 00:12:11,332 --> 00:12:13,541 picking up a lot of one-night stands, 145 00:12:13,625 --> 00:12:16,082 a lot of custom-made duds along the trail? 146 00:12:16,707 --> 00:12:20,125 I'm here to tell you the only place in all those miles, 147 00:12:20,875 --> 00:12:25,000 the only place that I've ever been happy was on the goddamn plane. 148 00:12:26,416 --> 00:12:28,375 Run, charge. 149 00:12:28,457 --> 00:12:32,540 Run, buy, borrow, make, spend. 150 00:12:32,625 --> 00:12:35,707 Run, squander, beg. 151 00:12:35,790 --> 00:12:39,915 Run, run, run. Waste, waste… 152 00:12:40,750 --> 00:12:41,832 Waste. 153 00:12:43,165 --> 00:12:44,332 And why? 154 00:12:53,500 --> 00:12:54,957 Finis. Applause. 155 00:12:59,790 --> 00:13:02,000 - Hey. - Don't. You don't have to. 156 00:13:02,082 --> 00:13:03,207 Hey, come on. 157 00:13:06,750 --> 00:13:10,250 Oh, there's nothing quite as good as feeling sorry for yourself, is there? 158 00:13:10,332 --> 00:13:11,332 Nothing. 159 00:13:12,332 --> 00:13:13,332 Okay. 160 00:13:17,916 --> 00:13:20,666 I adore cheap sentiment. 161 00:13:57,375 --> 00:13:59,040 Backstage, Funny Girl. 162 00:13:59,125 --> 00:14:02,041 - Hi, it's Alan. - Alan? 163 00:14:02,125 --> 00:14:04,332 Oh, my God. 164 00:14:04,416 --> 00:14:08,000 Alan, oh, I don't believe it. How are you? Where are you? 165 00:14:08,082 --> 00:14:10,916 I'm here… on business. 166 00:14:11,000 --> 00:14:13,041 Listen, what are you doing tonight? 167 00:14:13,125 --> 00:14:16,832 Oh, I'm tied up tonight. Alan, tonight's no good for me. 168 00:14:16,916 --> 00:14:20,625 Oh, I'm tied up, too, but I thought I might just drop by for a drink. 169 00:14:21,832 --> 00:14:23,125 What, you mean now? 170 00:14:24,207 --> 00:14:26,500 Well, Alan, old boy, listen to me. 171 00:14:26,582 --> 00:14:29,666 It is a friend's birthday, and I am having a few people in. 172 00:14:29,750 --> 00:14:31,207 - Oh. - And I'm sorry 173 00:14:31,291 --> 00:14:33,875 I can't ask you to join us. It's just… 174 00:14:33,957 --> 00:14:36,207 It just wouldn't work out, kiddo, you know? 175 00:14:36,290 --> 00:14:38,582 And I'd hate to just see you for ten minutes 176 00:14:38,665 --> 00:14:41,000 - and then have to say goodbye. - Mickey, please? 177 00:14:42,665 --> 00:14:43,665 Alan? 178 00:14:44,665 --> 00:14:46,332 - Mickey? - Alan… 179 00:14:48,040 --> 00:14:48,875 What's wrong? 180 00:14:48,957 --> 00:14:50,915 I've gotta see you about something right away. 181 00:14:54,500 --> 00:14:56,040 Okay, Alan, come on over. 182 00:14:56,540 --> 00:14:58,000 No, it's perfectly all right. 183 00:14:58,082 --> 00:15:00,457 Just come on over, have a quick drink, 184 00:15:00,541 --> 00:15:03,041 - but-but hurry up. - Same old address? 185 00:15:03,125 --> 00:15:04,957 - Yeah. - Okay. 186 00:15:10,916 --> 00:15:12,000 Well… 187 00:15:13,541 --> 00:15:14,541 Am I stunning? 188 00:15:14,625 --> 00:15:16,166 You're absolutely stunning. 189 00:15:16,707 --> 00:15:19,332 You look like shit, but I'm absolutely stunned. 190 00:15:19,416 --> 00:15:22,582 Your grapes are, how you say, sour. Where's my drink? 191 00:15:22,666 --> 00:15:25,582 I didn't make it. My old roommate from Georgetown just called. 192 00:15:25,666 --> 00:15:27,791 - Alan what's-his-name? - McCarthy. 193 00:15:27,875 --> 00:15:30,500 He's up here from Washington on business or something, 194 00:15:30,582 --> 00:15:31,832 and he's on his way here. 195 00:15:31,916 --> 00:15:34,290 I hope he knows the lyrics to "Happy Birthday." 196 00:15:34,375 --> 00:15:37,915 Listen, asshole. What am I going to do? He's straight. 197 00:15:38,500 --> 00:15:41,582 What'll he feel about this freak show I've got booked for dinner? 198 00:15:41,665 --> 00:15:43,250 Ah, Christ, is that good. 199 00:15:43,332 --> 00:15:45,957 He absolutely lost his spring on the phone. 200 00:15:46,040 --> 00:15:48,915 He started crying, and that's not his style at all. 201 00:15:49,000 --> 00:15:51,125 Alan's so goddamned pulled together, 202 00:15:51,207 --> 00:15:53,540 he wouldn't show any emotion if he were in a plane crash. 203 00:15:53,625 --> 00:15:55,125 What am I going to do? 204 00:15:55,207 --> 00:15:57,790 Are you suddenly ashamed of your friends? 205 00:15:57,875 --> 00:16:02,207 Donald, you are the only person I know of whom I am truly ashamed. 206 00:16:02,291 --> 00:16:06,250 Some people have different standards from yours and mine, you know? 207 00:16:06,332 --> 00:16:08,541 And if we don't acknowledge them, 208 00:16:08,625 --> 00:16:12,375 then we're just as backward and narrow-minded as we think they are. 209 00:16:12,457 --> 00:16:14,957 You know what you are, Michael? You're a real person. 210 00:16:15,041 --> 00:16:16,791 Thank you. Fuck you. 211 00:16:19,707 --> 00:16:21,000 Do you want some cracked crab? 212 00:16:21,875 --> 00:16:23,125 No, thanks. 213 00:16:23,207 --> 00:16:26,500 How could you ever have been friends with a bore like that? 214 00:16:26,582 --> 00:16:29,457 Well, believe it or not, there was a time in my life 215 00:16:29,541 --> 00:16:32,707 when I didn't go around announcing that I was a faggot. 216 00:16:34,165 --> 00:16:37,707 That must have been before speech replaced sign language. 217 00:16:37,790 --> 00:16:41,790 Don't give me any static on that score. I didn't come out until I left college. 218 00:16:41,875 --> 00:16:44,290 Seems to me that the first time we tricked, 219 00:16:44,375 --> 00:16:48,207 we met in a gay bar on Third Avenue during your junior year. 220 00:16:48,290 --> 00:16:49,332 Cunt. 221 00:16:49,415 --> 00:16:50,790 Thought you'd never say it. 222 00:17:13,458 --> 00:17:14,583 Don't wait up. 223 00:17:18,833 --> 00:17:19,875 Hi, doll face. 224 00:17:20,625 --> 00:17:22,790 - You look cute. - Always. 225 00:17:22,875 --> 00:17:24,375 - Hello, Emory. - Hi. 226 00:17:25,208 --> 00:17:28,208 You know I hate coming between the two of you like this. 227 00:17:28,290 --> 00:17:29,750 That makes one of us. 228 00:17:32,208 --> 00:17:33,750 This is gonna be fun. 229 00:17:35,915 --> 00:17:37,250 Oh, great. 230 00:17:37,333 --> 00:17:39,415 Well, that's all we need, for it to rain. 231 00:17:39,500 --> 00:17:41,875 - You want some more club soda? - What? 232 00:17:41,958 --> 00:17:43,833 There's nothing but club soda in that glass. 233 00:17:43,915 --> 00:17:46,208 I've been watching you for several Saturdays. 234 00:17:46,290 --> 00:17:48,090 You've actually stopped drinking, haven't you? 235 00:17:48,125 --> 00:17:49,125 And smoking, too. 236 00:17:49,165 --> 00:17:50,790 - How long's it been? - Five weeks. 237 00:17:50,875 --> 00:17:53,000 - That's amazing. - I found God. 238 00:17:53,083 --> 00:17:55,540 - It is amazing. For you? - Or is God dead? 239 00:17:55,625 --> 00:17:59,000 I could always tell when you were getting high. One way. 240 00:17:59,083 --> 00:18:01,208 I'd get hostile. 241 00:18:02,290 --> 00:18:04,625 Hey, what made you stop? The analyst? 242 00:18:04,708 --> 00:18:08,040 Oh. He certainly had a lot to do with it. 243 00:18:08,125 --> 00:18:11,625 Mainly I didn't think I could get through another morning-after ick attack. 244 00:18:11,708 --> 00:18:12,833 Morning-after what? 245 00:18:12,915 --> 00:18:17,665 Icks! Anxiety, guilt, unfathomable guilt. 246 00:18:18,208 --> 00:18:20,165 From the second your eyes open and you say, 247 00:18:20,250 --> 00:18:21,958 "Oh, my God! What'd I do last night?" 248 00:18:22,040 --> 00:18:23,165 Mmm, tell me about it. 249 00:18:23,250 --> 00:18:26,125 And then that struggle to survive till lunch… 250 00:18:26,208 --> 00:18:28,083 - Mmm. - …where you have a double Bloody Mary. 251 00:18:28,165 --> 00:18:30,250 That is, if you've waited till lunch. 252 00:18:30,333 --> 00:18:34,208 And then you're half pissed again and useless for the rest of the afternoon. 253 00:18:34,290 --> 00:18:36,625 So you hang on till cocktail time, 254 00:18:36,708 --> 00:18:39,665 and by then, you're ready for whatever the night holds, 255 00:18:39,750 --> 00:18:41,625 which hopefully is another party, 256 00:18:41,708 --> 00:18:45,375 and that whole goddamn cycle starts all over again. 257 00:18:46,333 --> 00:18:49,500 Well, I have been on that merry-go-round long enough, 258 00:18:49,583 --> 00:18:53,583 and I either had to get off or die of centrifugal force. 259 00:18:55,125 --> 00:18:58,125 Oh, Joe College has finally arrived. 260 00:18:58,208 --> 00:18:59,915 All right, Donald, listen to me. 261 00:19:00,000 --> 00:19:03,833 Don't insult me by giving me any lecture on acceptable social behavior. 262 00:19:03,915 --> 00:19:04,915 I promise 263 00:19:04,958 --> 00:19:08,040 to sit with my legs spread apart and keep my voice in a deep register. 264 00:19:08,125 --> 00:19:11,415 Donald, you are a real card-carrying cunt. 265 00:19:18,625 --> 00:19:20,458 All right. This is a raid. 266 00:19:20,540 --> 00:19:23,958 Everybody's under arrest. 267 00:19:24,040 --> 00:19:26,833 Hello, darling. Connie Casserole. Oh, Mary, don't ask. 268 00:19:26,915 --> 00:19:29,625 Hi, Emory. Come on, you can put it in the kitchen. 269 00:19:29,708 --> 00:19:32,708 - Hi, Hank. Larry. - Who is this exotic woman? 270 00:19:32,790 --> 00:19:34,142 My dear, I thought you had perished! 271 00:19:34,165 --> 00:19:36,601 Where have you been hiding your classically chiseled features? 272 00:19:36,625 --> 00:19:38,208 I don't live in the city anymore. 273 00:19:38,290 --> 00:19:40,540 I'll take those. Emory, where's your present? 274 00:19:40,625 --> 00:19:42,208 It's arriving later. 275 00:19:43,000 --> 00:19:44,000 Larry. 276 00:19:45,125 --> 00:19:47,625 Larry. Larry! 277 00:19:47,708 --> 00:19:49,708 - What? - Give Michael the gift. 278 00:19:50,708 --> 00:19:52,750 Oh, here. 279 00:19:52,833 --> 00:19:55,165 Louder, so my mother in Philadelphia can hear you. 280 00:19:55,250 --> 00:19:57,058 - You were standing there in a trance. - Was I? 281 00:19:57,083 --> 00:20:00,208 - You both know Donald, don't you? - Sure. Nice to see you. 282 00:20:00,290 --> 00:20:01,708 - Hi. - Nice to meet you. 283 00:20:01,790 --> 00:20:03,790 Oh, I'm sorry. I thought you'd met. 284 00:20:03,875 --> 00:20:06,790 Well, we haven't exactly met, but we've… 285 00:20:07,750 --> 00:20:09,000 - Hi. - Hi. 286 00:20:10,665 --> 00:20:11,750 But you've what? 287 00:20:13,415 --> 00:20:14,875 Seen each other before. 288 00:20:15,625 --> 00:20:16,750 Oh, that sounds murky. 289 00:20:16,833 --> 00:20:18,593 You've never met, but you've seen each other. 290 00:20:18,665 --> 00:20:21,833 - What was wrong with the way I said it? - They're gonna have their first fight. 291 00:20:21,915 --> 00:20:23,665 The first one since we got out of the taxi. 292 00:20:23,750 --> 00:20:27,708 - Where did you find this trash? - Downstairs, leaning against a lamppost. 293 00:20:27,790 --> 00:20:29,250 With an orchid behind my ear 294 00:20:29,333 --> 00:20:31,625 and big, wet lips painted over the lip line. 295 00:20:32,708 --> 00:20:35,290 - Oh! Just like Maria Montez. - Oh, please. 296 00:20:35,375 --> 00:20:38,333 Hey, what have you got against Maria? She was a good woman. 297 00:20:38,415 --> 00:20:39,915 Hold on. Everybody, listen. 298 00:20:40,750 --> 00:20:42,915 This old college friend of mine is in town, 299 00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:45,750 and he's stopping by for a fast drink on his way to dinner, 300 00:20:45,833 --> 00:20:47,333 but he's straight, so… 301 00:20:47,415 --> 00:20:51,040 Straight? If he's the one I met, he's as straight as the yellow brick road. 302 00:20:51,125 --> 00:20:53,290 No, you met Justin Stuart. 303 00:20:53,875 --> 00:20:56,000 I don't remember meeting a Justin Stuart. 304 00:20:56,083 --> 00:20:59,083 - Of course you don't, dope. I met him. - This is someone else. 305 00:20:59,165 --> 00:21:03,125 Yes, Alan McCarthy, a very close total stranger. 306 00:21:03,208 --> 00:21:06,208 It is not that I care what he would think of me. Really. 307 00:21:06,290 --> 00:21:10,125 It's just he's not ready for it, you know, and he never will be. 308 00:21:10,915 --> 00:21:14,250 - You understand that, don't you, Hank? - Sure. 309 00:21:14,333 --> 00:21:16,101 Do you really think he doesn't know about you? 310 00:21:16,125 --> 00:21:18,875 If there is the slightest suspicion, he's never let on. 311 00:21:18,958 --> 00:21:20,790 What's he had, a lobotomy? 312 00:21:20,875 --> 00:21:23,958 Hey, I was super careful when I was in college, 313 00:21:24,040 --> 00:21:26,083 and I still am whenever I see him. 314 00:21:26,165 --> 00:21:28,708 - I don't know why, but I am. - Tilt. 315 00:21:28,790 --> 00:21:32,000 I was just like Alan when I was in college. 316 00:21:32,083 --> 00:21:34,500 I was very large in the dating department. 317 00:21:34,583 --> 00:21:38,750 I wore nothing but those constipated Ivy League clothes, 318 00:21:38,833 --> 00:21:41,458 and those, oh, ten-pound cordovan shoes. 319 00:21:45,958 --> 00:21:48,040 - No offense. - Quite all right. 320 00:21:48,125 --> 00:21:52,208 I butched it up quite a bit, and I didn't think I was lying to myself. 321 00:21:52,290 --> 00:21:54,290 I really thought I was straight. 322 00:21:54,375 --> 00:21:57,208 I know damn well I did not come out until after I graduated. 323 00:21:57,290 --> 00:21:59,083 What about all those weekends up from school? 324 00:21:59,165 --> 00:22:01,040 Oh. I still wasn't out. 325 00:22:01,125 --> 00:22:04,125 I was still in the Christ-was-I-drunk-last-night syndrome. 326 00:22:04,208 --> 00:22:07,750 "Christ, I was so drunk last night, I don't remember a thing." 327 00:22:07,833 --> 00:22:08,665 That's it. 328 00:22:08,750 --> 00:22:10,708 You were just guilty because you were Catholic. 329 00:22:10,790 --> 00:22:12,375 - That's all. - That is not true. 330 00:22:12,458 --> 00:22:16,583 The Christ-was-I-drunk-last-night syndrome knows no religion, 331 00:22:16,665 --> 00:22:19,290 although there's a high percentage of it among Mormons. 332 00:22:19,875 --> 00:22:22,540 Who do you have to fuck to get a drink around here? 333 00:22:22,625 --> 00:22:24,375 Will you light somewhere? 334 00:22:24,458 --> 00:22:29,208 We all somehow managed to justify our actions in those days. 335 00:22:29,290 --> 00:22:33,290 You know, I later found out even Justin Stuart, my closest friend... 336 00:22:33,375 --> 00:22:34,500 Other than Alan McCarthy. 337 00:22:34,583 --> 00:22:37,375 Zip it. He was doing the same thing. 338 00:22:37,458 --> 00:22:40,165 Only Justin was going to Boston on weekends. 339 00:22:40,250 --> 00:22:43,165 You see, in the Christ-was-I-drunk-last-night syndrome, 340 00:22:43,250 --> 00:22:45,540 you really are drunk. That part of it is true. 341 00:22:45,625 --> 00:22:49,415 It's just you also do remember everything. 342 00:22:50,000 --> 00:22:53,083 Well, a lot of guys have to get loaded to have sex. 343 00:22:54,665 --> 00:22:56,375 So I've been told. 344 00:22:56,458 --> 00:22:58,708 Donald… 345 00:22:58,790 --> 00:23:00,915 …if you remember, the first time we made it, 346 00:23:01,000 --> 00:23:03,625 I was so drunk I could hardly stand up. 347 00:23:03,708 --> 00:23:06,165 You were so drunk, you could hardly get it up. 348 00:23:07,833 --> 00:23:11,790 - Christ, I was so drunk, I don't remember. - Oh, bullshit. You remember. 349 00:23:11,875 --> 00:23:14,375 Oh, Jesus. All right, that's Alan. 350 00:23:14,458 --> 00:23:17,958 Please, everyone do me a favor. Cool it for the few minutes he's here. 351 00:23:18,040 --> 00:23:19,833 Anything for a sis, Mary. 352 00:23:19,915 --> 00:23:21,000 Emory, no! 353 00:23:21,083 --> 00:23:23,958 I'm sorry, but that is exactly what I'm talking about. 354 00:23:24,040 --> 00:23:26,000 - No camping. - Sorry. 355 00:23:26,083 --> 00:23:28,415 Think the Giants are gonna win the pennant this year? 356 00:23:28,500 --> 00:23:30,458 Fuckin' A, Mac. 357 00:23:31,415 --> 00:23:34,125 - Oh, hey, Bernard. - Hey, baby. 358 00:23:34,208 --> 00:23:37,500 I'll take these. Everyone's outside. You can put your present with the others. 359 00:23:37,583 --> 00:23:39,415 Oh, it's only another queen! 360 00:23:39,500 --> 00:23:42,583 - And it ain't the red one either. - It's the queen of spades! 361 00:23:42,665 --> 00:23:45,083 Anybody ever tell you you'd look divine in a hammock, 362 00:23:45,165 --> 00:23:49,333 surrounded by louvers and ceiling fans and lots and lots of lush tropical ferns? 363 00:23:49,415 --> 00:23:52,208 You're such a fag. You take the cake. Up! 364 00:23:52,290 --> 00:23:55,625 - What about the cake? Whose job was that? - Mine. I ordered it to be delivered. 365 00:23:55,708 --> 00:23:58,000 How many candles did you say to put on it? 80? 366 00:23:58,083 --> 00:24:00,915 Wait, Alan. There's too much noise. I'll get another phone. 367 00:24:01,000 --> 00:24:02,500 - Michael, did the cake come? - No. 368 00:24:02,583 --> 00:24:04,833 - Oh, God. Can I use your private line? - Sure. 369 00:24:04,915 --> 00:24:08,375 Listen, everybody, there is some cracked crab out there. Help yourselves. 370 00:24:08,458 --> 00:24:11,290 Can I have the number for the Marseilles Bakery in Manhattan, please? 371 00:24:11,375 --> 00:24:13,415 - Is everybody ready for a drink? - Yeah! 372 00:24:13,500 --> 00:24:16,165 Ready? I'll be your topless cocktail waitress. 373 00:24:16,250 --> 00:24:18,375 Please, spare us the sight of your sagging tits. 374 00:24:18,458 --> 00:24:19,665 What are you having, kids? 375 00:24:19,750 --> 00:24:21,665 - Is there any beer? - Oh, in the fridge. 376 00:24:21,750 --> 00:24:23,290 - I'll get it. - Beer? 377 00:24:23,375 --> 00:24:26,165 - Who drinks beer before dinner? - Beer drinkers. 378 00:24:26,250 --> 00:24:30,625 How can a sensitive artist like you live with an insensitive bull like that? 379 00:24:30,708 --> 00:24:32,540 I can't. 380 00:24:32,625 --> 00:24:33,915 Well, here's hoping. 381 00:24:34,000 --> 00:24:38,415 Alan, don't be silly. There's nothing to apologize for. 382 00:24:38,500 --> 00:24:40,583 It's just that I feel like such a fool. 383 00:24:40,665 --> 00:24:44,833 I can shoot myself for letting myself act that way. 384 00:24:44,915 --> 00:24:47,833 Look, it is just as well. I have people over. 385 00:24:47,915 --> 00:24:50,040 It wouldn't be a good time to talk. 386 00:24:50,125 --> 00:24:53,708 Hey, what about this? What if we do lunch tomorrow? 387 00:24:53,790 --> 00:24:57,708 Sure. Why don't you meet me at the Oak Room at about one o'clock? 388 00:24:57,790 --> 00:24:59,415 That sounds perfect. 389 00:24:59,500 --> 00:25:03,415 And listen, Michael, can you just forget about tonight? 390 00:25:04,750 --> 00:25:06,083 Pretend it never happened? 391 00:25:06,583 --> 00:25:08,458 Alan, done. It's forgotten. 392 00:25:08,540 --> 00:25:10,333 - I'll see you tomorrow? - Great. 393 00:25:18,040 --> 00:25:21,375 Yeah, baby! Let's hear that sound! Whoo! 394 00:25:21,458 --> 00:25:24,250 A drumbeat and their eyes sparkle like Cartier. 395 00:25:24,333 --> 00:25:25,333 Terrible. 396 00:25:26,750 --> 00:25:28,665 Wow, thanks, Bernard. 397 00:25:28,750 --> 00:25:30,708 It's like you stock up for the whole summer. 398 00:25:30,790 --> 00:25:32,915 You kidding? That'll last him two days. 399 00:25:33,790 --> 00:25:36,083 - Well, he's not coming. - Oh! 400 00:25:36,165 --> 00:25:38,375 Some people eat, some people drink, some take dope. 401 00:25:38,458 --> 00:25:42,500 - I read. - Yeah, and read, read, read. 402 00:25:42,583 --> 00:25:44,517 It's a wonder your eyes don't turn back into your head 403 00:25:44,540 --> 00:25:47,875 - at the sight of a dust jacket. - At least he's a constructive escapist. 404 00:25:47,958 --> 00:25:51,500 Oh, that's true. What do I do? I take planes. 405 00:25:51,583 --> 00:25:53,208 No. No, I don't do that anymore 406 00:25:53,290 --> 00:25:56,250 because I don't have the money to do that anymore. 407 00:25:56,333 --> 00:25:58,750 I go to the baths. That's about it. 408 00:25:58,833 --> 00:26:01,333 I'm about to do both. I'm flying to the West Coast. 409 00:26:01,415 --> 00:26:03,415 You still got that act with the donkey in Tijuana? 410 00:26:04,540 --> 00:26:07,708 I'm going to San Francisco on a well-earned vacation. 411 00:26:07,790 --> 00:26:08,911 I'm going to the Club Baths, 412 00:26:08,958 --> 00:26:13,333 and I'm not leaving till they announce the departure of TWA one week later. 413 00:26:13,415 --> 00:26:15,392 You'll never learn to stay out of the baths, will you? 414 00:26:15,415 --> 00:26:18,208 - Bernard, don't… Bernard! - The last time Emily took the vapors, 415 00:26:18,290 --> 00:26:20,915 this big hairy number strolled in. 416 00:26:21,000 --> 00:26:22,790 So Emory says, "I'm just resting." 417 00:26:22,875 --> 00:26:25,875 Big hairy number said, "Oh, I'm just arresting." 418 00:26:25,958 --> 00:26:27,708 - It was the vice. - Emory! 419 00:26:27,790 --> 00:26:30,625 You have to tell everything, don't you? Thanks, honey. 420 00:26:31,208 --> 00:26:32,583 You live with your parents? 421 00:26:33,290 --> 00:26:35,250 Yeah, but it's all right, they're gay. 422 00:26:38,958 --> 00:26:40,540 Thought that was funny, Hank? 423 00:26:46,000 --> 00:26:47,375 What happened to Alan? 424 00:26:47,458 --> 00:26:52,000 Oh, he suddenly got terrible icks about having broken down on the phone. 425 00:26:52,083 --> 00:26:54,375 Kept apologizing over and over. 426 00:26:54,458 --> 00:26:56,290 Did this big about-face, 427 00:26:56,375 --> 00:27:00,250 reverted to the old Alan right before my very eyes. 428 00:27:00,333 --> 00:27:02,165 - Ears. - Ears. 429 00:27:02,250 --> 00:27:05,208 Well, the cracked crab obviously did not work out. 430 00:27:05,290 --> 00:27:07,351 I don't know why everyone has such an aversion to it. 431 00:27:07,375 --> 00:27:10,290 Sometimes you remind me of the Chinese water torture. 432 00:27:10,915 --> 00:27:12,583 No. No, I take that back. 433 00:27:12,665 --> 00:27:16,375 Sometimes you remind me of the relentless Chinese water torture. 434 00:27:17,000 --> 00:27:19,708 - Bitch. - Whoo! Whoo! 435 00:27:20,500 --> 00:27:23,625 - Wonder where Harold is. - Yeah, where is the frozen fruit? 436 00:27:24,208 --> 00:27:26,208 Emory refers to Harold as the frozen fruit 437 00:27:26,290 --> 00:27:28,833 because of his former profession as an ice skater. 438 00:27:28,915 --> 00:27:30,208 Whoo! 439 00:27:31,458 --> 00:27:32,938 You know he's out here looking rough. 440 00:27:35,000 --> 00:27:37,665 If your mother could see you now, she'd have a stroke. 441 00:27:37,750 --> 00:27:39,833 Got a camera on you? 442 00:27:39,915 --> 00:27:42,625 Oh, my God, it's Lily Law. Everybody, three feet apart. 443 00:27:42,708 --> 00:27:44,333 It's probably Harold now. 444 00:27:47,375 --> 00:27:49,583 No, it's the delivery boy from the bakery. 445 00:27:49,665 --> 00:27:52,290 - Oh, thank God. - Ask him if he's got any hot cross buns! 446 00:27:56,375 --> 00:27:57,958 Come on, Emory. Knock it off. 447 00:27:58,750 --> 00:28:00,750 You can take her anywhere but out. 448 00:28:01,375 --> 00:28:03,583 You remind me of an old maid school teacher. 449 00:28:03,665 --> 00:28:05,290 You remind me of a chicken wing. 450 00:28:06,000 --> 00:28:09,040 - I'm sure you meant that as a compliment. - Good evening. 451 00:28:15,500 --> 00:28:18,333 Hey, Bernard, remember that thing we used to do on Fire Island? 452 00:28:18,415 --> 00:28:21,708 Whoo! That was in so far back, I think I've forgotten. 453 00:28:21,790 --> 00:28:23,583 I remember. 454 00:28:23,665 --> 00:28:25,415 - Baby, come on, follow. - What is it? 455 00:28:25,500 --> 00:28:28,165 - It goes swing, swing. Hook, hook. - Yeah. Yeah. Yeah! 456 00:28:28,250 --> 00:28:31,083 Milk the cow, milk the cow, milk the cow… 457 00:28:31,165 --> 00:28:33,208 You gotta swing it. You gotta hit it. 458 00:28:35,790 --> 00:28:38,915 Look, it's the Geriatric Rockettes! Here we go. 459 00:29:07,375 --> 00:29:10,165 - Come on, Donald. Donald. - No, God. 460 00:29:54,790 --> 00:29:56,790 - God damn it, Hank! - Why would you... 461 00:30:03,500 --> 00:30:06,583 I thought… I'm… You said that you weren't coming. 462 00:30:06,665 --> 00:30:08,290 Well, I'm sorry. 463 00:30:10,083 --> 00:30:12,458 Well, we were just acting silly. 464 00:30:13,958 --> 00:30:16,458 When I called, I was at a phone booth around the corner. 465 00:30:16,540 --> 00:30:18,083 My dinner party isn't far from here. 466 00:30:18,165 --> 00:30:21,040 Emory was showing us this silly dance. 467 00:30:21,125 --> 00:30:23,250 I walked past, and your downstairs door was open. 468 00:30:23,333 --> 00:30:24,375 This is Emory. 469 00:30:27,750 --> 00:30:29,125 Everybody, this is Alan McCarthy. 470 00:30:29,208 --> 00:30:34,165 Alan, counterclockwise, we have Larry, Bernard, Donald, Emory and Hank. 471 00:30:34,250 --> 00:30:35,500 - Nice to meet you. - Hi. 472 00:30:35,583 --> 00:30:38,583 - Would you like a drink? - Thanks, no. I-I can't stay long. 473 00:30:38,665 --> 00:30:41,250 You're here now, so stay. What would you like? 474 00:30:41,333 --> 00:30:42,665 - Scotch, please. - Scotch. 475 00:30:42,750 --> 00:30:44,583 - I'll get it. - Thank you. 476 00:30:49,875 --> 00:30:52,375 Guess I'm the only beer drinker. 477 00:30:53,040 --> 00:30:54,875 Whose, uh, birthday is it? 478 00:30:54,958 --> 00:30:56,750 - Harold's. - Harold? 479 00:30:56,833 --> 00:30:59,583 - He's not here yet. - She's never been on time in her li... 480 00:31:01,915 --> 00:31:05,040 He's… never been on time in his life. 481 00:31:05,125 --> 00:31:09,875 Hank, Alan is from Washington. We went to college together, Georgetown. 482 00:31:09,958 --> 00:31:10,958 - Ah. - Yeah. 483 00:31:13,125 --> 00:31:14,750 Well, isn't that fascinating? 484 00:31:14,833 --> 00:31:17,415 If that's too strong, I'll put some water in it for you. 485 00:31:18,958 --> 00:31:20,750 It's fine, thanks. Fine. 486 00:31:22,875 --> 00:31:25,665 - You in the government, Alan? - No, I'm a lawyer. 487 00:31:25,750 --> 00:31:27,500 - What do you do? - I teach school. 488 00:31:27,583 --> 00:31:30,415 Oh. Would have taken you for an athlete of some sort. 489 00:31:33,458 --> 00:31:35,250 You look like you might play sports. 490 00:31:35,333 --> 00:31:39,000 Well, I'm no professional, but I was on the basketball team in college. 491 00:31:39,083 --> 00:31:41,165 - Played quite a bit of tennis. - I play tennis, too. 492 00:31:41,250 --> 00:31:43,290 - Great game. It is, yeah. - Yeah, great. 493 00:31:45,165 --> 00:31:46,625 - What do you teach? - Math. 494 00:31:46,708 --> 00:31:47,958 - Math? - Yeah. 495 00:31:48,540 --> 00:31:49,540 Math. 496 00:31:51,290 --> 00:31:55,040 Kind of makes you want to rush out and buy a slide rule, doesn't it? 497 00:31:56,040 --> 00:31:57,790 Emory, I need help in the kitchen. 498 00:31:57,875 --> 00:32:00,040 - You're elected. Come on. - I'm always elected. 499 00:32:00,125 --> 00:32:02,958 - You're a natural-born domestic. - Said the African queen! 500 00:32:03,040 --> 00:32:05,290 You come, too. Fan me while I make the salad dressing. 501 00:32:05,375 --> 00:32:07,125 This way, Emory. 502 00:32:11,750 --> 00:32:12,789 Why don't we all sit down? 503 00:32:12,833 --> 00:32:13,915 - Sure. - Yeah. 504 00:32:24,165 --> 00:32:26,583 I feel terrible barging in on you fellas this way. 505 00:32:26,665 --> 00:32:27,540 Ah, that's okay. 506 00:32:27,625 --> 00:32:30,790 - How've you been? - Fine, thanks. And you? 507 00:32:33,375 --> 00:32:34,415 You married? 508 00:32:35,750 --> 00:32:37,500 - What? - I see you're married. 509 00:32:37,583 --> 00:32:38,750 Oh. 510 00:32:38,833 --> 00:32:42,333 Yes, Hank is married. Donald, cope with some ice. 511 00:32:44,540 --> 00:32:46,458 - Do you have any kids? - Yes, two. 512 00:32:46,540 --> 00:32:47,915 A boy, nine. A girl, seven. 513 00:32:48,500 --> 00:32:51,708 You should see my boy play tennis. Really puts his dad to shame. 514 00:32:51,790 --> 00:32:53,958 - I have two kids, too. Both girls. - Great. 515 00:32:54,708 --> 00:32:57,458 - How are the girls, Alan? - Oh, just sensational. 516 00:32:57,540 --> 00:32:59,708 - Yeah? - They're something, those kids. 517 00:32:59,790 --> 00:33:01,750 God, I'm-I'm nuts about them. 518 00:33:03,125 --> 00:33:04,915 - How long you been married? - Nine years. 519 00:33:05,000 --> 00:33:06,375 Ah! 520 00:33:06,458 --> 00:33:08,625 - Can you believe it, Mickey? - No. 521 00:33:09,208 --> 00:33:11,708 Mickey used to go with my wife when we were all in school. 522 00:33:11,790 --> 00:33:13,415 Can you believe that? 523 00:33:13,500 --> 00:33:16,125 Oh, Lord. Sorry. 524 00:33:21,208 --> 00:33:22,500 You live in the city? 525 00:33:23,250 --> 00:33:26,000 Yes, we do. 526 00:33:30,958 --> 00:33:31,958 Oh! 527 00:33:32,458 --> 00:33:34,625 I'm in the process of getting a divorce. 528 00:33:35,125 --> 00:33:38,665 - Larry and I are roommates at the moment. - Yes, they're roommates. 529 00:33:39,958 --> 00:33:42,208 Oh, I'm very sorry. I mean... 530 00:33:42,290 --> 00:33:43,915 - No, I understand. - Mmm. 531 00:33:48,040 --> 00:33:50,790 - I think I'd like another. - Of course. I'm so sorry. 532 00:33:55,125 --> 00:33:56,290 Can I help you, Alan? 533 00:33:56,958 --> 00:33:58,040 Uh… 534 00:33:59,583 --> 00:34:01,165 Can't seem to find the scotch. 535 00:34:02,000 --> 00:34:03,165 It's in your hand. 536 00:34:03,250 --> 00:34:04,875 Oh. 537 00:34:04,958 --> 00:34:06,208 Of course. How stupid of me. 538 00:34:06,290 --> 00:34:08,791 - Why don't you let me do that for you? - Thank you. 539 00:34:08,875 --> 00:34:12,833 - Where the hell could Harold be? - Oh, he's always late. 540 00:34:12,916 --> 00:34:15,291 You know how neurotic he can be about going out in public. 541 00:34:15,375 --> 00:34:16,791 Takes him hours to get ready. 542 00:34:16,875 --> 00:34:18,708 - Why is that? - Why is what? 543 00:34:18,791 --> 00:34:21,958 Why does it take Harold hours to get ready before he can go out? 544 00:34:22,750 --> 00:34:24,541 Because she's a sick lady. That's why. 545 00:34:24,625 --> 00:34:26,708 Alan, why don't we go upstairs and talk? 546 00:34:26,791 --> 00:34:28,583 I'm just gonna finish this and go. 547 00:34:28,666 --> 00:34:30,833 Come on. You can bring your drink. 548 00:34:31,750 --> 00:34:33,791 - I-I finished it. - Here. 549 00:34:40,291 --> 00:34:43,583 - Excuse me. We'll be down in a minute. - Oh, he'll still be here. 550 00:34:44,875 --> 00:34:46,625 - Come on. This way, Alan. - Sure. 551 00:34:54,375 --> 00:34:55,614 What was that supposed to mean? 552 00:34:55,666 --> 00:34:57,791 - What was what supposed to mean? - You know. 553 00:34:58,875 --> 00:35:00,375 - Do you want another beer? - No. 554 00:35:02,208 --> 00:35:03,625 You're jealous, aren't you? 555 00:35:03,708 --> 00:35:05,833 I'm Larry. 556 00:35:06,958 --> 00:35:08,166 You're jealous. 557 00:35:10,375 --> 00:35:12,534 So, Donald, where have you been hanging out these days? 558 00:35:12,583 --> 00:35:14,333 I haven't seen you in a long time. 559 00:35:19,666 --> 00:35:21,125 Alan… 560 00:35:23,291 --> 00:35:26,833 I want to try to explain something about this evening. 561 00:35:26,916 --> 00:35:29,291 What's to explain? Sometimes you just… 562 00:35:29,375 --> 00:35:31,583 Can't invite everybody to every party, and… 563 00:35:32,166 --> 00:35:34,458 Some people take it personally, but not me. 564 00:35:34,541 --> 00:35:36,791 I should apologize for inviting myself. 565 00:35:36,875 --> 00:35:38,958 That is not exactly what I meant. 566 00:35:39,666 --> 00:35:42,250 Your friends seem like awfully nice guys. 567 00:35:43,041 --> 00:35:44,958 That Hank is a very attractive fellow. 568 00:35:45,541 --> 00:35:46,666 Yes, he is. 569 00:35:47,500 --> 00:35:50,083 - What's his roommate's name? - Uh, Larry. 570 00:35:50,166 --> 00:35:51,166 What does he do? 571 00:35:52,166 --> 00:35:53,708 He's a commercial artist. 572 00:35:53,791 --> 00:35:56,291 I liked Donald, too. 573 00:35:59,583 --> 00:36:01,916 The only one I didn't care for too much was… 574 00:36:02,625 --> 00:36:04,041 What's his name? Emory? 575 00:36:04,125 --> 00:36:05,916 Yes, Emory. 576 00:36:06,541 --> 00:36:09,125 Just can't stand that kind of talk. It grates on me. 577 00:36:13,541 --> 00:36:15,333 What kind of talk, Alan? 578 00:36:15,416 --> 00:36:19,458 Oh, you know, his… brand of humor, I guess. 579 00:36:19,541 --> 00:36:22,250 He can be really quite funny sometimes. 580 00:36:22,333 --> 00:36:25,291 I suppose, if you find that sort of thing amusing. He just… 581 00:36:26,083 --> 00:36:28,458 Seems like such a goddamn little pansy. 582 00:36:31,583 --> 00:36:34,333 I'm sorry I said that. I didn't mean to say that. That's… 583 00:36:35,541 --> 00:36:38,083 Such an awful thing to say about anyone. 584 00:36:38,958 --> 00:36:40,750 But you know what I mean, Michael. 585 00:36:41,458 --> 00:36:43,375 You have to admit he is effeminate. 586 00:36:45,000 --> 00:36:47,000 - He is a bit. - A bit? 587 00:36:48,125 --> 00:36:50,083 He's like a butterfly in heat. 588 00:36:51,416 --> 00:36:54,083 There's no wonder he was teaching you all to dance. 589 00:36:54,875 --> 00:36:57,166 He probably wanted to dance with you. 590 00:37:01,333 --> 00:37:03,416 Oh, come on, man. You know me. 591 00:37:04,625 --> 00:37:08,458 You know how I feel. Your private life is your own affair. 592 00:37:09,291 --> 00:37:11,416 No, I don't know that about you, Alan. 593 00:37:11,500 --> 00:37:12,500 I-I… 594 00:37:13,291 --> 00:37:15,766 Don't care what people do as long as they don't do it in public 595 00:37:15,791 --> 00:37:18,083 or try to force their ways on the whole world. 596 00:37:18,166 --> 00:37:20,208 What were you crying about on the telephone? 597 00:37:20,291 --> 00:37:24,333 All I... All I can say is please forgive me for making… 598 00:37:25,166 --> 00:37:26,750 Such an ass of myself. 599 00:37:26,833 --> 00:37:29,141 You must have been upset or you wouldn't have said you were 600 00:37:29,166 --> 00:37:31,125 and that you wanted to see me, you had to see me. 601 00:37:31,208 --> 00:37:33,608 - Michael, please. - Is something wrong between you and Fran? 602 00:37:33,666 --> 00:37:35,166 Listen, I've really gotta go. 603 00:37:35,250 --> 00:37:36,333 Why are you in New York? 604 00:37:36,416 --> 00:37:38,916 - Late for this dinner. - Whose dinner? Where are you going? 605 00:37:39,000 --> 00:37:40,250 - Is that the loo? - Yes. 606 00:37:40,791 --> 00:37:41,958 Excuse me. 607 00:37:50,791 --> 00:37:53,333 What's going on in here? Oh, Mary, don't ask. 608 00:37:53,916 --> 00:37:55,875 Hank, why don't you come and join us? 609 00:37:56,916 --> 00:37:59,958 That's an interesting suggestion. Whose idea is that? 610 00:38:00,583 --> 00:38:02,583 Mine. 611 00:38:02,666 --> 00:38:04,458 He means in conversation. 612 00:38:04,541 --> 00:38:08,291 - Where are the rest of the wine glasses? - I's working as fast as I can. 613 00:38:09,916 --> 00:38:11,666 - To your health. - Up yours. 614 00:38:12,500 --> 00:38:13,583 Up my health? 615 00:38:14,166 --> 00:38:16,625 - Where's the gent? - He's in the gent's room. 616 00:38:16,708 --> 00:38:18,875 If you can all hang on for five more minutes, 617 00:38:18,958 --> 00:38:20,208 he's about to leave. 618 00:38:20,291 --> 00:38:22,083 Well, at last. 619 00:38:35,916 --> 00:38:37,000 Oh! 620 00:38:40,625 --> 00:38:42,083 Who the hell are you? 621 00:38:42,166 --> 00:38:44,833 She's Harold's present from me and she's early, 622 00:38:44,916 --> 00:38:47,458 and that's not even Harold, you idiot! 623 00:38:47,541 --> 00:38:49,208 You said whoever answered the door. 624 00:38:49,875 --> 00:38:53,666 But not until midnight. He's supposed to be a midnight cowboy. 625 00:38:54,833 --> 00:38:57,666 He looks right out of the chorus of a bus-and-truck Oklahoma! 626 00:38:57,750 --> 00:39:01,041 Not until midnight, and you're supposed to sing to the right person. 627 00:39:01,125 --> 00:39:05,083 I told you Harold has very tight, tight, black curly hair. 628 00:39:05,166 --> 00:39:07,041 This number's practically bald. 629 00:39:07,125 --> 00:39:09,291 Thank you, and fuck you! 630 00:39:09,375 --> 00:39:10,875 Good thing I didn't open the door. 631 00:39:10,958 --> 00:39:13,958 Not that tight and not that black. 632 00:39:14,041 --> 00:39:15,083 I-I forgot. 633 00:39:15,583 --> 00:39:17,666 Besides, I wanted to get to the bars by midnight. 634 00:39:17,750 --> 00:39:20,000 Oh, he's a class act all the way around. 635 00:39:20,083 --> 00:39:21,708 What do you mean, "get to the bars"? 636 00:39:21,791 --> 00:39:24,041 Sweetie, I paid you for the whole night, remember? 637 00:39:24,125 --> 00:39:27,291 I hurt my back doing my exercises, and I wanted to get to bed early. 638 00:39:27,375 --> 00:39:29,875 Well, that's too bad. What happened? 639 00:39:29,958 --> 00:39:32,291 I lost my grip doing my chin-ups, 640 00:39:32,375 --> 00:39:34,333 and I fell on my heels and twisted my back. 641 00:39:34,416 --> 00:39:36,458 You shouldn't wear heels when you do chin-ups! 642 00:39:38,833 --> 00:39:41,833 I shouldn't do chin-ups. I got a weak grip. 643 00:39:41,916 --> 00:39:44,833 Aw, weak grip. In my day, it used to be called a limp wrist. 644 00:39:44,916 --> 00:39:46,625 Who can remember that far back? 645 00:39:46,708 --> 00:39:49,666 - What's your card say? - Here. Read it. 646 00:39:52,708 --> 00:39:56,000 "Dear Harold, bang-bang. You're alive." 647 00:39:56,083 --> 00:39:58,583 "Now roll over and play dead." 648 00:39:58,666 --> 00:40:01,125 "Happy Birthday, Emory." 649 00:40:01,208 --> 00:40:02,958 Sheer poetry, Emmy. 650 00:40:03,041 --> 00:40:05,083 And in your usual good taste. 651 00:40:05,166 --> 00:40:08,333 So conservative of you to resist a sign in Times Square. 652 00:40:10,541 --> 00:40:14,291 - Cheese it, here comes the socialite nun. - Shit. God damn it, Emory. 653 00:40:17,916 --> 00:40:20,458 Well, I'm off. Thanks, Michael, for the drink. 654 00:40:20,541 --> 00:40:23,041 Oh, you're entirely welcome. So I'll see you tomorrow? 655 00:40:23,125 --> 00:40:27,208 No. No, I think I'm gonna be awfully busy. Might even go back to Washington. 656 00:40:27,291 --> 00:40:30,125 Got a heavy date in Lafayette Square? 657 00:40:30,208 --> 00:40:31,625 - What? - Emory. 658 00:40:34,000 --> 00:40:35,041 Forget it. 659 00:40:37,000 --> 00:40:38,208 Are you Harold? 660 00:40:38,291 --> 00:40:41,083 No, he's not Harold. He's for Harold. 661 00:40:44,750 --> 00:40:48,000 - Goodbye, Hank. It was nice to meet you. - Same here, Alan. 662 00:40:48,083 --> 00:40:50,184 If you're in Washington, I'd like you to meet my wife. 663 00:40:50,208 --> 00:40:52,250 That'd be fun. Wouldn't it, Hank? 664 00:40:52,333 --> 00:40:54,833 Yeah, I'm sure they'd love to meet him… 665 00:40:54,916 --> 00:40:56,083 Her. 666 00:40:57,333 --> 00:41:00,791 I have such a problem with pronouns. 667 00:41:00,875 --> 00:41:02,833 How many S's are in the word pronoun? 668 00:41:04,625 --> 00:41:07,791 How'd you like to kiss my ass? That's got two more S's in it. 669 00:41:08,833 --> 00:41:10,750 - How'd you like to blow me? - Mmm. 670 00:41:11,583 --> 00:41:13,750 What's wrong with your wife? She got lockjaw? 671 00:41:13,833 --> 00:41:15,750 Faggot! Fairy! 672 00:41:18,500 --> 00:41:20,791 - Emory! - You goddamn freak. 673 00:41:28,041 --> 00:41:31,125 Motherfucker! I'll kill you, you son of a bitch! 674 00:41:38,250 --> 00:41:40,416 Fucking faggot! Faggot! 675 00:41:41,166 --> 00:41:42,416 - Get some ice! - Freak! 676 00:41:42,500 --> 00:41:44,208 What the hell is wrong with you, huh? 677 00:41:45,583 --> 00:41:46,625 Just relax. 678 00:41:46,708 --> 00:41:48,833 He just busted your lip, love. Larry? 679 00:41:48,916 --> 00:41:50,291 Here. 680 00:41:51,875 --> 00:41:53,583 - Jesus. - Damn it. 681 00:42:00,166 --> 00:42:02,208 Do you mind waiting over there with the gifts? 682 00:42:08,208 --> 00:42:11,375 Well, Harold! Happy birthday. 683 00:42:11,916 --> 00:42:13,625 You're just in time for the floor show, 684 00:42:14,208 --> 00:42:17,000 which you can see is on the floor. 685 00:42:17,083 --> 00:42:19,333 Hey, you, this is Harold. 686 00:43:06,500 --> 00:43:08,250 What's so fucking funny? 687 00:43:13,166 --> 00:43:14,166 Life. 688 00:43:15,750 --> 00:43:19,375 Life is a goddamned laugh riot. You remember life? 689 00:43:19,458 --> 00:43:21,666 - You're stoned. - Happy birthday, Harold. 690 00:43:21,750 --> 00:43:23,750 You're stoned, and you're late. 691 00:43:23,833 --> 00:43:25,552 You were supposed to arrive at this location 692 00:43:25,583 --> 00:43:28,291 at approximately 8:30 dash 9:00. 693 00:43:29,750 --> 00:43:31,166 What I am, Michael, 694 00:43:32,416 --> 00:43:37,416 is a 32-year-old, ugly, pock-marked, Jew fairy, 695 00:43:38,125 --> 00:43:41,583 and if it takes me a while to pull myself together, 696 00:43:42,166 --> 00:43:45,583 and if I smoke a little grass before I can get up the nerve 697 00:43:45,666 --> 00:43:47,416 to show this face to the world, 698 00:43:48,541 --> 00:43:52,750 then it's nobody's goddamn business but my own. 699 00:43:54,791 --> 00:43:56,625 And how are you this evening? 700 00:43:57,208 --> 00:43:58,958 Happy birthday, Hallie. 701 00:44:00,083 --> 00:44:02,166 - What happened to you? - Don't ask. 702 00:44:02,250 --> 00:44:03,458 Your lips are turning blue. 703 00:44:03,541 --> 00:44:05,458 You look like you've been rimming a snowman. 704 00:44:05,541 --> 00:44:07,458 That piss-elegant kooze hit me. 705 00:44:07,541 --> 00:44:10,666 Careful, Emory. That kind of talk just makes him so nervous. 706 00:44:10,750 --> 00:44:11,875 Who is she? 707 00:44:12,458 --> 00:44:13,666 Who was she? 708 00:44:14,333 --> 00:44:16,375 Who does she hope to be? 709 00:44:16,458 --> 00:44:18,208 Who knows? Who cares? 710 00:44:18,291 --> 00:44:20,166 His name is Alan McCarthy. 711 00:44:21,416 --> 00:44:25,666 Not the famous college chum? Is this my surprise from you, Michael? 712 00:44:25,750 --> 00:44:27,791 I think Alan is the one who got the surprise. 713 00:44:27,875 --> 00:44:31,625 - You'll notice he's speechless. - I hope she's in shock! She's a beast! 714 00:44:32,458 --> 00:44:33,875 Is it his birthday, too? 715 00:44:33,958 --> 00:44:36,916 - That's your surprise. - Speaking of beasts. 716 00:44:37,000 --> 00:44:39,000 From me to you, darling. How do you like it? 717 00:44:39,083 --> 00:44:42,625 Well, I suppose he has an interesting face and body, 718 00:44:42,708 --> 00:44:46,583 but it turns me right off 'cause he can't talk intelligently about art. 719 00:44:46,666 --> 00:44:48,500 Yeah, ain't it a shame? 720 00:44:48,583 --> 00:44:51,416 - I could never love anyone like that. - Never. Who could? 721 00:44:51,500 --> 00:44:54,416 I could and you could, that's who could. 722 00:44:54,500 --> 00:44:56,291 Mary, she's gorgeous. 723 00:44:56,875 --> 00:44:59,250 She may be dumb, but she's all yours. 724 00:44:59,333 --> 00:45:03,125 I think my present is a super surprise. I'm so thrilled to get it. 725 00:45:03,208 --> 00:45:06,583 I would kiss you, but I don't want to get blood all over me. 726 00:45:06,666 --> 00:45:08,500 Look at my top! 727 00:45:09,250 --> 00:45:11,250 Wait till you see your face. 728 00:45:11,333 --> 00:45:14,625 Come on, Emory. Let's clean you up, hmm? Happy birthday, Harold. 729 00:45:15,250 --> 00:45:17,541 - Thanks, love. - Top is ruined. 730 00:45:17,625 --> 00:45:19,291 Take one of mine from the bedroom. 731 00:45:19,375 --> 00:45:21,166 The one on the floor is vicuña. 732 00:45:22,250 --> 00:45:25,250 Just another birthday party with the folks. 733 00:45:26,416 --> 00:45:30,541 Here's a cold bottle of Pouilly-Fuissé I bought especially for you, kiddo. 734 00:45:30,625 --> 00:45:34,208 Pussycat, all is forgiven. You can stay. 735 00:45:34,791 --> 00:45:39,208 No. You can stay, but not all is forgiven. Cheers. 736 00:45:44,958 --> 00:45:48,125 Who asked Mr. Right to celebrate my birthday? 737 00:45:49,125 --> 00:45:50,916 There are no accidents. 738 00:45:51,666 --> 00:45:53,000 And who asked him? 739 00:45:54,541 --> 00:45:55,541 Guilty. 740 00:45:56,041 --> 00:45:58,375 Always got to have your crutch, haven't you? 741 00:45:58,458 --> 00:45:59,708 I'm not leaving. 742 00:45:59,791 --> 00:46:02,541 I feel sick. I think I'm gonna throw up. 743 00:46:02,625 --> 00:46:05,875 Say that again, and I won't have to take my appetite suppressants. 744 00:46:05,958 --> 00:46:09,250 Easy does it. One step at a time. 745 00:46:20,125 --> 00:46:23,125 I am not ready for my close-up, Mr. DeMille. 746 00:46:25,583 --> 00:46:27,750 Nor will I be for the next two weeks. 747 00:46:27,833 --> 00:46:30,958 Oh, my God! He's after me again! 748 00:46:31,041 --> 00:46:33,458 - He's sick. - Yeah, sick in the head. 749 00:46:35,833 --> 00:46:38,125 Mary, take me home. These queens are crazy. 750 00:46:40,666 --> 00:46:41,833 Turning on. 751 00:46:45,791 --> 00:46:48,958 - Anybody care to join me? - Many thanks. No. 752 00:46:49,875 --> 00:46:51,250 No, thank you. 753 00:46:51,875 --> 00:46:54,041 How about you, Tex? 754 00:46:54,666 --> 00:46:55,666 Yeah. 755 00:46:57,125 --> 00:47:01,583 Michael, I left the casserole in the oven. Take it out anytime. 756 00:47:01,666 --> 00:47:02,750 You're not going. 757 00:47:02,833 --> 00:47:05,750 - I couldn't eat now anyway. - Well, I'm absolutely starving. 758 00:47:05,833 --> 00:47:07,416 I'll eat until I have a fat attack. 759 00:47:07,500 --> 00:47:09,541 I said you're not going. 760 00:47:09,625 --> 00:47:11,250 Beware the hostile fag. 761 00:47:11,333 --> 00:47:14,583 When he's sober, he's dangerous. When he drinks, he's lethal. 762 00:47:14,666 --> 00:47:17,625 - Attention must not be paid. - Well, I'm starved, Em. 763 00:47:17,708 --> 00:47:21,666 I'm ready for some of your Alice B. Toklas' opium-baked lasagne. 764 00:47:21,750 --> 00:47:24,375 Are you really? Aw. 765 00:47:24,458 --> 00:47:27,458 That makes me so pleased. Maybe I'll serve it before I leave. 766 00:47:27,541 --> 00:47:30,291 Nobody is going anywhere. 767 00:47:31,458 --> 00:47:34,041 You're gonna have schmertz tomorrow you wouldn't believe. 768 00:47:34,125 --> 00:47:36,500 Hey, do a figure-eight on that. 769 00:47:37,416 --> 00:47:41,291 I'm turning on. You're just turning. 770 00:47:41,375 --> 00:47:44,541 - Michael? Is there any air spray? - Hairspray? 771 00:47:45,166 --> 00:47:48,666 You're supposed to be holding his head, not doing his hair. 772 00:47:48,750 --> 00:47:50,083 Air spray, not hairspray. 773 00:47:50,166 --> 00:47:52,416 There's a can of floral spray on top of the john. 774 00:47:52,500 --> 00:47:53,666 Thanks. 775 00:47:53,750 --> 00:47:57,000 I keep my grass in the medicine cabinet in a Band-Aid box. 776 00:47:57,083 --> 00:47:58,833 Somebody told me it's the safest place. 777 00:47:58,916 --> 00:48:01,250 If the cops arrive, you can lock yourself in the bathroom 778 00:48:01,333 --> 00:48:02,625 and flush it down the john. 779 00:48:02,708 --> 00:48:03,916 That's very cagey. 780 00:48:04,000 --> 00:48:05,833 Makes more sense than where I was keeping it. 781 00:48:05,916 --> 00:48:08,208 In an oregano jar in the spice rack. 782 00:48:08,875 --> 00:48:13,000 I kept forgetting, and accidentally turning my hateful mother on with a salad, 783 00:48:13,916 --> 00:48:15,083 but I think she likes it. 784 00:48:15,166 --> 00:48:18,625 No matter what meal she comes over for, even if it's breakfast, she says, 785 00:48:18,708 --> 00:48:19,791 "Let's have a salad!" 786 00:48:25,250 --> 00:48:28,958 You are definitely the type that still moves his lips when he reads, 787 00:48:29,625 --> 00:48:31,083 and who sits in a steam room 788 00:48:31,166 --> 00:48:33,583 and says things like, "Hot enough for you?" 789 00:48:33,666 --> 00:48:36,250 I never use the steam room when I go to the gym. 790 00:48:36,875 --> 00:48:39,208 It's bad after a workout. It flattens you down. 791 00:48:40,541 --> 00:48:44,833 Just after you've broken your back to blow yourself up like a poisoned dog? 792 00:48:46,416 --> 00:48:48,791 - Yeah. - You're right, Harold. 793 00:48:49,833 --> 00:48:52,708 Not only can he not talk intelligently about art, 794 00:48:52,791 --> 00:48:55,750 he can't even follow from one sentence to the next. 795 00:48:56,625 --> 00:48:58,041 But he's beautiful. 796 00:48:58,916 --> 00:49:01,541 He has unnatural natural beauty. 797 00:49:02,208 --> 00:49:05,125 - Not that that means anything. - It doesn't mean everything. 798 00:49:05,208 --> 00:49:08,708 Keep telling yourself that as your hair drops out in handfuls. 799 00:49:09,541 --> 00:49:14,708 Not that it's not natural for one's hair to recede as one reaches seniority. 800 00:49:15,750 --> 00:49:19,208 You know, faggots are worse than women about their age. 801 00:49:19,291 --> 00:49:21,500 They think their lives are over at 30. 802 00:49:21,583 --> 00:49:24,708 Physical beauty is not that goddamned important. 803 00:49:24,791 --> 00:49:27,041 Well, of course it's not. How could it be? 804 00:49:27,125 --> 00:49:29,041 It's only in the eye of the beholder. 805 00:49:29,125 --> 00:49:33,375 And it's only skin-deep. Don't forget about that one. 806 00:49:34,833 --> 00:49:37,791 Oh, no, I haven't forgotten that one at all. 807 00:49:38,291 --> 00:49:42,375 It's only skin-deep, and it's transitory, too. 808 00:49:42,458 --> 00:49:44,708 It's terribly transitory. 809 00:49:44,791 --> 00:49:50,416 I mean, how long does it last? 30 or 40 or 50 years at the most? 810 00:49:50,500 --> 00:49:54,833 Yes, it's too bad about this poor boy's face. 811 00:49:55,833 --> 00:49:57,000 It's tragic. 812 00:49:57,625 --> 00:49:59,875 He's absolutely cursed. 813 00:50:01,041 --> 00:50:04,916 And how could his beauty ever compare with my soul? 814 00:50:05,666 --> 00:50:07,625 And although I have never seen my soul, 815 00:50:07,708 --> 00:50:10,875 I understand from my mother's rabbi that it's a knockout. 816 00:50:11,791 --> 00:50:14,791 I, however, cannot seem to locate it for a gander, 817 00:50:14,875 --> 00:50:17,833 and if I could, I would sell it in a flash 818 00:50:17,916 --> 00:50:21,750 for some skin-deep, transitory, meaningless beauty. 819 00:50:21,833 --> 00:50:24,541 Forgive him, Father, for he know not what he do. 820 00:50:24,625 --> 00:50:27,125 Oh, Michael, you kill me. 821 00:50:27,208 --> 00:50:29,128 You don't know which side of the fence you're on. 822 00:50:29,166 --> 00:50:31,708 If somebody says something pro-religion, you're against them. 823 00:50:31,791 --> 00:50:34,166 If somebody denies God, you're against them. 824 00:50:34,833 --> 00:50:37,333 One might say you have a problem in this area. 825 00:50:37,416 --> 00:50:39,791 You can't live with it, you can't live without it. 826 00:50:39,875 --> 00:50:41,458 - Hot stuff coming through! - Hey! 827 00:50:41,541 --> 00:50:44,625 You know what? One could murder you with very little effort. 828 00:50:44,708 --> 00:50:48,708 You hang on to that great insurance policy called the church. 829 00:50:48,791 --> 00:50:50,541 That's right, I believe in God. 830 00:50:50,625 --> 00:50:54,416 And if it turns out that there really isn't one? Okay, nothing lost. 831 00:50:54,500 --> 00:50:57,208 But if it turns out that there is, I'm covered. 832 00:50:57,291 --> 00:50:59,958 Harriet Hypocrite, that's who you are. 833 00:51:00,041 --> 00:51:03,000 Right. I am one of those truly rotten Catholics 834 00:51:03,083 --> 00:51:06,791 who gets drunk, sins all night, and goes to Mass the next morning. 835 00:51:06,875 --> 00:51:09,541 It depends on what you think sin is. 836 00:51:09,625 --> 00:51:13,458 Would you shut your minty mouth and get back to the goddamn kitchen? 837 00:51:14,875 --> 00:51:17,333 Say whatever you want. Just don't hit me. 838 00:51:18,708 --> 00:51:21,333 Well, is it bigger than a breadstick? 839 00:51:21,416 --> 00:51:23,250 He's laying down for a little bit. 840 00:51:23,333 --> 00:51:25,625 - How does the bathroom smell? - Better. 841 00:51:25,708 --> 00:51:28,000 Before it smelled like somebody puked. 842 00:51:28,083 --> 00:51:30,583 Now it smells like somebody puked in a gardenia patch. 843 00:51:30,666 --> 00:51:32,666 Dinner is served! 844 00:51:35,083 --> 00:51:36,666 What would you like, big boy? 845 00:51:36,750 --> 00:51:39,291 Alan McCarthy, and don't hold the mayo. 846 00:51:39,375 --> 00:51:42,833 Oh, Em, it looks absolutely fabulous. 847 00:51:42,916 --> 00:51:44,583 I'd make somebody a good wife. 848 00:51:44,666 --> 00:51:46,583 - What is it? - Lasagna. 849 00:51:46,666 --> 00:51:49,833 Looks like spaghetti and meatballs sort of flattened out. 850 00:51:51,166 --> 00:51:54,041 Well, it's been in the steam room. 851 00:51:54,125 --> 00:51:55,833 - It has? - Oh, my God. 852 00:51:56,500 --> 00:52:00,458 "It looks like spaghetti and meatballs sort of flattened out." 853 00:52:00,541 --> 00:52:02,916 Oh, yes, Harold, truly enviable. 854 00:52:03,000 --> 00:52:06,833 As opposed to you, who knows so much about haute cuisine. 855 00:52:06,916 --> 00:52:10,458 Raconteur, gourmet, troll. 856 00:52:11,083 --> 00:52:12,875 - It's good. - You like it? Eat it. 857 00:52:12,958 --> 00:52:14,875 Stuff your mouth so you can't say anything. 858 00:52:14,958 --> 00:52:15,791 Turning. 859 00:52:15,875 --> 00:52:17,416 - Wine? - No, thank you. 860 00:52:17,500 --> 00:52:19,833 Oh, go on, kiddo. Force yourself. 861 00:52:19,916 --> 00:52:23,541 Have a little vin ordinaire to wash down all that depressed pasta. 862 00:52:23,625 --> 00:52:27,333 Sommelier, connoisseur, pig. 863 00:52:28,250 --> 00:52:29,708 Aren't you gonna have any? 864 00:52:29,791 --> 00:52:33,750 No, my lip hurts too much to eat. Anybody gonna bring a plate up to Alan? 865 00:52:33,833 --> 00:52:37,833 Oh. The punching bag is now dissolved into Flo Nightingale. 866 00:52:37,916 --> 00:52:39,375 Do you like it, Hallie? 867 00:52:39,458 --> 00:52:42,750 Mmm. I'm having seconds and thirds and maybe even fifths. 868 00:52:42,833 --> 00:52:45,250 I'm absolutely desperate to keep the weight up. 869 00:52:46,708 --> 00:52:50,083 You're absolutely paranoid about absolutely everything. 870 00:52:50,166 --> 00:52:54,125 Oh, yeah? Well, why don't you not tell me about it? 871 00:52:54,916 --> 00:52:57,125 You starve yourself all day 872 00:52:57,208 --> 00:52:59,625 so that you can gorge yourself at one meal, 873 00:52:59,708 --> 00:53:04,500 and then you moan and groan about how fat you are and how ugly you are, 874 00:53:04,583 --> 00:53:08,000 when the truth is you're no fatter or thinner than you ever were. 875 00:53:08,083 --> 00:53:10,333 - Polly Paranoia. - This is great, Emory. 876 00:53:10,416 --> 00:53:13,666 Connie Casserole. No trouble at all. Oh, Mary, don't ask. 877 00:53:13,750 --> 00:53:18,250 Oh! Oh! And this pathological lateness, that's downright crazy. 878 00:53:18,333 --> 00:53:19,333 Turning! 879 00:53:19,416 --> 00:53:22,291 Standing before a bathroom mirror for hours and hours 880 00:53:22,375 --> 00:53:24,791 before you can walk out on the street, 881 00:53:24,875 --> 00:53:29,041 and looking no different after Christ knows how many applications 882 00:53:29,125 --> 00:53:33,916 of Christ knows how many ointments and salves and creams and masks. 883 00:53:34,000 --> 00:53:37,208 I've got bad skin. What can I tell you? 884 00:53:37,291 --> 00:53:40,041 Who wouldn't after they deliberately take a pair of tweezers 885 00:53:40,125 --> 00:53:42,791 and deliberately mutilate their pores? 886 00:53:42,875 --> 00:53:44,666 There's no wonder you got holes in your face 887 00:53:44,750 --> 00:53:48,583 after the hack job you have done on yourself year in and year out. 888 00:53:48,666 --> 00:53:50,916 King of the pig people. 889 00:53:51,000 --> 00:53:54,041 Yes, you've got scars on your face, but they're not that bad. 890 00:53:54,125 --> 00:53:56,041 And if you'd leave yourself alone, 891 00:53:56,125 --> 00:53:59,125 you wouldn't have any more than you've already awarded yourself. 892 00:54:00,541 --> 00:54:03,916 You'd really like me to compliment you now, wouldn't you, 893 00:54:04,000 --> 00:54:05,333 for how honest you're being? 894 00:54:06,458 --> 00:54:08,250 For being my best friend who will tell me 895 00:54:08,333 --> 00:54:12,458 what even my best friends won't tell me, you hateful sow. 896 00:54:12,541 --> 00:54:14,625 And the pills! 897 00:54:14,708 --> 00:54:16,958 Harold has been gathering, saving, 898 00:54:17,041 --> 00:54:19,708 and storing up barbiturates for the past year 899 00:54:19,791 --> 00:54:21,375 like a goddamn squirrel. 900 00:54:21,458 --> 00:54:24,375 Hundreds of Nembutals, hundreds of Seconals. 901 00:54:24,458 --> 00:54:26,250 All in preparation for, 902 00:54:26,333 --> 00:54:30,291 and anticipation of, the long winter of his death. 903 00:54:30,375 --> 00:54:31,958 I'll tell you right now, Hallie, 904 00:54:32,041 --> 00:54:35,416 when the time comes, you'll never have the guts. 905 00:54:36,041 --> 00:54:38,333 It's not always like it happens in plays. 906 00:54:38,416 --> 00:54:42,000 Not all faggots bump themselves off at the end of the story. 907 00:54:46,625 --> 00:54:49,208 What you say may be true. 908 00:54:50,208 --> 00:54:52,416 Time will undoubtedly tell. 909 00:54:53,333 --> 00:54:56,333 But in the meantime, you've left out one detail. 910 00:54:58,375 --> 00:55:01,666 The cosmetics and astringents are paid for, 911 00:55:02,625 --> 00:55:05,208 the bathroom is paid for, 912 00:55:05,916 --> 00:55:07,666 the tweezers are paid for, 913 00:55:07,750 --> 00:55:12,625 and the pills… are paid for. 914 00:55:34,750 --> 00:55:36,041 You're so sweet. 915 00:55:37,000 --> 00:55:39,541 Blow out the candles, Mary, and make a wish! 916 00:55:39,625 --> 00:55:41,083 Blow out your candles, Laura. 917 00:55:49,583 --> 00:55:53,125 - She's 32 years young! - Oh, my God. 918 00:55:53,208 --> 00:55:56,041 - Now you have to open your gifts. - Start with this one. 919 00:55:56,125 --> 00:55:59,041 Presents! Where's the card? 920 00:55:59,125 --> 00:56:01,083 - Uh… - Here. 921 00:56:01,875 --> 00:56:04,291 - Oh, from Larry. - Larry. 922 00:56:04,375 --> 00:56:06,083 Why would you put it on the back? 923 00:56:09,375 --> 00:56:14,208 Oh, it's heaven. Oh, I just love it, Larry. 924 00:56:14,291 --> 00:56:16,875 - What is it? - The deed to Boardwalk. 925 00:56:16,958 --> 00:56:19,375 Aw. Gay pop art. 926 00:56:20,083 --> 00:56:22,666 Oh, Larry, it's super. It goes up the minute I get home. 927 00:56:22,750 --> 00:56:24,166 - Oh, good. - I don't get it. 928 00:56:24,250 --> 00:56:25,958 You cruise Atlantic City or something? 929 00:56:26,875 --> 00:56:28,583 How much did you pay for him? 930 00:56:29,250 --> 00:56:33,375 - He was a steal. - I'm not a steal. I cost $20. 931 00:56:35,583 --> 00:56:38,291 And what do you do for $20? 932 00:56:38,875 --> 00:56:39,958 I do my best. 933 00:56:40,041 --> 00:56:43,416 Oh, what a nifty sweater. 934 00:56:44,416 --> 00:56:45,625 Thank you, Hank. 935 00:56:45,708 --> 00:56:47,788 You can take it back, exchange it for something else. 936 00:56:47,833 --> 00:56:52,833 No, I think this one is just… nifty. 937 00:56:54,166 --> 00:56:55,791 - Who wants cake? - Everybody? 938 00:56:55,875 --> 00:56:56,791 None for me. 939 00:56:56,875 --> 00:56:58,291 - There you go. - Thanks. 940 00:56:58,875 --> 00:57:02,208 Oh, Bernard! How divine! 941 00:57:02,291 --> 00:57:05,083 Look, everybody, bejeweled knee pads. 942 00:57:07,666 --> 00:57:08,958 Monogrammed. 943 00:57:09,541 --> 00:57:11,166 Bernard, you're a camp! 944 00:57:23,125 --> 00:57:24,333 Thank you, Michael. 945 00:57:25,083 --> 00:57:26,083 What? 946 00:57:27,458 --> 00:57:28,458 Oh. 947 00:57:30,750 --> 00:57:33,333 - You're welcome. - What is it, Harold? 948 00:57:34,083 --> 00:57:36,375 It's a photograph of him in a silver frame, 949 00:57:36,458 --> 00:57:39,166 and there's an inscription engraved and the date. 950 00:57:39,958 --> 00:57:41,000 What's it say? 951 00:57:46,750 --> 00:57:48,458 Just something personal. 952 00:57:51,041 --> 00:57:54,875 Hey, Bernard, what do you say we have a little music to liven things up? 953 00:57:54,958 --> 00:57:58,333 - Okay. - Yeah, I feel like dancing. 954 00:58:00,583 --> 00:58:01,625 Come on, Michael. 955 00:58:02,458 --> 00:58:04,375 Oh, no, thanks. I can only lead. 956 00:58:05,166 --> 00:58:08,958 - I can follow. - Oh, I think I'll sip this one out. 957 00:58:09,041 --> 00:58:10,041 Ha! 958 00:59:06,666 --> 00:59:07,666 Come on, Tex. 959 01:00:17,625 --> 01:00:19,041 Shit. 960 01:00:20,958 --> 01:00:22,916 - Michael! - Everybody, help clean up. 961 01:00:26,916 --> 01:00:28,791 Go, go, go! Come on! 962 01:00:33,583 --> 01:00:36,250 Come here, kid. 963 01:00:39,833 --> 01:00:42,625 - Everybody, hurry up! - Close the door! 964 01:00:44,375 --> 01:00:46,208 - Come on, guys. - Come on. 965 01:00:47,791 --> 01:00:49,166 Get the fuck inside. 966 01:00:50,000 --> 01:00:51,875 Oh God. 967 01:00:51,958 --> 01:00:53,208 I'm dripping all over. 968 01:00:55,083 --> 01:00:57,208 Take a towel. Don't get the goddamn furniture wet. 969 01:00:57,291 --> 01:01:00,458 - Here. Towel. Dry off. - Jesus, Michael. 970 01:01:00,541 --> 01:01:02,125 Thanks. Thanks, Michael. 971 01:01:05,208 --> 01:01:06,208 Wanna dance? 972 01:01:06,291 --> 01:01:08,833 Uh-oh, Yvonne the Terrible is back. 973 01:01:09,500 --> 01:01:11,833 Oh, hello, Alan. You feel better? 974 01:01:13,458 --> 01:01:15,791 Oh, no. No, no, no. Alan, no. 975 01:01:16,500 --> 01:01:20,833 As they say in the Deep South, don't rush off in this inclement weather. 976 01:01:20,916 --> 01:01:22,250 You'll never get a cab. 977 01:01:22,333 --> 01:01:24,416 Revolution complete. 978 01:01:24,500 --> 01:01:27,916 You missed the cake and you missed the opening of the gifts, 979 01:01:28,000 --> 01:01:29,500 but you're still in luck. 980 01:01:29,583 --> 01:01:32,208 You're just in time for a party game. 981 01:01:32,291 --> 01:01:34,125 Hey, everybody, game time. 982 01:01:34,208 --> 01:01:36,291 Michael, why don't you just let him go? 983 01:01:36,916 --> 01:01:38,333 He can go if he wants to, 984 01:01:39,083 --> 01:01:41,375 but not before we play a little game. 985 01:01:41,458 --> 01:01:43,708 What's it gonna be, movie-star gin? 986 01:01:43,791 --> 01:01:48,625 No. No, that's too faggy for Alan to play. He wouldn't be any good at it. 987 01:01:48,708 --> 01:01:50,958 What would you like to play, Michael? The Truth Game? 988 01:01:51,541 --> 01:01:52,458 Cute, Hallie. 989 01:01:52,541 --> 01:01:54,583 Or would you like to play Murder? 990 01:01:54,666 --> 01:01:57,750 - You all remember that one, don't you? - Very, very cute. 991 01:01:57,833 --> 01:01:59,625 As I recall, they're quite similar. 992 01:01:59,708 --> 01:02:02,416 The rules are the same in both: you kill somebody. 993 01:02:03,291 --> 01:02:05,250 - Mickey, I'm leaving. - Stay where you are. 994 01:02:05,333 --> 01:02:08,958 - Michael, let him go. - He really doesn't want to. 995 01:02:09,041 --> 01:02:11,750 If he did, he'd have left a long time ago, 996 01:02:11,833 --> 01:02:13,750 or he wouldn't have come in the first place. 997 01:02:13,833 --> 01:02:16,291 - Mickey. I don't feel... - My name is Michael. 998 01:02:17,000 --> 01:02:18,000 I'm called Michael. 999 01:02:18,625 --> 01:02:21,500 You must never call anyone called Michael "Mickey." 1000 01:02:22,625 --> 01:02:26,000 Those of us who are named Michael get very nervous about it. 1001 01:02:27,541 --> 01:02:29,166 If you don't believe it, try it. 1002 01:02:30,875 --> 01:02:32,208 I'm sorry. I… 1003 01:02:33,875 --> 01:02:35,333 I can't think. 1004 01:02:35,416 --> 01:02:36,958 You can think. 1005 01:02:37,916 --> 01:02:39,500 What you can't do is leave. 1006 01:02:39,583 --> 01:02:41,750 It's like watching an accident on a highway. 1007 01:02:41,833 --> 01:02:44,333 You can't look at it, and you can't look away. 1008 01:03:07,791 --> 01:03:10,041 Who's going to play with Alan and me? Everyone? 1009 01:03:10,125 --> 01:03:13,875 - I have no intention of playing. - Yeah, nor do I. 1010 01:03:13,958 --> 01:03:16,125 Well, not everyone is a participant in life. 1011 01:03:16,208 --> 01:03:19,083 There are always those who stand on the sidelines and watch. 1012 01:03:19,166 --> 01:03:21,708 - What's the game? - Simply this: 1013 01:03:22,500 --> 01:03:25,250 We all have to call on the telephone 1014 01:03:25,333 --> 01:03:29,916 the one person we truly believe we have loved. 1015 01:03:31,791 --> 01:03:34,625 - I'm not playing. - Oh, yes, you are. 1016 01:03:35,250 --> 01:03:37,916 - You'd like for me to play. - I'd like to know who you'd call 1017 01:03:38,000 --> 01:03:40,375 after all the fancy speeches I've heard lately. 1018 01:03:40,458 --> 01:03:42,875 Who'd you call, Hank? Would you call me? 1019 01:03:42,958 --> 01:03:46,291 Oh! Sounds like there's, how you say, trouble in paradise. 1020 01:03:46,375 --> 01:03:49,250 Well, if there isn't, I'm sure you could stir up some. 1021 01:03:49,333 --> 01:03:51,375 And who would you call? Hmm? 1022 01:03:52,041 --> 01:03:54,458 Don't think I think for one minute that it would be me. 1023 01:03:55,166 --> 01:03:57,583 Or that one call would do it. You'd have to make several. 1024 01:03:57,666 --> 01:04:00,250 Three long-distance, God only knows how many locals. 1025 01:04:00,333 --> 01:04:02,833 - I'm glad I don't have to pay the bill. - Quiet. 1026 01:04:02,916 --> 01:04:05,833 Don't worry. Michael won't pay it either. 1027 01:04:06,375 --> 01:04:10,875 Now, here's how it works. If you make the call, you get one point. 1028 01:04:10,958 --> 01:04:13,958 If the person you are calling answers, you get two more points. 1029 01:04:14,041 --> 01:04:16,041 Somebody else answers, you only get one. 1030 01:04:16,125 --> 01:04:18,375 And if there's no answer at all… 1031 01:04:18,958 --> 01:04:19,958 You're screwed. 1032 01:04:20,041 --> 01:04:21,833 You're screwed if you make the call. 1033 01:04:21,916 --> 01:04:24,750 When you get the person whom you are calling on the line, 1034 01:04:24,833 --> 01:04:28,208 if you tell them who you are, you get two points. And then… 1035 01:04:29,625 --> 01:04:33,083 If you tell them that you love them, 1036 01:04:33,166 --> 01:04:35,958 you get a bonus of five more points. 1037 01:04:36,041 --> 01:04:37,625 Hateful. 1038 01:04:37,708 --> 01:04:41,416 Therefore, you can get as many as ten points and as few as one. 1039 01:04:41,500 --> 01:04:44,083 You can get as few as none if you know how to work it. 1040 01:04:44,166 --> 01:04:45,541 Hank, leave with me? 1041 01:04:45,625 --> 01:04:47,750 Oh, well, now, did you hear that? 1042 01:04:51,500 --> 01:04:53,708 You don't understand, Alan. I can't. 1043 01:04:54,583 --> 01:04:57,166 You can, but I can't. 1044 01:04:57,250 --> 01:04:59,666 If he doesn't understand, explain it to him. 1045 01:04:59,750 --> 01:05:01,833 - I'll explain it. - I had a feeling you might. 1046 01:05:01,916 --> 01:05:04,416 Alan, Hank and Larry are lovers. 1047 01:05:05,083 --> 01:05:06,500 They're not roommates. 1048 01:05:06,583 --> 01:05:08,583 - Bedmates, lovers. - Michael. 1049 01:05:08,666 --> 01:05:11,583 No man's still got a roommate when he's over 40 years old. 1050 01:05:11,666 --> 01:05:13,583 If they're not lovers, they're sisters. 1051 01:05:13,666 --> 01:05:16,583 - Hank is the one who's over 40. - Well, you're pushing it. 1052 01:05:17,541 --> 01:05:18,708 Hank. 1053 01:05:21,166 --> 01:05:24,625 Yes, Alan. Larry and I are lovers. 1054 01:05:24,708 --> 01:05:25,708 But… 1055 01:05:26,791 --> 01:05:27,875 But you're married. 1056 01:05:31,875 --> 01:05:33,125 Jesus Christ. 1057 01:05:34,916 --> 01:05:37,625 I think you said the wrong thing. 1058 01:05:37,708 --> 01:05:40,000 Don't you love that quaint little idea? 1059 01:05:40,083 --> 01:05:43,500 If a man's married, he's automatically heterosexual. 1060 01:05:43,583 --> 01:05:49,708 Alan, Hank swings both ways… with a definite preference. 1061 01:05:55,416 --> 01:05:58,791 Now… who makes the first call? 1062 01:06:03,208 --> 01:06:05,291 - Emory? - You go, Bernard. 1063 01:06:05,375 --> 01:06:08,958 - Mm. I don't want to. - Go on, call up Peter Dahlbeck. 1064 01:06:09,041 --> 01:06:12,000 - That's who you'd like to call, isn't it? - Who is Peter Dahlbeck? 1065 01:06:12,083 --> 01:06:13,208 The boy in Detroit 1066 01:06:13,291 --> 01:06:15,583 whose family Bernard's mother has been a laundress for 1067 01:06:15,666 --> 01:06:18,208 since he was a little black-eyed pea. 1068 01:06:20,541 --> 01:06:21,958 I worked for them, too, 1069 01:06:23,083 --> 01:06:24,958 after school and every summer. 1070 01:06:28,666 --> 01:06:30,416 I think I've loved him all my life. 1071 01:06:33,958 --> 01:06:36,083 But he never knew I was alive. 1072 01:06:42,416 --> 01:06:43,958 Besides, he's straight. 1073 01:06:44,041 --> 01:06:45,750 Nothing ever happened between you? 1074 01:06:46,541 --> 01:06:49,083 They finally made it in the pool house one night 1075 01:06:49,166 --> 01:06:51,083 after a drunken swimming party. 1076 01:06:51,166 --> 01:06:55,458 With the right wine and the right music, there are damn few that aren't curious. 1077 01:06:55,541 --> 01:06:58,833 And afterwards, we went swimming, 1078 01:06:59,666 --> 01:07:04,333 in the nude, in the dark, only the moon reflecting the water. 1079 01:07:04,416 --> 01:07:06,166 How romantic. 1080 01:07:06,250 --> 01:07:10,500 And the next morning, you took him his coffee and Alka-Seltzer on a tray. 1081 01:07:13,125 --> 01:07:16,666 I remember I was worried sick all morning about having to face him, 1082 01:07:17,458 --> 01:07:20,166 but he pretended like nothing at all had happened. 1083 01:07:20,250 --> 01:07:23,791 Christ, he must have been so drunk, he didn't remember a thing. 1084 01:07:23,875 --> 01:07:25,416 Odd how that works. 1085 01:07:25,500 --> 01:07:29,458 And now for ten points, get that liar on the phone. 1086 01:07:34,416 --> 01:07:36,583 - Mmm! - Oh! 1087 01:07:43,791 --> 01:07:45,041 You know the number? 1088 01:07:46,083 --> 01:07:49,541 Sure, he's back in Grosse Pointe, living at home. 1089 01:07:49,625 --> 01:07:51,875 Just got separated from his third wife. 1090 01:07:51,958 --> 01:07:53,166 - Mmm-hmm. - Mmm-hmm. 1091 01:08:00,541 --> 01:08:02,458 - DA or BY? - What? 1092 01:08:02,541 --> 01:08:05,625 It's operator lingo. It means "doesn't answer" or "busy." 1093 01:08:05,708 --> 01:08:07,750 He didn't even give it time to find out. 1094 01:08:07,833 --> 01:08:11,791 Come on, Bernard. Pick up that phone. 1095 01:08:11,875 --> 01:08:15,166 You know you want to call him. You know that, don't you? 1096 01:08:16,332 --> 01:08:17,332 Well, go ahead. 1097 01:08:18,125 --> 01:08:22,291 Your curiosity's got the best of you now. So go on, call him. 1098 01:08:44,541 --> 01:08:45,541 Do it. 1099 01:08:56,916 --> 01:08:58,416 - Hello? - One point. 1100 01:08:59,125 --> 01:09:00,332 Who's speaking? 1101 01:09:03,125 --> 01:09:04,125 Oh! 1102 01:09:04,957 --> 01:09:07,207 - Mrs. Dahlbeck. - One point. 1103 01:09:07,291 --> 01:09:08,291 It's Bernard. 1104 01:09:11,041 --> 01:09:12,291 Francine's boy. 1105 01:09:13,166 --> 01:09:15,207 - Son, not boy. - Shh. 1106 01:09:17,832 --> 01:09:20,750 Oh, just fine, thank you. 1107 01:09:22,375 --> 01:09:25,666 Mrs. Dahlbeck, is-is… Peter at home? 1108 01:09:30,041 --> 01:09:31,166 Oh. 1109 01:09:33,707 --> 01:09:34,582 Oh, I see. 1110 01:09:34,666 --> 01:09:35,666 Oh, shit. 1111 01:09:36,166 --> 01:09:38,000 Oh, no, no. 1112 01:09:38,582 --> 01:09:42,125 Oh, no, no. No, no. It-It's nothing important. I, um… 1113 01:09:45,707 --> 01:09:47,457 I just wanted to tell him that… 1114 01:09:51,750 --> 01:09:54,832 Just to tell him that I… 1115 01:09:54,916 --> 01:09:59,707 I love him… and I've always loved him. 1116 01:10:06,125 --> 01:10:08,916 That I was very sorry to hear about him and his wife. 1117 01:10:09,000 --> 01:10:10,041 No points. 1118 01:10:11,707 --> 01:10:13,125 Mama wrote me. 1119 01:10:15,332 --> 01:10:19,166 Yes, it is. It-It-It really is. Well, uh… 1120 01:10:21,291 --> 01:10:25,416 Would you just tell him that I called and said that I… 1121 01:10:35,166 --> 01:10:36,166 That I, uh… 1122 01:10:48,500 --> 01:10:50,332 I was just very, very sorry to hear 1123 01:10:50,416 --> 01:10:52,916 and hope they can get everything straightened out. 1124 01:10:55,375 --> 01:10:57,750 Good night. Uh-huh. 1125 01:10:58,666 --> 01:10:59,791 Goodbye. 1126 01:11:14,000 --> 01:11:15,416 Two points total. 1127 01:11:15,916 --> 01:11:18,125 - Terrible. Next. - You all right, Bernard? 1128 01:11:19,916 --> 01:11:20,916 Why did I call? 1129 01:11:22,832 --> 01:11:24,166 Why did I do that? 1130 01:11:24,957 --> 01:11:27,291 - Where was he? - Out on a date. 1131 01:11:29,957 --> 01:11:30,957 Come on. 1132 01:11:31,332 --> 01:11:32,332 Emory. 1133 01:11:34,166 --> 01:11:35,207 Punch in. 1134 01:11:50,582 --> 01:11:52,457 May I have a number, please? 1135 01:11:53,582 --> 01:11:54,707 In the Bronx. 1136 01:11:57,041 --> 01:11:59,582 For a Delbert Botts. 1137 01:11:59,666 --> 01:12:04,082 A Delbert Botts? How many could there be? 1138 01:12:04,166 --> 01:12:05,916 Wish I hadn't called now. 1139 01:12:06,000 --> 01:12:07,750 No, the residence number, please. 1140 01:12:18,707 --> 01:12:19,707 Thank you. 1141 01:12:20,500 --> 01:12:23,125 I do wish Information would stop calling me "ma'am." 1142 01:12:23,207 --> 01:12:24,666 Hey, by all means, 1143 01:12:24,750 --> 01:12:26,375 scribble all over my phone. 1144 01:12:26,457 --> 01:12:28,375 It comes off with a little spit. 1145 01:12:28,457 --> 01:12:30,500 Ooh, like a lot of things. 1146 01:12:30,582 --> 01:12:32,541 Who the hell is Delbert Botts? 1147 01:12:32,625 --> 01:12:36,541 The one person I've always loved. That's who you said to call, isn't it? 1148 01:12:36,625 --> 01:12:37,541 Right, emery board. 1149 01:12:37,625 --> 01:12:41,000 Ugh, how could you love somebody with a name like that? 1150 01:12:41,582 --> 01:12:46,625 Yes, Emory, you couldn't possibly love anyone with a name like that. 1151 01:12:46,707 --> 01:12:49,541 That wouldn't look good on a place card. Right, Alan? 1152 01:12:49,625 --> 01:12:51,500 I admit his name is not so good, 1153 01:12:52,291 --> 01:12:53,291 but he… 1154 01:12:54,416 --> 01:12:56,250 Absolutely beautiful. 1155 01:12:56,332 --> 01:13:00,125 I've loved him ever since the first day I laid eyes on him, 1156 01:13:01,707 --> 01:13:04,125 which was when I was in the fifth grade 1157 01:13:04,791 --> 01:13:08,291 and he was a senior. 1158 01:13:10,791 --> 01:13:12,666 Then he went away to college, 1159 01:13:12,750 --> 01:13:15,416 and by the time he got out, I was in high school. 1160 01:13:15,500 --> 01:13:18,875 And he had become… a dentist. 1161 01:13:18,957 --> 01:13:22,957 And you went and had every tooth in your head pulled out, right? 1162 01:13:23,625 --> 01:13:24,625 No. 1163 01:13:25,750 --> 01:13:27,875 I just had my teeth cleaned, that's all. 1164 01:13:27,957 --> 01:13:31,000 - Oh, I shouldn't have called. - Will you shut up, Bernard? 1165 01:13:31,082 --> 01:13:34,207 And take your boring, sleep-making icks somewhere else. Go. 1166 01:13:35,207 --> 01:13:39,457 I remember I looked right in his eyes the whole time. 1167 01:13:41,291 --> 01:13:43,500 I kept wanting to bite his fingers. 1168 01:13:43,582 --> 01:13:45,625 Well, it's absolutely mind-boggling. 1169 01:13:45,707 --> 01:13:48,916 - Phyllis Phallic. - It absolutely boggles the mind. 1170 01:13:49,000 --> 01:13:51,832 I told him I was having my teeth cleaned 1171 01:13:51,916 --> 01:13:56,832 for the junior-senior prom for which I was in charge of decorations. 1172 01:13:58,375 --> 01:14:00,832 I told him it was a celestial theme, 1173 01:14:00,916 --> 01:14:03,875 and I was cutting stars out of tin foil 1174 01:14:03,957 --> 01:14:08,916 and making clouds out of chicken wire and angel's hair. 1175 01:14:10,541 --> 01:14:13,875 Oh, Mary, it takes a fairy to make something pretty. 1176 01:14:13,957 --> 01:14:17,125 I got angel's hair down my shirt once at Christmastime. 1177 01:14:17,207 --> 01:14:18,457 Gosh, did it itch. 1178 01:14:19,041 --> 01:14:21,541 It would be terrible if you got that stuff in your… 1179 01:14:24,375 --> 01:14:25,375 I'll be quiet. 1180 01:14:31,416 --> 01:14:35,166 He was engaged to this stupid-ass girl named Loraine, 1181 01:14:35,250 --> 01:14:37,707 whose mother was truly a real see-you-next-Tuesday. 1182 01:14:37,791 --> 01:14:39,750 Uh-uh. Don't digress. 1183 01:14:41,166 --> 01:14:45,791 Well, anyway… I was a wreck. I mean, a total mess. 1184 01:14:45,875 --> 01:14:49,332 I couldn't eat, sleep, stand up, sit down, nothing. 1185 01:14:50,541 --> 01:14:54,500 Finally, I called him on the phone and asked if I could see him alone. 1186 01:14:55,375 --> 01:14:57,666 Clearly, not the coolest of moves. 1187 01:14:58,707 --> 01:14:59,832 He said okay. 1188 01:15:00,875 --> 01:15:02,457 Told me to come by his house. 1189 01:15:04,791 --> 01:15:08,957 I was so nervous, my hands were shaking. I couldn't even look at him. 1190 01:15:09,791 --> 01:15:15,041 I just… stared straight in space and blurted out why I'd come. 1191 01:15:15,125 --> 01:15:18,500 I told him I wanted him to be my friend. 1192 01:15:19,832 --> 01:15:24,166 I said that I had never had a friend I could talk to 1193 01:15:24,875 --> 01:15:28,582 and tell everything to and-and trust. 1194 01:15:30,541 --> 01:15:32,291 I asked him if he would be my friend. 1195 01:15:34,207 --> 01:15:36,291 He said he would be glad to be my friend, 1196 01:15:36,875 --> 01:15:40,207 and anytime I wanted to see him or call him, 1197 01:15:40,291 --> 01:15:42,750 to just call him and he'd see me. 1198 01:15:44,082 --> 01:15:48,166 And he shook my trembling hand, and I left… 1199 01:15:50,166 --> 01:15:53,125 - On a cloud. - One of the ones you made yourself. 1200 01:15:53,207 --> 01:15:54,291 And the next day, 1201 01:15:55,082 --> 01:15:57,791 I went out and bought him a gold-plated cigarette lighter 1202 01:15:57,875 --> 01:15:59,957 and had his initials monogrammed on it. 1203 01:16:00,041 --> 01:16:04,791 I wrote a card that said, "From your friend, Emory." 1204 01:16:05,375 --> 01:16:08,166 Seventeen years old and already big with the gifts. 1205 01:16:08,250 --> 01:16:09,957 And then the night of the prom, 1206 01:16:10,832 --> 01:16:15,082 I heard Loraine and another girl I knew giggling together. 1207 01:16:17,707 --> 01:16:21,666 Obviously, Del had told Loraine about my calling and about the gift. 1208 01:16:22,832 --> 01:16:25,625 Pretty soon, everybody at the dance had heard about it. 1209 01:16:26,666 --> 01:16:28,791 They were laughing and making jokes. 1210 01:16:30,791 --> 01:16:34,375 Everybody knew that I had a crush on Dr. Delbert Botts 1211 01:16:34,957 --> 01:16:37,500 and that I had asked him to be my friend. 1212 01:16:44,207 --> 01:16:46,416 What they didn't know was that I loved him, 1213 01:16:48,375 --> 01:16:50,125 and that I would go on loving him 1214 01:16:50,207 --> 01:16:55,832 years after they had all forgotten my funny little secret. 1215 01:16:57,916 --> 01:17:01,500 Well, I for one need an insulin injection. 1216 01:17:01,582 --> 01:17:02,750 Oh. 1217 01:17:07,082 --> 01:17:09,041 - Call him. - Don't, Emory. 1218 01:17:09,125 --> 01:17:10,957 Since when are you telling him what to do? 1219 01:17:11,041 --> 01:17:13,166 Don't. You'll be sorry. Take my word for it. 1220 01:17:13,250 --> 01:17:14,875 What have I got to lose? 1221 01:17:14,957 --> 01:17:17,416 Your dignity. That's what you've got to lose. 1222 01:17:17,500 --> 01:17:19,750 Oh, that's a knee-slapper. I love… 1223 01:17:19,832 --> 01:17:21,791 You're telling him about dignity 1224 01:17:21,875 --> 01:17:24,207 when you allow him to degrade you constantly 1225 01:17:24,291 --> 01:17:25,916 by Uncle Tom-ing you to death. 1226 01:17:26,000 --> 01:17:30,166 He can do it, Michael. I can do it. But you can't do it. 1227 01:17:30,250 --> 01:17:33,582 Isn't that discrimination? 1228 01:17:33,666 --> 01:17:36,832 I don't like it from him, and I don't like it from me. 1229 01:17:37,791 --> 01:17:39,457 But I do it to myself, 1230 01:17:40,375 --> 01:17:42,082 and I let him do it. 1231 01:17:42,166 --> 01:17:44,457 I let him do it because it's the only thing that, 1232 01:17:44,541 --> 01:17:46,332 to him, makes him my equal. 1233 01:17:48,125 --> 01:17:50,500 We both got the short end of the stick, 1234 01:17:50,582 --> 01:17:53,707 but I got a hell of a lot more than he did, and he knows it. 1235 01:17:53,791 --> 01:17:55,082 I let him Uncle Tom me 1236 01:17:55,166 --> 01:17:58,291 just so he can tell himself he's not a complete loser. 1237 01:18:00,582 --> 01:18:02,625 How very considerate. 1238 01:18:03,125 --> 01:18:05,207 It's his defense, Michael. 1239 01:18:05,291 --> 01:18:08,082 You have your defense, but it's indescribable. 1240 01:18:11,707 --> 01:18:17,000 Y'all want to hear a little polite parlor jest from the liberal Deep South? 1241 01:18:17,082 --> 01:18:20,375 Do you know why niggers have such big lips? 1242 01:18:20,457 --> 01:18:23,166 Because they're always going… 1243 01:18:23,250 --> 01:18:25,791 Christ, Michael! Give me that. Let go, Michael. 1244 01:18:27,207 --> 01:18:30,832 I can do without your goddamn spit on my telephone, you nellie coward! 1245 01:18:30,916 --> 01:18:33,291 I may be nellie, but I'm no coward! 1246 01:18:35,875 --> 01:18:37,041 Yo, Bernard… 1247 01:18:38,375 --> 01:18:39,666 Forgive me. I'm sorry. 1248 01:18:39,750 --> 01:18:42,250 I won't ever say those things to you again. 1249 01:18:56,625 --> 01:18:57,707 Huh. 1250 01:19:03,750 --> 01:19:05,416 - BY. - It's busy? 1251 01:19:05,500 --> 01:19:07,666 Loraine is probably talking to her mother. 1252 01:19:09,000 --> 01:19:11,207 Oh, yes, Delbert married Loraine. 1253 01:19:11,291 --> 01:19:14,000 I'm sorry, you'll have to forfeit your turn. We can't wait. 1254 01:19:14,916 --> 01:19:17,041 Well, you're not wasting any time. 1255 01:19:17,707 --> 01:19:19,625 - Who are you calling? - Charlie. 1256 01:19:20,500 --> 01:19:23,791 I refuse to forfeit my turn. It is my turn, and I'm taking it. 1257 01:19:23,875 --> 01:19:25,750 That's the spirit, Emory. 1258 01:19:25,832 --> 01:19:29,500 You hit that iceberg! Don't miss it. Hit it! God damn it! 1259 01:19:29,582 --> 01:19:31,500 I want a smash of a finale. 1260 01:19:31,582 --> 01:19:34,666 - God, I'm drunk. - You're a falling-down-drunk-nellie-queen. 1261 01:19:34,750 --> 01:19:36,957 Now that's the pot calling the kettle beige. 1262 01:19:37,041 --> 01:19:41,000 I am not drunk. You cannot tell that I am drunk. 1263 01:19:41,082 --> 01:19:42,875 - I'm drunk. - So am I. 1264 01:19:42,957 --> 01:19:44,707 - I am a major drunk. - Shut up and dial. 1265 01:19:44,791 --> 01:19:49,125 I'm a major drunk of this or any other season. 1266 01:19:56,041 --> 01:19:57,707 It's ringing. It's no longer BY. 1267 01:20:00,832 --> 01:20:02,500 - Hello? - One point. 1268 01:20:05,000 --> 01:20:06,000 Who's speaking? 1269 01:20:07,457 --> 01:20:08,457 Who? 1270 01:20:10,041 --> 01:20:11,375 Dr. Delbert Botts? 1271 01:20:11,457 --> 01:20:12,625 Two points. 1272 01:20:17,457 --> 01:20:19,207 Del, is this really you? 1273 01:20:22,625 --> 01:20:24,791 Nobody. 1274 01:20:28,625 --> 01:20:31,332 Yeah, you don't know me. You wouldn't remember me. 1275 01:20:32,166 --> 01:20:33,166 Um… 1276 01:20:37,375 --> 01:20:38,666 I'm just a friend. 1277 01:20:40,791 --> 01:20:42,957 A falling-down, drunken friend. 1278 01:20:47,582 --> 01:20:48,707 Hello? 1279 01:20:51,457 --> 01:20:52,457 Hello? 1280 01:20:56,625 --> 01:20:57,625 Hello? 1281 01:21:10,500 --> 01:21:13,582 - He hung up. - Three points total. You're winning. 1282 01:21:13,666 --> 01:21:15,125 He said I must have the wrong party. 1283 01:21:15,207 --> 01:21:17,916 Well, he's right. We have the wrong party. 1284 01:21:19,707 --> 01:21:22,082 It's your party, Hallie. Having a good time? 1285 01:21:22,166 --> 01:21:23,666 Simply fabulous. 1286 01:21:23,750 --> 01:21:26,291 How about you? Are you having a good time, Emory? 1287 01:21:26,375 --> 01:21:29,082 Are you having as good a time as you thought you would? 1288 01:21:35,625 --> 01:21:38,000 - My turn now. - No, it's my turn to call Charlie. 1289 01:21:38,082 --> 01:21:40,916 No… Let me. 1290 01:21:42,791 --> 01:21:44,332 Are you gonna call Charlie? 1291 01:21:45,250 --> 01:21:46,875 Don't, Hank. 1292 01:21:46,957 --> 01:21:47,957 I want to. 1293 01:21:50,666 --> 01:21:51,666 Larry. 1294 01:21:54,666 --> 01:21:56,457 Be my eager guest. 1295 01:21:58,625 --> 01:22:00,166 Is he gonna call Charlie for you? 1296 01:22:00,750 --> 01:22:03,291 Charlie is all the people I cheat on Hank with. 1297 01:22:03,375 --> 01:22:05,166 With whom I cheat on Hank. 1298 01:22:05,250 --> 01:22:07,625 The butcher, the baker, the candlestick maker. 1299 01:22:07,707 --> 01:22:09,666 Right! I love 'em all, 1300 01:22:09,750 --> 01:22:13,082 but what Hank refuses to understand is I gotta have 'em all. 1301 01:22:13,166 --> 01:22:15,541 I'm not the marrying kind. I never will be. 1302 01:22:15,625 --> 01:22:16,707 Who're you calling? 1303 01:22:16,791 --> 01:22:18,250 Did it ever occur to you 1304 01:22:18,332 --> 01:22:20,666 that Hank might be doing the same thing behind your back 1305 01:22:20,750 --> 01:22:21,750 that you do behind his? 1306 01:22:21,832 --> 01:22:25,832 I wish to Christ he would. Would make life a hell of a lot easier. 1307 01:22:25,916 --> 01:22:26,791 Who are you calling? 1308 01:22:26,875 --> 01:22:30,916 Well, whoever it is, they're not sitting on top of the telephone. 1309 01:22:31,000 --> 01:22:33,166 - Hello? - Must have been in the tub. 1310 01:22:33,250 --> 01:22:34,166 One point. 1311 01:22:34,250 --> 01:22:37,416 - I'd like to leave a message. - Oh, not in. One point. 1312 01:22:37,500 --> 01:22:39,166 Would you say that Hank called? 1313 01:22:40,582 --> 01:22:41,582 Yes, it is. 1314 01:22:43,041 --> 01:22:45,582 - Oh, good evening. How are you? - Who the hell is that? 1315 01:22:45,666 --> 01:22:48,875 Yes, that's right. The message is for my roommate, Larry. 1316 01:22:48,957 --> 01:22:50,416 Just say that I called… 1317 01:22:50,500 --> 01:22:52,457 It's our answering service. 1318 01:22:52,541 --> 01:22:54,916 …and said I love you. 1319 01:22:56,582 --> 01:22:58,000 Hank, are you crazy? 1320 01:22:59,000 --> 01:23:01,582 You heard me correctly. The message is for Larry. 1321 01:23:01,666 --> 01:23:04,250 It's from me, Hank, and it is just as I said. 1322 01:23:07,541 --> 01:23:08,582 I love you. 1323 01:23:12,375 --> 01:23:13,375 Yeah, thanks. 1324 01:23:14,582 --> 01:23:16,291 Seven points total. 1325 01:23:16,375 --> 01:23:20,082 Hank, you're ahead, baby! You're way, way ahead of everybody. 1326 01:23:20,166 --> 01:23:22,416 Why, Hank? Why did you do that? 1327 01:23:23,832 --> 01:23:26,541 Because I do love him, and I don't care who knows it. 1328 01:23:26,625 --> 01:23:28,916 - Don't say that. - Why not? It's the truth. 1329 01:23:30,457 --> 01:23:32,332 I left my wife and family for Larry. 1330 01:23:32,416 --> 01:23:34,875 - I'm not interested in hearing about it. - Sure you are. 1331 01:23:34,957 --> 01:23:36,666 Go ahead, Hankola. Tell him all about it. 1332 01:23:36,750 --> 01:23:39,850 - I don't want to hear it! It's disgusting. - Some men do it for another woman. 1333 01:23:39,875 --> 01:23:42,457 Well, I can understand that. That's normal. 1334 01:23:45,041 --> 01:23:47,000 It doesn't always work out that way, Alan. 1335 01:23:48,166 --> 01:23:50,832 No matter how you might want it to, and God knows, 1336 01:23:50,916 --> 01:23:53,000 nobody ever wanted it more than I did. 1337 01:23:55,500 --> 01:23:58,000 I really and truly felt I was in love with my wife 1338 01:23:58,082 --> 01:23:59,416 when I married her, but… 1339 01:24:01,457 --> 01:24:03,332 There was always that something else. 1340 01:24:03,875 --> 01:24:05,000 Always? 1341 01:24:09,250 --> 01:24:12,082 I don't know. I suppose so. 1342 01:24:12,916 --> 01:24:15,666 I've known what I was since I was four years old. 1343 01:24:15,750 --> 01:24:18,291 Oh, everybody's always known it about you, Emory. 1344 01:24:18,375 --> 01:24:20,832 I've always known it about myself, too. 1345 01:24:22,166 --> 01:24:24,666 I don't know when I first admitted it to myself that… 1346 01:24:27,832 --> 01:24:30,666 I always labeled it something else or denied it completely. 1347 01:24:30,750 --> 01:24:33,875 Oh. "Christ, was I drunk last night." 1348 01:24:33,957 --> 01:24:36,500 There came a time where I couldn't lie to myself anymore. 1349 01:24:37,666 --> 01:24:41,291 I thought about it but never did anything about it. 1350 01:24:44,707 --> 01:24:47,457 The first time was during my wife's last pregnancy. 1351 01:24:50,375 --> 01:24:52,666 We lived near New Haven in the country. 1352 01:24:52,750 --> 01:24:54,750 There was this teachers' meeting in New York. 1353 01:24:56,332 --> 01:24:59,875 My wife didn't feel up to the trip. I came into town on my own and… 1354 01:25:01,625 --> 01:25:04,041 That day on the train, I began to think about it. 1355 01:25:05,791 --> 01:25:07,041 And think about it. 1356 01:25:08,582 --> 01:25:09,916 And think about it. 1357 01:25:12,541 --> 01:25:14,375 I thought of nothing else the whole trip. 1358 01:25:17,207 --> 01:25:19,207 And then 15 minutes after I had arrived, 1359 01:25:19,291 --> 01:25:22,500 I'd picked up a guy in the men's room of Grand Central Station. 1360 01:25:22,582 --> 01:25:23,916 Jesus. 1361 01:25:24,500 --> 01:25:26,457 I'd never done anything like that before. 1362 01:25:28,625 --> 01:25:30,125 I was scared to death. 1363 01:26:02,457 --> 01:26:04,541 He turned out to be a nice fellow. 1364 01:26:07,375 --> 01:26:08,791 I've never seen him again. 1365 01:26:09,750 --> 01:26:10,957 You know, it's funny. 1366 01:26:13,207 --> 01:26:15,250 Can't even remember his name anymore. 1367 01:26:18,332 --> 01:26:20,041 Anyway, after that, it got easier. 1368 01:26:20,125 --> 01:26:22,207 Practice makes perfect. 1369 01:26:22,291 --> 01:26:24,416 Then, sometime later, 1370 01:26:25,791 --> 01:26:28,791 Larry and I met at a party my wife and I went in town for. 1371 01:26:28,875 --> 01:26:31,541 And your real troubles began. 1372 01:26:31,625 --> 01:26:32,957 That was two years ago. 1373 01:26:35,416 --> 01:26:41,541 Why am I always the goddamn villain in this piece? 1374 01:26:42,375 --> 01:26:44,666 If I'm not the happy home-wrecker, 1375 01:26:44,750 --> 01:26:47,582 I'm an impossible son of a bitch to live with. 1376 01:26:47,666 --> 01:26:49,957 Guilt turns to hostility. 1377 01:26:50,666 --> 01:26:53,916 - Isn't that right, Michael? - Go stick your tweezers in your cheek. 1378 01:26:54,000 --> 01:26:55,707 I'm fed up to the teeth 1379 01:26:55,791 --> 01:26:59,582 with everybody feeling so sorry for poor, put-upon Hank. 1380 01:26:59,666 --> 01:27:02,166 Aw, Larry, everybody knows you're Frieda Fickle. 1381 01:27:02,250 --> 01:27:04,541 Hey, I never made any promises. 1382 01:27:04,625 --> 01:27:05,707 I never intend to. 1383 01:27:05,791 --> 01:27:09,332 It's my right to lead my sex life without answering to anybody, 1384 01:27:09,416 --> 01:27:10,582 Hank included. 1385 01:27:10,666 --> 01:27:15,250 And if those terms aren't acceptable, then we can't go on living together. 1386 01:27:15,332 --> 01:27:18,000 Numerous relations is a part of the way I am. 1387 01:27:18,082 --> 01:27:19,832 You don't have to be gay to be a wanton. 1388 01:27:19,916 --> 01:27:24,000 By the way I am, I don't mean gay. And Emory… 1389 01:27:24,082 --> 01:27:25,957 You are the most promiscuous person I know. 1390 01:27:26,041 --> 01:27:28,625 I am not promiscuous at all! 1391 01:27:28,707 --> 01:27:30,666 Not by choice, by design. 1392 01:27:30,750 --> 01:27:33,957 Why would anybody want to go to bed with a flaming little sissy like you? 1393 01:27:34,041 --> 01:27:35,875 - Michael! - Who'd make a pass at you? 1394 01:27:35,957 --> 01:27:37,582 I'll tell you who. Nobody. 1395 01:27:37,666 --> 01:27:39,957 Except maybe some fugitive from the Braille Institute. 1396 01:27:40,041 --> 01:27:43,957 - Why do you let him talk to you that way? - Physical beauty isn't everything. 1397 01:27:44,041 --> 01:27:46,000 Thank you, Quasimodo. 1398 01:27:46,082 --> 01:27:49,875 What do you think it's like living with a goddamn Gestapo, huh? 1399 01:27:49,957 --> 01:27:52,375 Can't even take a breath without getting the third degree. 1400 01:27:52,457 --> 01:27:55,707 - Larry, it's your turn to call. - And I am so sick of this 1401 01:27:55,791 --> 01:27:59,082 let's-be-faithful- and-never-look-at-another-person routine. 1402 01:27:59,166 --> 01:28:01,416 That doesn't work. If you want to promise that, fine. 1403 01:28:01,500 --> 01:28:03,582 Then you promise it, and you stick to it. 1404 01:28:03,666 --> 01:28:05,457 But if you have to promise it, 1405 01:28:05,541 --> 01:28:08,666 as far as I'm concerned, nothing finishes a relationship faster. 1406 01:28:08,750 --> 01:28:11,207 Give me Librium or give me meth. 1407 01:28:11,291 --> 01:28:12,875 Yeah, freedom, baby! Freedom! 1408 01:28:12,957 --> 01:28:17,125 You got to have it. It doesn't work any other way. 1409 01:28:17,207 --> 01:28:23,332 And-And the ones who swear their undying fidelity to each other are lying. 1410 01:28:24,291 --> 01:28:26,500 Most of them, anyway. 90% of them. 1411 01:28:26,582 --> 01:28:29,916 They cheat on each other constantly and then lie through their teeth. 1412 01:28:30,416 --> 01:28:33,541 I'm sorry I can't be like that. It drives Hank up the wall. 1413 01:28:33,625 --> 01:28:35,041 There is that 10%. 1414 01:28:35,125 --> 01:28:39,791 The only way it stands a chance is with some kind of understanding. 1415 01:28:39,875 --> 01:28:41,194 I've tried to go along with that. 1416 01:28:41,832 --> 01:28:43,375 - Come on! - I agreed to an agreement. 1417 01:28:43,457 --> 01:28:45,291 - Your agreement! - What agreement? 1418 01:28:45,375 --> 01:28:47,625 A ménage. 1419 01:28:48,375 --> 01:28:51,582 A lot of people think that's the answer, but that's not my style. 1420 01:28:51,666 --> 01:28:53,041 I certainly didn't want it! 1421 01:28:53,125 --> 01:28:55,000 - Then who suggested it? - It was a compromise! 1422 01:28:55,082 --> 01:28:56,125 - Exactly! - You agreed! 1423 01:28:56,207 --> 01:28:57,791 I didn't agree to anything. 1424 01:28:57,875 --> 01:29:01,207 You agreed to your own proposal and then informed me that I agreed! 1425 01:29:01,291 --> 01:29:02,832 I don't understand. What's a... 1426 01:29:02,916 --> 01:29:04,582 I will kick you! 1427 01:29:04,666 --> 01:29:08,791 The ménage, baby. Two's company, three's a ménage. 1428 01:29:10,875 --> 01:29:12,082 Oh. 1429 01:29:12,166 --> 01:29:13,457 It works for some. 1430 01:29:13,541 --> 01:29:15,957 Well, I'm not one for group therapy. 1431 01:29:16,041 --> 01:29:18,582 I can't relate to anyone or anything like that. 1432 01:29:19,457 --> 01:29:20,457 I'm old-fashioned. 1433 01:29:20,541 --> 01:29:23,582 I like 'em all, but I like 'em one at a time. 1434 01:29:24,375 --> 01:29:27,957 Did you like Donald as a single side attraction? 1435 01:29:53,875 --> 01:29:54,957 Yes. 1436 01:29:58,291 --> 01:30:00,416 - Did you tell him? - No. 1437 01:30:00,500 --> 01:30:03,000 It was perfectly obvious from the moment you walked in. 1438 01:30:03,082 --> 01:30:04,416 What was that song and dance 1439 01:30:04,500 --> 01:30:06,957 about having seen each other but never having met? 1440 01:30:07,582 --> 01:30:09,250 Don't look at me like that, Hank. 1441 01:30:11,582 --> 01:30:14,707 You've been playing footsie with that penguin all night. 1442 01:30:14,791 --> 01:30:17,059 Oh! I suppose you want the three of us to have a go at it. 1443 01:30:17,082 --> 01:30:19,832 - At least that would be together. - Well, that point eludes me. 1444 01:30:19,916 --> 01:30:22,250 What kind of an understanding do you want? 1445 01:30:22,332 --> 01:30:23,500 Respect! 1446 01:30:23,582 --> 01:30:27,666 Respect for each other's freedom without any need to lie or pretend. 1447 01:30:27,750 --> 01:30:30,125 Hank, in my way, I love you, 1448 01:30:30,207 --> 01:30:33,207 but you have to understand although I want to live with you, 1449 01:30:33,291 --> 01:30:34,832 sometimes there might be others. 1450 01:30:34,916 --> 01:30:37,332 If that happens, I know I'll never mention it. 1451 01:30:37,416 --> 01:30:40,666 But if you ask me, I will tell you. 1452 01:30:40,750 --> 01:30:42,041 He gets points! 1453 01:30:42,666 --> 01:30:43,666 What? 1454 01:30:44,750 --> 01:30:47,457 He said it. He said "I love you" to Hank. He gets the bonus. 1455 01:30:47,541 --> 01:30:49,457 - He didn't call him. - He called him. 1456 01:30:49,541 --> 01:30:50,916 He just didn't use the telephone. 1457 01:30:51,000 --> 01:30:54,291 - Then he doesn't get any points. - He gets five points. 1458 01:30:54,375 --> 01:30:57,582 He didn't use the telephone. He doesn't get a goddamn thing! 1459 01:31:16,832 --> 01:31:18,541 It's for you, Hank! 1460 01:31:31,207 --> 01:31:32,207 Hello? 1461 01:31:32,625 --> 01:31:33,625 One point. 1462 01:31:36,791 --> 01:31:38,207 Hello, Hank. 1463 01:31:39,125 --> 01:31:40,207 Two points. 1464 01:31:42,332 --> 01:31:43,625 This is Larry. 1465 01:31:44,750 --> 01:31:46,332 Two more points. 1466 01:31:48,457 --> 01:31:50,791 For what it's worth, I love you. 1467 01:31:53,332 --> 01:31:54,582 Five-point bonus. 1468 01:31:57,041 --> 01:31:58,041 I'll… 1469 01:31:59,666 --> 01:32:00,750 I'll try. 1470 01:32:10,375 --> 01:32:11,500 I will, too. 1471 01:32:16,875 --> 01:32:20,041 - That's ten points total. - Larry is the winner. 1472 01:32:22,916 --> 01:32:26,082 Well, that wasn't as much fun as I thought it would be. 1473 01:32:26,166 --> 01:32:27,875 Game isn't over yet. 1474 01:32:28,666 --> 01:32:32,291 It's your turn, Alan. Pick up the phone, buster. 1475 01:32:32,375 --> 01:32:33,809 - Michael, don't. - Stay out of this! 1476 01:32:33,832 --> 01:32:35,582 You don't have to, Alan. You don't. 1477 01:32:35,666 --> 01:32:40,000 Emory, I'm sorry for what I did before. 1478 01:32:41,957 --> 01:32:42,957 Forget it. 1479 01:32:43,541 --> 01:32:45,625 Forgive us our trespasses. 1480 01:32:45,707 --> 01:32:46,791 Christ. 1481 01:32:46,875 --> 01:32:48,916 You guys joined at the goddamn hip now? 1482 01:32:49,707 --> 01:32:52,541 Who are you going to call, Alan? Hmm? 1483 01:32:56,707 --> 01:32:58,166 Can't remember anyone? 1484 01:32:59,916 --> 01:33:03,250 I believe this will be the final round. 1485 01:33:03,832 --> 01:33:06,125 Michael, aren't you gonna call anyone? 1486 01:33:06,957 --> 01:33:10,582 How could he? He's never loved anyone. 1487 01:33:22,791 --> 01:33:25,666 My God, Michael, you're a charming host. 1488 01:33:25,750 --> 01:33:28,250 Michael doesn't have charm, Donald. 1489 01:33:29,166 --> 01:33:32,207 Michael has counter-charm. 1490 01:33:34,332 --> 01:33:37,291 - Wait, are you going somewhere? - Yes, excuse me. 1491 01:33:37,375 --> 01:33:39,457 You're going to miss the end of the game. 1492 01:33:40,041 --> 01:33:42,541 With any luck, I won't be down until it's all over. 1493 01:34:09,291 --> 01:34:12,582 What do you suppose is going on up there, hmm, Alan? 1494 01:34:14,000 --> 01:34:18,207 What do you imagine that Larry and Hank are doing up there, hmm? 1495 01:34:18,291 --> 01:34:20,832 Whatever they're doing, they aren't hurting anyone. 1496 01:34:20,916 --> 01:34:22,875 And they're minding their own business. 1497 01:34:22,957 --> 01:34:25,125 Yeah, and you mind yours, Harold. I'm warning you. 1498 01:34:27,041 --> 01:34:28,166 Are you, now? 1499 01:34:29,666 --> 01:34:31,041 Are you warning me? 1500 01:34:32,957 --> 01:34:33,957 Me? 1501 01:34:40,625 --> 01:34:41,875 I'm Harold. 1502 01:34:43,832 --> 01:34:46,166 I'm the one person you don't warn, Michael, 1503 01:34:46,250 --> 01:34:48,125 because you and I are a match. 1504 01:34:49,541 --> 01:34:52,707 And we tread very softly with each other 1505 01:34:52,791 --> 01:34:55,582 because we both play each other's game too well. 1506 01:34:57,207 --> 01:35:00,082 I know this game you're playing. 1507 01:35:01,666 --> 01:35:04,500 I know it very well, and I play it very well. 1508 01:35:04,582 --> 01:35:06,875 You play it very well, too, but you know what? 1509 01:35:08,416 --> 01:35:12,582 I'm the only one who's better at it than you are. 1510 01:35:12,666 --> 01:35:15,500 I can beat you at it, so don't push me. 1511 01:35:18,125 --> 01:35:21,750 I'm warning you. 1512 01:35:34,207 --> 01:35:35,416 You're funny, Hallie. 1513 01:35:36,125 --> 01:35:38,416 You're a laugh riot. Isn't he funny, Alan? 1514 01:35:38,500 --> 01:35:41,375 Or as you might say, "Isn't he amusing?" 1515 01:35:41,457 --> 01:35:43,500 He's an amusing faggot, isn't he? 1516 01:35:44,375 --> 01:35:46,375 Or, as you might say, freak. 1517 01:35:47,000 --> 01:35:50,875 That's what you called Emory, wasn't it? A freak, a pansy. 1518 01:35:51,457 --> 01:35:54,707 God, what an antiquated vocabulary you have. 1519 01:35:54,791 --> 01:35:58,166 I'm surprised you didn't say "sodomite" or "pederast." 1520 01:35:58,250 --> 01:36:00,332 You better let me bring you up to date. 1521 01:36:00,416 --> 01:36:03,457 Have you ever heard the term "closet-queen"? 1522 01:36:03,541 --> 01:36:04,791 You know what that means? 1523 01:36:05,332 --> 01:36:08,666 Do you know what it means to be "in the closet"? 1524 01:36:08,750 --> 01:36:11,041 If you're insinuating that I'm a homosexual, 1525 01:36:11,125 --> 01:36:13,041 I can only say that you're mistaken. 1526 01:36:14,250 --> 01:36:15,250 Am I? 1527 01:36:19,207 --> 01:36:21,207 What about Justin Stuart? 1528 01:36:21,791 --> 01:36:22,916 What about Justin Stuart? 1529 01:36:23,000 --> 01:36:25,916 You were in love with him, that's what about him. 1530 01:36:26,000 --> 01:36:28,000 And that is who you are going to call. 1531 01:36:28,082 --> 01:36:30,875 Justin and I were very good friends. That's all. 1532 01:36:30,957 --> 01:36:34,416 According to Justin, that friendship was quite passionate. 1533 01:36:34,500 --> 01:36:35,500 What do you mean? 1534 01:36:35,541 --> 01:36:37,875 I mean that you slept with him in college several times. 1535 01:36:37,957 --> 01:36:39,875 - That's not true. - Several times. 1536 01:36:39,957 --> 01:36:42,832 One time, it's youth. Twice is a phase, maybe. 1537 01:36:42,916 --> 01:36:45,207 Several times, you like it. 1538 01:36:45,291 --> 01:36:47,500 - It's not true. - Yes, it is! 1539 01:36:47,582 --> 01:36:50,250 Because Justin Stuart is a homosexual! 1540 01:36:51,541 --> 01:36:53,916 He comes to New York on occasion, and he calls me. 1541 01:36:54,000 --> 01:36:55,375 I've taken him to parties. 1542 01:36:55,457 --> 01:36:59,250 Larry had him once, and he has told me all about you. 1543 01:36:59,332 --> 01:37:00,750 Then he told you a lie. 1544 01:37:00,832 --> 01:37:03,625 You were obsessed with Justin. 1545 01:37:03,707 --> 01:37:07,207 That is all you talked about morning, noon and night. 1546 01:37:07,291 --> 01:37:10,666 You started doing it about Hank upstairs tonight. 1547 01:37:10,750 --> 01:37:13,416 "What an attractive fella he is." All that transparent crap. 1548 01:37:13,500 --> 01:37:17,832 - I said he was attractive. That's all. - How many times do you have to say it? 1549 01:37:17,916 --> 01:37:21,541 How many times did you have to say it about Justin? 1550 01:37:21,625 --> 01:37:25,000 What a good tennis player he was, what a good dancer he was, 1551 01:37:25,082 --> 01:37:28,125 what a good body he had, how bright he was, 1552 01:37:28,207 --> 01:37:32,582 how amusing he was, how-how the girls were all mad for him, 1553 01:37:32,666 --> 01:37:34,666 what close friends you were. 1554 01:37:34,750 --> 01:37:37,082 We were very close, very good friends. That's all. 1555 01:37:37,166 --> 01:37:39,000 It was obvious. 1556 01:37:39,082 --> 01:37:42,457 And when you did it around Fran, it was downright embarrassing. 1557 01:37:42,541 --> 01:37:45,291 - Even she must have her doubts about you. - Justin lied. 1558 01:37:46,416 --> 01:37:48,082 If he told you that, he lied. 1559 01:37:48,166 --> 01:37:51,291 He'd say anything about me now to get even. 1560 01:37:52,041 --> 01:37:54,625 He could never get over the fact that I dropped him. 1561 01:37:54,707 --> 01:37:56,707 You ended the friendship, Alan, 1562 01:37:57,500 --> 01:38:00,332 because you couldn't face the truth about yourself. 1563 01:38:00,416 --> 01:38:04,541 You could go on sleeping with Justin as long as he lied to himself 1564 01:38:04,625 --> 01:38:06,291 and you lied to yourself. 1565 01:38:06,375 --> 01:38:10,541 And you both dated girls and you labeled yourselves men 1566 01:38:10,625 --> 01:38:12,916 and you called yourselves "just fond friends," 1567 01:38:13,000 --> 01:38:16,916 but Justin finally had to be honest, and you couldn't take it. 1568 01:38:17,000 --> 01:38:18,916 - You couldn't take it, and so… - No. 1569 01:38:19,000 --> 01:38:21,666 …you destroyed the friendship and your friend along with it. 1570 01:38:21,750 --> 01:38:22,750 - No. - Oh, yes. 1571 01:38:22,791 --> 01:38:27,250 Justin never understood what he had done wrong to make you drop him. 1572 01:38:27,332 --> 01:38:28,541 - He blamed himself. - No. 1573 01:38:28,625 --> 01:38:31,875 He did, until he eventually found out who he was. 1574 01:38:31,957 --> 01:38:33,041 - And what he was. - No! 1575 01:38:33,125 --> 01:38:36,500 But to this day, he still remembers the treatment. 1576 01:38:36,582 --> 01:38:38,291 - Scars he got from you. - No. 1577 01:38:38,375 --> 01:38:41,082 You pick up this phone, and you call Justin. 1578 01:38:41,166 --> 01:38:42,000 No. 1579 01:38:42,082 --> 01:38:44,250 I want you to call him and apologize. 1580 01:38:44,332 --> 01:38:47,416 You tell him what you should have told him many years ago. 1581 01:38:47,500 --> 01:38:50,250 - He lied. Not a word of it is true! - Call him! 1582 01:38:53,041 --> 01:38:54,666 All right, then I'll dial. 1583 01:38:56,541 --> 01:38:58,375 You're so helpful. 1584 01:38:59,707 --> 01:39:00,750 Give it to me. 1585 01:39:34,625 --> 01:39:35,625 Hello? 1586 01:39:36,041 --> 01:39:37,082 One point. 1587 01:39:39,041 --> 01:39:40,250 It's Alan. 1588 01:39:40,332 --> 01:39:41,332 Two points. 1589 01:39:43,707 --> 01:39:46,041 - Yes. Yes, it's me. - Is that Justin? 1590 01:39:47,000 --> 01:39:49,291 You sound surprised. 1591 01:39:49,375 --> 01:39:51,625 I should hope to think so, after all this time. 1592 01:39:51,707 --> 01:39:52,707 Two more points. 1593 01:39:54,082 --> 01:39:55,166 I'm in New York. 1594 01:39:57,416 --> 01:39:58,541 Yes, I… 1595 01:40:01,332 --> 01:40:03,332 I won't explain now, I just… 1596 01:40:05,582 --> 01:40:06,791 Called to tell you… 1597 01:40:09,625 --> 01:40:13,125 That I love you. God damn it, I love you. 1598 01:40:16,875 --> 01:40:18,041 I love you. 1599 01:40:18,125 --> 01:40:22,332 You get the goddamn bonus. Ten points total. Jackpot! 1600 01:40:22,416 --> 01:40:25,957 - I love you, and I beg you to forgive me. - Give me that. Give me that! 1601 01:40:26,041 --> 01:40:28,957 Justin, did you hear what that son of a bitch said? 1602 01:40:33,957 --> 01:40:34,957 Fran. 1603 01:40:36,707 --> 01:40:40,625 No, of course I knew it was you. 1604 01:40:41,125 --> 01:40:42,332 How are you? 1605 01:40:44,416 --> 01:40:45,416 Yes. 1606 01:40:46,125 --> 01:40:47,750 Yes, he told me everything. 1607 01:40:49,207 --> 01:40:51,250 No, now, don't thank me. 1608 01:40:51,332 --> 01:40:53,375 Please. Please, don't thank me. 1609 01:40:57,125 --> 01:40:59,416 I'll put him back on. 1610 01:41:03,625 --> 01:41:04,916 My love to the kids. 1611 01:41:15,957 --> 01:41:18,791 Darling, I'll take the first plane I can get. 1612 01:41:20,166 --> 01:41:21,666 Yes, I'm sorry, too. 1613 01:41:23,707 --> 01:41:24,957 I love you very much. 1614 01:41:54,332 --> 01:41:55,625 Thank you, Michael. 1615 01:42:09,832 --> 01:42:10,832 Who won? 1616 01:42:11,957 --> 01:42:13,625 It was a tie. 1617 01:42:21,416 --> 01:42:24,832 Now, it is my turn. 1618 01:42:27,957 --> 01:42:30,291 And ready or not, Michael, here goes. 1619 01:42:34,041 --> 01:42:39,541 You are a sad… and pathetic man. 1620 01:42:43,082 --> 01:42:46,207 You're a homosexual, and you don't want to be. 1621 01:42:48,541 --> 01:42:51,250 But there is nothing you can do to change it. 1622 01:42:53,582 --> 01:42:56,957 Not all your prayers to your God, 1623 01:42:58,707 --> 01:43:04,207 not all the analysis you can buy in all the years you have yet to live. 1624 01:43:06,375 --> 01:43:11,582 We may very well one day be able to know what it is to live a heterosexual life 1625 01:43:12,957 --> 01:43:15,000 if you want it desperately enough, 1626 01:43:17,207 --> 01:43:21,666 if you pursue it with the fervor with which you annihilate. 1627 01:43:28,082 --> 01:43:31,875 But you will always be homosexual as well. 1628 01:43:35,791 --> 01:43:37,332 Always, Michael. 1629 01:43:40,666 --> 01:43:41,666 Always. 1630 01:43:44,541 --> 01:43:46,707 Until the day you die. 1631 01:43:53,957 --> 01:43:55,916 Oh, friends… 1632 01:43:57,500 --> 01:44:01,332 Thank you for a nifty party and a super gift. 1633 01:44:01,416 --> 01:44:04,000 It's just what I needed. 1634 01:44:11,541 --> 01:44:13,625 Bernard, thank you. 1635 01:44:17,375 --> 01:44:18,791 And you'll get him home? 1636 01:44:18,875 --> 01:44:22,332 Don't worry about her. I'll take care of everything. 1637 01:44:25,707 --> 01:44:27,125 Good to see you, Donald. 1638 01:44:27,625 --> 01:44:28,707 Good night, Harold. 1639 01:44:29,957 --> 01:44:32,582 - See you again sometime. - Yeah. 1640 01:44:35,291 --> 01:44:37,500 How about a year from Shavuot? 1641 01:44:39,332 --> 01:44:42,041 Come on, Tex. Let's go to my place. 1642 01:44:45,875 --> 01:44:47,541 Are you good in bed? 1643 01:44:49,457 --> 01:44:53,082 Well… I try to show a little affection. 1644 01:44:55,457 --> 01:44:57,750 Keeps me from feeling like such a whore. 1645 01:45:03,332 --> 01:45:06,207 Uh, Michael, thanks for the laughs. 1646 01:45:13,832 --> 01:45:14,957 Call you tomorrow. 1647 01:45:21,582 --> 01:45:23,582 Come on, Bernard. Time to go home. 1648 01:45:24,125 --> 01:45:26,082 Mary, you're a heavy mother. 1649 01:45:27,375 --> 01:45:29,625 Why'd I call? 1650 01:45:31,707 --> 01:45:33,750 - Why? - Hey, thank you, Michael. 1651 01:45:33,832 --> 01:45:35,832 - Good night, Donald. - Good night, Emory. 1652 01:45:42,375 --> 01:45:44,250 I'm gonna take you for some coffee, 1653 01:45:44,332 --> 01:45:46,166 and everything's gonna be all right. 1654 01:45:46,250 --> 01:45:48,625 Careful. 1655 01:46:12,791 --> 01:46:13,791 Donald? 1656 01:46:14,416 --> 01:46:16,957 - Donald, Donald. Donald? - Michael? 1657 01:46:17,041 --> 01:46:19,625 - Oh, my God, what have I done? - Christ, Michael. 1658 01:46:19,707 --> 01:46:21,457 - Oh, God. - Michael, I'm not... 1659 01:46:21,541 --> 01:46:24,125 Oh, no. Oh, no. 1660 01:46:24,207 --> 01:46:26,582 - Hey, hey. - God, Donald. Oh, my God, no! 1661 01:46:26,666 --> 01:46:29,457 - I'll get you some water. Here. - God, what have I done? 1662 01:46:29,541 --> 01:46:31,250 - Hey, stop it. Stop it. - Jesus, God. 1663 01:46:31,332 --> 01:46:32,750 I'm gonna give you a Valium. 1664 01:46:32,832 --> 01:46:35,750 - No! Not pills and alcohol. I'm gonna die! - I'm not… 1665 01:46:35,832 --> 01:46:37,750 Come on, take this. You're scaring me. 1666 01:46:37,832 --> 01:46:39,166 Stop that crying. Take this pill. 1667 01:46:44,291 --> 01:46:45,875 Come here. Come here, Michael. 1668 01:46:45,957 --> 01:46:48,625 - Come here, Michael! Come here! - Get off of me! 1669 01:46:48,707 --> 01:46:49,707 Jesus Christ. 1670 01:46:55,832 --> 01:46:58,707 Hey. 1671 01:46:59,916 --> 01:47:00,916 It's okay. 1672 01:47:02,375 --> 01:47:03,375 It's okay. 1673 01:47:08,500 --> 01:47:09,500 It's okay. 1674 01:47:13,375 --> 01:47:14,457 Hey, it's okay. 1675 01:47:17,082 --> 01:47:18,082 It's okay. 1676 01:47:26,166 --> 01:47:28,125 Who was it that always used to say, 1677 01:47:29,000 --> 01:47:33,582 "Show me a happy homosexual, and I'll show you a gay corpse"? 1678 01:47:35,541 --> 01:47:36,541 I don't know. 1679 01:47:37,500 --> 01:47:39,457 Who was it who always used to say that? 1680 01:47:43,416 --> 01:47:46,291 If we could just not hate ourselves so much. 1681 01:47:48,000 --> 01:47:50,916 That's it, you know? 1682 01:47:53,041 --> 01:47:54,207 If we could just… 1683 01:47:55,332 --> 01:47:59,082 Oh. If we could just learn not to hate ourselves… 1684 01:48:00,291 --> 01:48:01,916 Quite so very much. 1685 01:48:03,957 --> 01:48:04,957 Yes, I know. 1686 01:48:08,082 --> 01:48:10,082 I know. 1687 01:48:24,416 --> 01:48:25,416 Okay. 1688 01:48:37,957 --> 01:48:40,291 By the way, I think your analyst is a quack. 1689 01:48:42,332 --> 01:48:46,625 - Earlier, you said he was a prick. - That's right. He's a prick quack. 1690 01:48:46,707 --> 01:48:49,041 - Or a quack prick. Whichever you prefer. - Okay. 1691 01:48:54,000 --> 01:48:55,375 Harold was right. 1692 01:49:01,332 --> 01:49:02,750 You'll never change. 1693 01:49:28,957 --> 01:49:32,750 You suppose there's any possibility of just flushing this place? 1694 01:49:38,041 --> 01:49:39,125 What time is it? 1695 01:49:39,916 --> 01:49:41,000 It's early. 1696 01:49:44,916 --> 01:49:46,000 Where are you going? 1697 01:49:48,707 --> 01:49:50,625 The bedroom's ocupado, 1698 01:49:51,582 --> 01:49:53,707 and I don't want to go to sleep yet anyway. 1699 01:49:54,957 --> 01:49:56,875 I'm gonna try and walk off this booze. 1700 01:49:57,375 --> 01:49:58,791 If I went to sleep right now, 1701 01:49:58,875 --> 01:50:01,875 when I woke up, they'd have to put me in a padded cell. 1702 01:50:02,750 --> 01:50:04,625 Not that that's where I don't belong. 1703 01:50:10,457 --> 01:50:12,707 There's a midnight mass over at St. Malachy's 1704 01:50:12,791 --> 01:50:14,582 that all the show people go to. I th... 1705 01:50:15,250 --> 01:50:17,125 I think I'll walk over and catch it. 1706 01:50:20,332 --> 01:50:21,916 Well, pray for me. 1707 01:50:25,375 --> 01:50:27,291 Maybe they'll be gone when I get back. 1708 01:50:31,791 --> 01:50:33,791 Will I see you again next Saturday? 1709 01:50:36,582 --> 01:50:38,125 Unless you have other plans. 1710 01:50:41,916 --> 01:50:42,916 No. 1711 01:50:44,625 --> 01:50:46,250 - Michael. - What? 1712 01:50:47,916 --> 01:50:50,332 Did he ever tell you why he was crying on the phone? 1713 01:50:50,416 --> 01:50:51,416 No. 1714 01:50:52,541 --> 01:50:54,457 It must have been that he'd left Fran. 1715 01:50:56,500 --> 01:50:59,500 Or maybe it was something else, and he changed his mind. 1716 01:50:59,582 --> 01:51:00,707 Maybe so. 1717 01:51:03,332 --> 01:51:04,750 I wonder why he left her. 1718 01:51:07,916 --> 01:51:10,832 As my father said to me when he died in my arms, 1719 01:51:12,916 --> 01:51:14,707 "I don't understand any of it." 1720 01:51:15,707 --> 01:51:16,957 "I never did." 1721 01:51:18,500 --> 01:51:20,625 Turn out the lights when you leave, will you? 1722 01:52:31,291 --> 01:52:33,207 What? Oh.